Our directionally challenged columnist discovers the 'magic' traffic jams in and around Kuala Lumpur, and the power of that one card. — 123rf
For those who don’t know, I’m a Canadian who lives in Singapore, and who hasn’t been to Malaysia since before the Covid-19 pandemic began in 2020. But that changed this March, 2025.
Our show is shooting here, it’s a time travel plot and we needed some of the beautiful heritage buildings Malaysia has to offer; in Singapore those sorts of buildings are largely gone, or renovated so that we can’t rent them on our budget.
It was nice at first, being back in Malaysia. The sights. The food. But then I decided to do something that perhaps I shouldn’t have done. I rented a car.
Driving from KL International Airport to Kuala Lumpur was nice. I’m from Canada so the big highway lanes on a not so busy highway was like going home. But then I got to Kuala Lumpur. Or rather, I took the wrong exit going to Kuala Lumpur. One of many wrong exits I would take. Self-inflicted harm that I would do over and over. I took the same wrong exit on multiple occasions, going on an involuntary tour of the suburbs.
I realised I’m not the best at following a GPS, but I’ll also say that a British accented GPS voice pronouncing road names like Jalan Dang Wangi and Jalan Tuanku Abdul Rahman did nothing to help me actually find these roads. Also the GPS at one point told me to turn down a road numbered 17/2 which it read as “seventeen and half”. Not helpful.
The other thing I realised is that the Touch ‘N’ Go card is my master. Without it, you will be trapped on highways and in parking lots and parking garages.
On arrival I was instructed to simply buy the card at the toll but when I rolled up, looking for a place to do that, I was at the wrong place. I had to be that guy that’s backing up into oncoming traffic at the tollway.
One of the days, I couldn’t find my beloved Touch ‘N’ Go that I had eventually managed to buy, though I had left it in the door pocket, I swear. It was one of the worst days of my life.
I drove trying to avoid tollways and of course driving straight into them. Sweating, I tried to pay with my credit card, praying it would work. Other drivers began yelling at me, I yelled back that I was trying my best. They yelled again. I yelled that the yelling doesn’t help. Then a passenger in my car told me the gantry was up, they’re yelling at me to go. I waved and drove off.
Yes, I was this person on your roads, Malaysia. I’ll send flowers and an apology. Touch ‘N’ Go is essential, so on my next trip I might get four cards and hide them all over my car and person so as to never be without one.
Apart from magic cards, I really need to discuss congestion. I think we can all agree the roads and highways in and around Kuala Lumpur get a bit congested during rush hour. And when I say a bit, I mean the highway turns into a parking lot.
Once while driving, I know not where because I was completely dependent on my GPS, I saw an old, battered Malaysian flag hanging from the back of an orange truck. I pointed it out to my four-year-old son. I said, “There’s the Malaysian flag!” Not the best example but I was trying to find things he would like on the road. Then I took a wrong exit. No surprise there.
The GPS re-routed me but I missed the U-turn, and just wanting to get off the highway, I turned onto a residential street. The GPS re-routed frantically and I started to come to terms with the fact that we would be living in our car tonight. Then I got a new route, promptly drove right by the exit and went in the opposite direction.
Long story short I drove all over the place before finally returning to the highway I was supposed to be on, the highway I had started out on – and then my four-year-old says, “Dad, it’s the same flag!”
I look to my right and sure enough, right there was the old, tattered Malaysian flag hanging off the back of an orange truck.
Was it the same orange truck as before? It looked identical but logic dictated it couldn’t be. I had driven all over the place and he had gone straight yet we ended up in the same spot. That is some world class congestion....
Big Smile, No Teeth columnist Jason Godfrey – a model who once was told to give the camera a ‘big smile, no teeth’ – has worked internationally for two decades in fashion and continues to work in dramas, documentaries, and lifestyle programming. Write to him at lifestyle@thestar.com.my and follow him on Instagram @bigsmilenoteeth and facebook.com/bigsmilenoteeth. The views expressed here are entirely the writer's own.
