Will your only child be spoilt?

Is yours an only child in the family? Do you worry that she will turn out spoilt?

This used to be a common fear – that if you have only one child, then she will be spoilt as you will inevitably dote on her and buy her everything she wants.

According to Woo Pei Jun, lecturer/ developmental psychologist at Sunway University College, this is a myth.

She explains that in the 1800s, psychologist G. Stanley Hall, who was quite famous in the area of personality, was the first one to write about the “only child.”

“He was the one who said the only child would be spoilt and is given too much because they have everything. But, down the years, psychologist Susan Newman ran a more systematic analysis of research on the only child. She found that it wasn't necessarily true that the only child is spoilt.

“We now realise that whatever research that Hall did had a lot of flaws in its research methodology. Hence, the question is, was his conclusion valid?

“I think, now with more and more research coming out, we can confirm that that's not true and in fact it is a myth,” explains Woo.

Higher self-esteem

Apparently, more recent studies have found that the only child has many strengths and one of those strengths is that they seem to have higher self-esteem and self-confidence and they are highly achievement motivated in comparison to other birth orders. The only child and the first born are similar in that way but the only child seems to have higher self-esteem.

“In China, they have found that the only child does better in school. This is similar to the findings in the United States as well.

“I think the reason could be quite logical. When parents have only one child they would invest a lot of time in wanting them to do well and having higher expectations. And, I think we tend to do that even with our first-born because we just have more time to invest.

“We tend to create higher expectations of what we want from them. If that's the case, then I am not surprised that the only child has more resources to enhance because they have higher achievement motivation. Hence, they tend to do better at school,” says Woo.

Social skills

Parents who have more than one child tend to say that they are afraid that if they had had just one that the child would be lonely. In terms of social skills, there are some findings that say that the only child is slightly disadvantaged in the early years because obviously the kids who have siblings have some training at home in terms of social skills and conflict resolution. Whereas the only child may not necessarily have that.

“The only child may be slightly disadvantaged in that area but if the child frequently joins cousins or peers in playgroups, I think it shouldn't be a problem because they do develop their social skills there.

“This has been found to be true in China, where they have a one-child policy. A lot of parents would let their children socialise with their cousins and what has happened then is that they find that the children are not as disadvantaged in terms of social skills.

“So, if you expose them to play with their cousins from early on or those from their same age peer group, I think that will help them develop social skills.

“I think the key here is to get them exposed frequently to similar peer groups,” adds Woo.

Exposure to children their own age is very important not just so that the child is not lonely but also so that the child will learn to communicate and negotiate as children do.

Woo agrees that children imitate what they see and hear around them. So, if their only exposure in the early years is adults and grandparents, they will tend to communicate and respond the way adults do.

You might then find that your child speaks like a grandfather rather than a kid.

They may seem to be a bit more mature but again it depends on the condition, if they don't get much exposure to other children.

With the lack of exposure to other kids, the only child's negotiation skills and conflict resolution with children would be lacking. This is because adults tend to give in when negotiating with a child. Hence, the only child would not learn that skill from adults.

Setting boundaries

Woo explains that whether you have four children or one, there always needs to be ground rules and boundaries.

“But with one child it's actually much easier to do it because you're concentrating on only one. I think with an only child, when you set rules you are much more able to follow them through compared with when you have two or three kids and your attention is divided between them,” she says.

Woo agrees that the only child can and might use their position to manipulate the situation to their advantage.

The only child knows there's no other sibling and they may try to take advantage of that situation. But again, it depends on how the parents respond to that – do they give in? If they do, they're indulging the child and there will be negative consequences.

If the parents are firm about having a balance in their life and not overindulging the child, then it shouldn't be an issue.

Although the only child might not have competition to excel among siblings, they would have it with their school and classmates.

Woo says that the only child does not necessarily grow up to become an introvert. Again, it's about how the parents bring the child up and whether the child is given ample opportunity to socialise.

Conclusion

How should parents respond when the child keeps asking for siblings?

“I think when they're young they may ask for siblings but as they grow older they learn to accept it. I guess how parents respond depends on why the child wants a little brother or sister. If it's because they want someone to play with, then the parents can tell them they have their cousins and friends.

“I think we need to highlight to the child that they are not alone, that they have other children to play with. It's important for an only child to have some social interactions and play with their own peers so that they are less lonely,” says Woo.

If they are lonely at home, then bringing cousins over to the house would be a good idea – perhaps for sleepovers or just to spend more time together.

Generally, the only child should be more secure and the reason why some research finds that they have higher self-esteem is because parents spend a lot of time with them. Having parental attention and conversations on what they do is also known to build up a child's self-esteem.