Confessions of a nicotine addict

Celina Tan is a 28-year-old IT analyst working in a reputable company in Kuala Lumpur. She writes this in the hope that someone who reads this will learn from the mistakes she has made . . .  

I HAVE been smoking since I was in high school. In hindsight, at that time, I had fallen naively into the trap of peer pressure and had started to smoke only because I wanted to be a “somebody”. Like most youngsters, I thought it was cool to smoke to be part of the “in” crowd. I smoked myself into oblivion ? and soon into total nicotine addiction. 

I got married in 1998 and my husband Craig did not seem to mind that I was a nicotine addict. He himself had never smoked in his life, as his grandfather had died of chronic bronchitis due to excessive smoking.  

Craig, in his typical non-imposing manner, never forced me to stop, though he did advise me against it; sound advice that, regrettably, I dismissed without much thought. I didn’t think it was necessary to quit smoking, even when I was pregnant with Sarah Ann (our first child) in 1999. How much damage can a few sticks a day do?, I thought. 

Sarah Ann was born almost perfect. She was a little angel and her birth was without complications. We could not have asked for a more beautiful or healthier child. This further enforced my self-delusion that smoking cannot possibly harm my family, despite what everyone else said. I felt rather invincible, as though there was some sort of a forcefield surrounding my family from harm caused by smoking. 

During my second pregnancy, I still didn’t want to stop, even after doctors advised me against lighting up for the baby’s sake. Worse, I began to smoke even more. Work was getting stressful and having to balance home-life and a full-time job was getting to me.  

Then everything changed when I was seven months pregnant. 

Our second baby girl was born prematurely. She was so tiny! The doctors immediately whisked her away and put her on a life support system, as her lungs were not fully developed yet. Her little heart was beating irregularly, they said. They told us to prepare for the worst. 

I remember bursting into tears there in the hospital room with Craig standing stiffly by my side. The nurse who broke the news to us asked if I was a smoker and if I had smoked during the pregnancy.  

I did not know what to say and just stared at her blankly with tears on my cheeks. The nurse looked at me, and then at Craig, and understood. I will never forget the look of ill-concealed disdain in her eyes as she monotonously explained that my smoking had increased the risk of my baby’s premature birth, probably also harming the foetus in the womb. 

“We will keep you informed as to the state of your daughter,” were her last words before she walked out of the room. 

I sobbed the whole night. From that moment on, I knew that I had to quit smoking. I could not bear the thought that I was the primary cause of my child’s death? 

 

Tough times ahead? 

By some miracle, Danielle Jane survived, and I was grateful to have been spared the guilt of having “murdered” my own daughter. I took it upon myself to quit. Immediately. 

Trying to quit cold turkey was no easy option. My friend told me that I would only be considered a successful quit if I stayed off cigarettes for one year. But after only one day, I was sweating profusely and was in an irritable mood. I turned back to the comfort of my cigarettes within 24 hours. 

Again and again, I tried to quit. But I kept going through withdrawal symptom after withdrawal symptom. All I could think about was taking a puff. I couldn’t concentrate at work and fell into some sort of depression. I kept thinking about smoking and how that would help relieve my stress (although looking back, I don’t think I was going through any undue stress at that time except for the “stress” of not having my cigarettes!).  

I could not sleep and always felt too tired to spend quality time with my little girls. 

No matter how hard I tried, the lure of the puff was often too strong for me to resist by sheer willpower alone. I’d always seen myself as a fighter and to realise that I could not fight this addiction left me really despondent and disappointed with myself. I felt as though my world was coming to a deep dark end, and there was no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. 

My mother and sister helped tremendously during this time. They took care of my children and even sourced for various methods that could help me stop the terrible habit. I tried drinking lots of water, chewing gum, exercising more? but nothing helped.  

I turned back to the cancer sticks that had almost cost me my daughter’s life. I felt like such a worm, so desperate was I to stop that I even tried hypnotism! But that didn’t help either? 

The fourth time I tried to stop, my best friend Rachel told me that I should try nicotine replacement therapy (NRT) and suggested that I start on the nicotine patch. I had never heard of that kind of treatment before and decided to try it. I was desperate enough to try anything.  

I followed a 12-week step-down programme using the nicotine patch, starting with the 15mg dose for the first eight weeks and reducing it to the 10mg dose for the next two weeks and then 5mg for the final two weeks. With consistent use of the 16-hour patches, I managed to wean myself off the addiction to nicotine.  

I’ve stopped smoking for two years and can definitely feel the difference in myself: physically, emotionally and psychologically. Neither my body nor my mind is demanding for the next smoke. I now have the freedom of choice to smoke or not to smoke. And I choose not to smoke.  

 

Note: Names have been changed to protect the identities of the persons involved. Readers are welcome to send in their own stories about their experience with health, or ill-health. It could be a personal experience, or one that involves a loved one, friend, colleague or relative.  

You can e-mail your stories to [e-mail] mail it to Fit For Life, Star Publications (Malaysia) Bhd, Menara Star, 15, Jln 16/11, Section 16, 46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor.