Being a parent in the 21st century is no easy task. Parenting the kids used to be, or at least it appeared to be, easier and more straight-forward.
More challenges await you if you have a special child, either one with a physical or learning disability.
I have a special daughter who is now 16 years old. She was diagnosed with having delayed motor and speech development. Her challenges were not too severe but nevertheless, she was still regarded as being a slow learner. She was the first grandchild on my side and my parents loved her to bits. They were very protective of her, so much so that I was not even allowed to “punish” her when she got out of line!
For a slow-learner, she very quickly learnt that being with poh-poh or koong-koong (grandma or grandpa) would allow her to get away with murder! And so began my struggle to try to discipline her and not get a shelling from my parents at the same time!
My parents meant well and they were quite convinced that their little innocent grandchild did not understand and thus should not be punished. Even today, I have to make sure that I discipline her with “much gentleness”!
Since those days, I have met many parents with special children who think along these lines. What they fail to understand is that good behaviour, like other skills, should be instilled and it is very important to do so from as young as possible. Every child needs discipline, failing which his indiscipline will hinder him from acquiring skills. He will then face a myriad of problems at school and later on, in his adult life.
A lot of special needs children are also verbally-challenged - either they have speech delays or are non-verbal. And, if you are unable to verbalise your thoughts and needs, you get physical. If your child is not taught to communicate through alternative means, they will grow up with “very bad behaviour” and it is not even their fault!
So, how do we discipline the child with special needs? I will share the “top three strategies” that have worked for me and my daughter:
Prevention is better than cure.
Sometimes if I know a certain incident may trigger a tantrum, I will try to prevent it or tell my girl the type of behaviour that is expected of her.
For example, when we are at an eatery and she happens to have a cough, I will remind her that only warm drinks are allowed. If she is not agreeable, then we will not eat at that place.
This requires experience as most times, we really can’t tell what triggers their emotional outbursts. So, we can only “predict the best we can” but it is rather effective.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
There was a time when we had ordered and she was not happy with a particular order. She started to complain in a rather loud voice. I told her the reason for having to order an alternative dish and if she continued to show her displeasure, I would cancel our order and leave.
She was quite bent on prolonging her “drama.” By then, I was getting rather embarrassed but I have also grown very thick-skinned over the years! So, I called out to the waitress – with the intention to pay without eating - but thankfully before anyone saw me waving for attention, my daughter finally said she was okay with the order!
If you make a “threat,” be sure you can fulfil it. And, when you do, your child will know that you will act upon your word.
Know your child’s level.
Your child may be six but his cognitive level may be that of a four-year-old. So, discipline him as you would a four-year-old. A young child needs a quick response to correct his bad behaviour. You will have to act immediately, not “wait till we get home.” By then, the poor child would have no clue why he was being punished.
With my 16-year-old, I always have to remember that she is not quite 16 in terms of her understanding and maturity. So, I use simpler terms and make my explanation short and direct. No “think of what would happen if you did this or that,” - it would be too abstract for her.
My daughter still has some issues and the journey is still rough and long, but I think we are doing okay. It is important to know that instilling good discipline is just as important as self-help training for special children.
It is a difficult issue, but it is essential. Bear in mind that it is always easier to teach a well-disciplined child. So, discipline your child and allow him/her to maximise his/her learning abilities.
By the way, although I believe in the “spare the rod and spoil the child” concept, corporal punishment is strongly not recommended. For younger children, distraction is often quite successful while for the older ones, rewarding good behaviour is preferred.
Above all, discipline with love.
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