Are you a kiasu parent?

By BRIGITTE ROZARIO

Where do you draw the line between pushing your child to be the best he or she can be and being a “kiasu” parent who is always competing with others?

A “kiasu” person is always frowned upon as someone who constantly needs to be the first and at the top of the class. Someone who likes to compete and will not settle for being less than the best. Being competitive may be good, however, being too focused on the end result instead of the process isn't a good thing.

What is a kiasu parent?
 

Family life educator Charis Patrick explains:

“I think 'kiasu' as per the definition is fear of losing to others. Within that definition, a parent who is kiasu is motivated by fear which is already the wrong motivation. But then again we are all survivors so I think it's normal in a very competitive society. Some of us may feel that we need to be motivated by our fears.

“On one hand I think it's pretty understandable but on the other hand we need to sit down and think, if we are motivated by fear then a lot of what we do will lead to long-term effects.

“I think a kiasu parent on the whole is very result-oriented. When they are too result-oriented then they neglect the process. In the whole journey of parenting, if we are just result-oriented and at the end of the day if our child cannot be Number One, how are we going to affirm them?

“The problem with being too result-oriented is that we forget the process and we forget to appreciate them and affirm them based on the process and what they journey through, be it academic or non-academic. Every child has their own strengths and gifts. If we just focus on the academic and if they don't make it, does that mean they don't make it in life? No. It means we have to move the focus from the results to the process, affirm their efforts and affirm their other areas of potential.

“I think the outcome of being motivated by fear and only focusing on results and not the process is that you will inevitably keep comparing your child to other children. You will keep comparing your child to somebody who is always better and because of that your child will always feel that he or she is always a failure.”

Focus on strengths

Patrick says it is better for parents to be strength-based parents rather than “kiasu” and constantly comparing your child with other children and only highlighting your child's shortcomings instead of his or her strengths.