Yong Ah Yong and his wife Low Kiah Lan visiting their son Soong Yan and their granddaughter Teng Sam in Hong Kong.
The duties of parents do not stop when children have become adults. Parents can still help mould their character, develop their personal identity and improve their relationship with their colleagues and friends while ensuring they maintain a firm connection to the family.
As adults, they tend to spend more time away from their parents and look to their close friends for life direction. This is, to a large extent, inevitable and understandable. However, parents continue to have a powerful impact on their children’s beliefs, values, ambitions and plans.
My second child, Soong, works in Hong Kong. His wife Adeline gave up a good job in Kuala Lumpur to move there with him. They now live there with their daughter Teng Sam.
Soong was at first working in Kuala Lumpur, too. But he was transferred to the company headquarters in Hong Kong for a stint that would have lasted at least two years.
As a retired public servant, I have always advised him: “Son, your father was very happy serving in the public sector. It’d be nice for you to follow in my footsteps. But since you have tried a number of times to get into the public service without success, you need to try your luck in the private sector. But do remember, in the private sector things can be pretty good one day, but pretty bad the very next day.”
True enough, he lost his job abruptly, due apparently to some major policy differences. He applied for another job in Hong Kong but was not confirmed in his post after a six-month probation. That made him extremely frustrated. The time came for me to counsel and console him.
I don’t distance myself from him and his family, but distance does affect my interaction with them. Not having a father’s physical presence and ready guidance is a big disadvantage, even though we are all adults now. But fortunately technology provides us the opportunity to keep in touch with one another constantly.
I understand how important a father is to his children. My father passed away when I was 27. Although I was then already an adult, I felt a great loss in my life and I missed all the love, care, advice and life experiences that he had always given or shared with me.
Children, irrespective of age, observe and learn from their parents, including on how they interact with one another. That directly or indirectly influences them later in life – the way that a mother and a father interact affects the mother-child as well as the father-child relationship.
Parents who have a strong and happy relationship will certainly be more effective parents than those who don’t.
Mindful of this, I always seek my wife’s agreement in whatever I do. In fact, many of my decisions came from my wife! I respect her and her decisions. However, when her decisions were obviously improper, I’d explain to her and let her see the true picture.
During our children’s growing up years, my wife and I practised the so-called authoritative parenting. We spent time with them, providing them with help and emotional support, monitoring their behaviour, and imposing consistent and fair discipline in them.
I believe this is the best way of dealing with children. Nowadays, a lot of problems involving the youngsters were probably due to permissive parenting, where parents tend to pamper their children and avoid setting standards and limits.
Our daughter Fee is married and lives in Subang Jaya (Selangor). She frequently visits us in Ipoh with her family. We still maintain a good parent-child relationship. Our third and youngest child is at university. She stays away from us during the weekdays but every weekend, we will bring her home to enjoy family warmth.
Parenting is lifelong work. Who will be prepared to provide the best for the children all the time? Only their parents will. I am always reminded of this portion of Scripture: “If a son asks for bread from his father, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent?”
With new-age dads getting more hands-on and involved in parenting these days, The Star's Fathers Figure provides a platform for them to talk about their experiences – fulfilling, amusing, inspiring, or taxing. The Star welcomes contributions from fathers of any age and every stripe – rich dad, poor dad, single father, fun dad, tiger dad. Email your contributions to star2@thestar.com.my with the subject header “Fathers Figure,” preferably between 600 and 800 words, with a photo attached. Published contributions will be paid. So please include your full name, IC number, address and contact number.
Limited time offer:
Just RM5 per month.
