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Dear Thelma,
I am a 29-year-old girl who has been having family issues since young. My mother doesn’t like me at all. She tends to blame me for everything since I was a kid.
When I was in high school, I used to self-harm to cope with my mum's cursing and hurting me with words all the time. I even thought I am not her own kid sometimes. Been in this dilemma since 13, wondering what’s my mistake.
She treats my elder sister and younger brother well. But when it comes to me, she doesn’t treat me the same way. She tends to speak badly of me to her sisters so when we meet at any functions, they avoid talking to me. That hurts me deeply.
I once went to see a psychiatrist as I was depressed. He asked me to do some breathing exercises.
I asked my mum why she is doing this to me, why she talks bad about me to her own sisters, and loves her sisters and their kids more than me. Am I not her kid? She kept quiet.
When I said I won't be attending any more family functions after this as the relatives don’t like me, she shouted, "OK, don’t come!"
I couldn’t take all this. I have no idea why my own mum can hate me this much.
My father has been the biggest support for me all this time.
I am so deeply hurt. Please advise how I can overcome this.
Unloved daughter
I'm so sorry to hear of this issue. Thank you for writing in because this is a taboo subject that we really should talk about more often.
Your mum doesn't like you, shows that she doesn't like you, and you are hurt, upset and wonder why this is so. This is not uncommon, so let's talk big picture.
There is a myth that all parents love their children. Mothers in particular are said to have a mothering instinct. Many of us believe this at some level. However, we see evidence every day that shows this isn't true.
As some parents neglect their kids, hurt their kids, traffic their kids, or murder their kids, we have daily proof that the so-called parental love and mothering love instincts are not universal.
There are people who do not like their kids. There are also people who like some of their kids but not all their kids.
The reasons for this vary. In therapy sessions, some adults tell of being forced to marry, so they see their kids as extra chains keeping them in a relationship they don't want. Other parents associate their kids with painful births, losing a job or income, and other events. Sometimes, it's just a personality clash.
A decent, sensible adult understands that the baby or kid is not to blame. The adult then works hard to parent with care and kindness. It's not always the warmest of relationships but they do their best.
Your mum chose to blame a little baby for her own issues. She then carried this forward for decades. This is unkind, cruel and it has hurt you very badly.
The thing is, kids don't think, "There is an adult who is parenting badly and actually behaving badly too." Kids think, "Parents love kids. My mum doesn't love me. I must be bad."
Kids with this false belief become anxious, depressed and they are typically at risk of self-harm. I'm so very sorry but you appear to have followed the classic pattern.
I must say here that I am shocked at the psychiatrist's reaction. You should have been referred to a therapist. Thankfully, the good news is that you can recover.
To way to healing is to update your inner thoughts and beliefs; to bring them into line with the facts. You need to junk all the false beliefs you picked up as a kid. Then, surround yourself with people who love you and who treat you with respect and care.
Also, as many in your family side with the woman who took out her frustration on a kid, you can look at maintaining distance from your more toxic relatives. If someone is mean to you on purpose, you have a duty to protect yourself.
For this, I think a few sessions with a professional therapist would be useful. Look for someone with a Masters in psychology, counselling or social work who works with abuse because they will understand the dynamics. After you've worked on those inner beliefs, also review your self-esteem, anxiety and depression.
Again, I'm sorry you've had such a bad time. But help is there – all you have to do is reach out and ask for it. Good luck, and know I'll be thinking of you.
