The dads are all right

The lone paternal figure has long lingered in the backdrop of single parenthood, with the focus and attention geared almost entirely towards their female counterparts. The recent hullabaloo surrounding a man in Butterworth, Penang, who was detained for chaining his children, aged six and two, in a bathroom while he worked has, however, brought the multi-faceted predicaments of single fathers to light.

The girl and her younger brother were apparently shackled for “being naughty.” They were rescued by police late last month after neighbours heard their cries.

Their father, Tan Hooi Keong, a despatcher in his 40s, was later charged under Section 31(1)(a) of the Child Act, which carries a jail term of up to 10 years and a fine not exceeding RM20,000.

Tan’s case quickly spawned an onslaught of responses from the Malaysian public, with most condemning the act. Outraged citizens went as far as calling Tan a monster, while others who know him claim the man is not as cruel as he has been portrayed. Neighbours said he was a friendly man who seldom scolded his children and had been under a lot of stress since his Thai wife left home about a month prior to the incident.

The episode has also prompted a deeper look into the psyche of the much-neglected, single-father figure. While formerly a niche concern, the struggle to maintain that delicate balance between work and home remains a looming reality for many single dads.

As MCA Public Services and Complaints Department Datuk Michael Chong noted, there are relatively few Malaysian women who would abandon their children after their marriages failed, though the number has increased.

“The double whammy of having to fend for children on their own while dealing with the emotional baggage can become the tipping point for some men,” Chong told The Star in a front-page report earlier this month.

According to family law practitioner Honey Tan, there is a presumption that children of ages seven and below are better off with their mother. But she said that presumption can be rebutted if the father shows evidence that he can be a better parent based on the best interests of the child.

“The law favours the mother in that sense but it also reflects on social realities that usually see women on the domestic front. No matter what people say, women are usually the ones who do the housework and take care of their children at home,” Tan added.

As a result, there are fewer single fathers than single mothers around. But like a good number of their female counterparts, some of these men are just as determined and capable when it comes to raising their kids.

A. Asohan, 49, belongs to this legion. He has been doing his darndest to tend to his children while putting food on the table since his wife left the family five years ago.

The freelance technology journalist said his wife’s decision to end their marriage after 13 years together came as a complete shock as they had always been the “model couple” among friends.

Asohan, who now lives with daughters Alyssa Su-Yen Asohan, 16, and Ariane Priyanka Asohan, 14, in their Subang Jaya, Selangor, home, spoke frankly about the difficulties that followed his marital breakdown.

“The kids had a hard time dealing with not having their mother around. It was especially trying for the younger one, who was only about nine, to adjust to the new family structure.”

Fortunately, he was able to take a year off work not long after the separation. “I was home most of the time with my kids and I think that helped ease the transition.”

When the time came for “the talk,” the genial father said with a laugh: “I have four sisters to help me with that.” He was more concerned about the family’s finances.

Money is the biggest challenge in any single-parent household, he opined. “Problems are bound to develop when a family breaks out of a ‘single-unit expense.’ Even if both parents contribute financially to raise their children after a divorce, they will now have their own households to worry about and there’s only so much they can do.”

Besides having to manage the family’s expenses, Asohan said being a single parent also means he has to assume a dual role. “There is no one to make joint decisions with anymore. Now, it’s all on me to decide on things like which college the girls should go to, which career path to pursue or even the small things like which tuition teacher to go for.”

Two years ago, Asohan left his job at a local publications company, where he had served for over 20 years, as he was required to work on night shifts and could not spend time with his daughters.

He went on to join a multinational company as a public relations officer. While his new gig allowed him to work from home, he quickly burned out from the long and odd hours, and left the organisation last November.

As part of a growing pool of parents who work from home in this technology-driven world, Asohan is set to start an online publication for enterprise technology in March. He hopes that this new venture will allow him to spend more time with his daughters while he works.

“The Internet offers a great platform for those who cannot cope with a nine-to-five job,” he said.
 

In between jobs, Asohan has had three maids since 2007 to help him manage chores like cooking, washing and walking his daughters to school. But the devoted dad insisted: “I will never leave it to my maid to take care of my daughters. Never. I take care of my daughters while the maid takes care of the house.”

Though he speaks fondly of his children, Asohan related: “We used to play board games like Monopoly on weekends when they were younger. But they’re teenagers now so we mainly just go for lunch or movies.”

Sounding somewhat weary, he conceded: “Actually, most of my duties these days seem to revolve around being a chauffeur for them, like a dad version of a soccer mum.”

Wan-derful father

Clearly, being a single father is no walk in the park, but celebrity chef Datuk Redzuawan Ismail or Chef Wan, as he is better known, had learned to manage his domestic affairs alongside a burgeoning career.

Chef Wan, 54, separated from his wife when his children, Mohd Nazri and Serina, were only four and three. “We had joint custody but the children spent a lot of time with me,” he explained.

The charming chef, who has maintained post-marital congeniality with his ex-spouse, wisely noted: “Just because you’re divorced doesn’t mean you’re absolved from your responsibilities of being a parent.” After his divorce, the then-27-year-old former accountant set out for the United States to pursue his dream of becoming a chef. Though his children remained with their mother in Malaysia, Chef Wan continued being the sole breadwinner in the family.

“My ex-wife has never earned a single penny on her own. She is quite ‘fragile’ in that sense and I still look after her to this day.”

But juggling fatherhood and trying to build a career did not come easy for the would-be culinary icon. In between classes, he sought out odd jobs such as gardening and housekeeping. He also had to be frugal and often made do with the leftovers at the cooking school cafeteria.