Parents can nag their kids. They can even yell and scream at them. In the past, it might have worked and the children would have done what they wanted and learnt a lesson from it, too.
This doesn't work anymore. The children will rebel. What are you to do when your children are not living up to their potential, or if they are not achieving their goals?
Have you considered coaching them?
Life coach Sharmini Hensen believes that there are benefits to coaching your own children. She says all children can be coached from the time they can communicate and understand, and she believes that parents are the ones who should do the coaching.
It is a great way to empower your children to take ownership of their goals and training them to think creatively and develop problem-solving skills.
Change your mindset
Hensen, who has worked as a life coach with women, children and corporations for the past six years, says that all parents have the capability to coach their children, even if you think you lack the patience.
“It's just a mindset. It's about deciding and believing that you're not here to tell your children what's best for them, and instead, you are here to empower them to be the best that they can be so that they can make the best decisions for themselves. The old school of thought is that as the parent, I've got to tell you what to do, you've got to do as I say, when I say and how I say.
“With the current generation this won't work. The only way to help them achieve their goals is to empower them. You have to trust that God created them as amazing beings and did not shortchange them with possibilities and resources within themselves. Our job as parents is to make sure that that perfection expands into their lives,” she says.
Be their coach
She admonishes parents who say they don't have time or are too stressed to coach their own kids.
“It's a cop out. Everyone blames everything on stress. You know what? If you can't do it, then your kids can't do it. It's plain and simple. If you can't manage a balanced lifestyle and you're not achieving your goals at work, don't expect your children to be outstanding and amazing achievers,” says Hensen.
She doesn't encourage parents to outsource coaching.
“They're our kids. We have to learn to be the kind of parents that we want our kids to have. That is our biggest and greatest effort. Our kids are our legacy; they are our assets.
“If we don't invest in our legacy, there's no point having all the material things in our life. They don't mean anything.
“You can leave your children with other people for a short period of time as an interruption, maybe, but at the end of the day, they will come back to you because you are the nurturing one in their lives,” says Hensen.
How to go about coaching your child:
1) Sit down with your child to decide the goals he/she wants to set.
2) Ask your child how they intend to achieve these goals (for example, if their goal is to get 10 A's, how they plan to work towards that; or if they want to be good at baking, how they plan to learn and improve their baking).
3) Ask your child to set a time frame – by when do they want to achieve this?
4) If your child is reluctant to set goals and decide on the time frame and plan of action, keep massaging the idea until they do. However, be careful not to nag and push them into doing what you want.
5) Periodically, monitor your child's progress.
6) If they are on track, encourage them.
7) If they don't seem to be on track, sit down with them and reassess. Could the goal be too unrealistic and unachievable? Could the time frame be too short? Could the method to achieve the goal be unsuitable for them?
8) The original goals, time frame and method are not set in stone; your child can change them as he/she goes along (with your guidance). This should not be confused with a child trying to shirk their commitment.
Hensen says it's okay if your child sets low goals to begin with.
“They always need to start somewhere that they're comfortable with and think they can achieve. As a coach you always set them up to win; never set them up to lose,” she explains.
Hensen recommends that parents help children set achievable goals. Parents can put it down in black and white and pin it up in a place that the child can see so that they keep focused on their goals.
However, if you think your child keeps setting goals that are too low and much too easy to achieve, then you can ask them why they are not aiming higher.
“Keep it real for them.
“If the method is not working out, then sit down with your child and find another solution. Once they see the possibility that they can be better, they'll be excited about achieving their goals. Who doesn't want to be better?
“Our children grow or become more because we see more in them. If we see them small or limited, or we label them, they live up to our expectations every single time.
“How do we change it? We have to start believing that as parents we are bigger and capable of more,” says Hensen.
Kids model their parents
Ultimately a parent is the best role model for their children. Hensen explains that if parents are high-achievers, then their children will be, too, because children model their parents behaviour.
She encourages parents to never sell themselves short and always go after their goals and dreams.
“If you're living your passion, nurturing your goal, it is so easy for your kids to follow suit. Most of the time, I don't even bother coaching my kids on their results. I see where I am going, whether I am living my dream and achieving my goals. When I give talks, I bring my kids with me so that they can see mummy in action,” explains the mother of two.
Hensen relates an incident with her son who one day came home and said that he speaks better than her. She asked him how he had come to that conclusion and then challenged him by saying, “That's great, but are you speaking to inspire people to create more, and is every word beneficial to them?”
She also reminded him that her audience is wider because she is interviewed in newspapers, magazines and even on TV.
This is how she acknowledged his achievement yet encouraged and challenged him to achieve more.
“Engage them and agree with them but also challenge them to make it bigger. Let them know, if you were doing it what you would do, but leave it up to them to decide what to do.
“Never compare them to another child but always ask them if they could be more; if they see possibilities in being more,” explains Hensen.
Stop spoonfeeding them
It's always easy for parents to come up with the goals and plan of action or solution for their children. However, remember, if you are doing this today, you will still be doing it for them when they are of college-age or even when they start working.
This is where you get instances of parents still helping their children with college assignments and handholding their kids at job interviews.
“I tell them, I can tell you what my solution is but I don't know if it'll work for you. When I had this kind of problem, this is what I did,” suggests Hensen.
She says parents can offer possible solutions and methods to help their kids achieve their goals but they should leave the final decision to their children.
While she is against rewarding children for achievements, she prefers to let them enjoy the personal gratification of their achievements.
Tips for parents
“Find out what the child wants, be a good listener and do it in a relaxed environment, such as when you go out with them. Sit down with your child and ask them what they want.
“Make sure they know that their goals and dreams are their responsibility and that it's quite a pleasurable thing to be responsible.
“Always acknowledge their effort and the result as well. Get excited about their achievements.
“For me, appreciation and acknowledgement are the catalyst for excellence. I use it with adults and children, with CEOs – it's the same mechanism and it works wonders. Most of the time we hear how badly we're doing. We never hear how good we are. The law of attraction and the way the mind works is that whatever you focus on expands. So, when you're appreciating somebody, they will focus on that achievement and appreciation. The more they focus on that, the more they will recreate it. But, if you just keep faulting them, then they will focus on the faults and they will create more faults.
“My job is to shift my child's focus from their so-called 'failures' to results that they are proud of. As long as they feel good, I know they are doing well.”
Coaching, she says, is an empowering place to come from.
“It's great if you can honour and respect your child and know your role is just to awaken the potential in them. Let them believe it and feel it. Then show them what they have created and achieved.
“If you can empower your children to achieve their goals and take responsibility for them, it frees up your time as a parent because you are no longer responsible for everything. In that sense, you are working in partnership with your children,” she says.
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