Dear Thelma: I fear I may have destroyed my life beyond repair

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Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935 / 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999 / 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (0111-959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929 / email [e-mail] / befrienders centres in malaysia).

Dear Thelma,

I'm a 27-year-old woman and I fear I may have destroyed my life beyond repair.

All my life, I have suffered from a host of mental health issues, including bipolar disorder, anxiety, impulse control and substance use disorders.

For context, I come from a broken family – my mother had me as a teen, and my father never wanted children. I get the feeling that they've always seen me as a burden, and that resentment still lives in me to this day.

When my parents' marriage fell apart, neither wanted custody of me. I was bounced around from relative to relative. I completed secondary school with much struggle, and am not college educated. I don't really have any particular passions or aspirations.These experiences compounded into a sort of self-loathing. Feeling like I was unwanted, inferior, a waste of space, and someone with no prospects in life. "Trash of society", as some might call it.

Even as a teen, I had a dark view of life and had told myself, "I don't want to live past 30. If life doesn't kill me by then, I'll do it myself."

I lived like every day was my last. It was the only way to keep myself going. I did whatever I wanted, with no care for how the consequences would affect my future, because I was so convinced I would commit suicide one day. Looking back, I can see that I didn't truly want to die, as I kept looking for reasons to live.

I've not been able to hold down a permanent job. I have no close friendships to speak of. I still struggle with alcohol abuse and had done hard drugs in the past, and my health is declining despite being in my 20s.

I've amassed huge debts, both from credit cards and less-scrupulous loans, to fund materialistic pleasures which were the only things which gave me some semblance of happiness. Of course, that happiness was always short-lived.

A day, a week, a month, after a while, it would fade, and I would desperately seek "something else to live for".

For someone like me, a normal future or a happy life were not things I dared to dream of.

But recently, I have been blessed with a second chance. I met a wonderful man who is not only willing to put up with the broken me but loves me, flaws and all.

He is my angel and recently, we found out that I'm pregnant with his child. I want to give this life inside of me what I never had.

I want to be a good mother, to show my baby that there is love and kindness in this world, yet I'm afraid I will be unable to. I'm afraid I will repeat the mistakes of my parents, and send my family down the same dark path I had to take. I'm afraid I've already lost my chance to live a normal life.

Yet, despite all that, I want to have hope. For once in my life, I can see beyond my own struggles, and the self-piteous cries of "me, me, me".

However, whenever the debt collectors come, or even when I see yet another young person with their stellar accomplishments so early in life, those ugly feelings of despair reemerge.

Thelma, please tell me there is some way out of the hole I've dug myself into.

L

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Dear L,

Thanks for writing in. You've packed a lot of information into a short letter, which shows a very orderly mind. In addition, you write beautifully and have an excellent vocabulary. Then, there is the honesty with which you discuss your troubled past. You have insight and are brave enough to share this in a public letter.

So, let's start with pointing out the obvious: you have lots of good qualities and you have useful skills, too.

Will you be a good mum, or will your past choices doom you to being a disaster? Let me suggest something.

We have all heard horror stories of saintly types who were absolutely lousy parents. And we all know of people who were naughty girls and boys who turned out to be loving, gentle, kind, effective parents.

I see no reason at all why you won't be an awesome mummy. However, parenting is a job, and like all jobs, you need to train for it.

Many people copy what their parents did, and do a bit of reading to round things off. But as your childhood wasn't happy, the logical upshot is that you don't use that as a template.

I suggest you break it down into the following issues: job and debts; friendships and support; parenting knowledge; and finally, your physical and mental health.

Start with the mental health. You need weekly support, and as you're short on cash, a good option is to seek free help from one of the agencies above. Alternatively, I would recommend an NGO like All Womens Action Malaysia (AWAM) or Womens Aid Organisation (WAO) or a similar NGO.

These typically mean working with a Master's Degree student interning for their practical experience. It's useful to them and it will help you, so it's win-win. And as you will need a lot of help, a student counsellor may be best as they have plenty of time. If you're not in KL, they'll help point you in the right direction.

You need regular support for managing your anxiety, and the issues that come from bipolar condition, impulse control and more. Also, your self-esteem is in the gutter. Work on this, and get into a better space. Make sure you talk to someone once a week, every week.

Also speak to your doctor about your overall health. Take their advice, and for goodness' sake, eat properly. Vegetables, fruit, and protein. Plus good sleep and light exercise. The body and mind are connected, so give yourself all the help you can.

For parenting, start reading books. There are many ways to bring up kids, but gentle parenting is an umbrella term that will lead you into kind ways to bond with your little one. I think you'll like it.

You'll find gentle parenting guides in libraries and there are groups on Facebook for Malaysian mums. Join them, read, educate yourself. If the hospital has free classes, go.

Friendship and support start with your new partner. Bond closely, be kind to each other. You will meet his friends, and you'll soon meet other mums-to-be too. That will naturally increase your circle of acquaintances. Slow and steady does it. Just keep meeting new people.

Finally, manage your money better. First, gather all your documents, debts and loans, and talk to Credit Management and Counselling Agency (AKPK) the free Bank Negara credit counselling people. They can help you manage your debt and they'll give you some basic advice on how to think about money in a healthier way.

Then go and get a job. There are jobs that are flexible like waitressing that you can pick up immediately. Alternatively, you're a good writer with a logical mind, so perhaps you want something in an office? And when the baby comes, perhaps remote work of some kind. Talk through options with a counsellor who has career counselling training.

I hope this helps get you on a proper path to happiness.

Finally, I would say this: You've had a rocky start but I think you should leave that behind you and focus on who you are now. Today you are brave, strong, and honest. You are also grateful and you know how to reach out.

You've got what it takes, so just go out there and be happy, OK? I'll be thinking of you.