Feeling violated

Q: I am 36, married with 2 children.  I'm facing a real problem with my husband on bedroom issues.

We are en route to a bitter divorce.

The problem is that I do not feel excited by his touches, and therefore feel violated . Is there such thing as chemistry? Can it be developed?

I care and love my husband n my children very much n don't wish to lose them. We have been struggling with this issue for five years and this problem will break my marriage soon.

 JS

A: It breaks my heart to hear sad situations couples go through. I hope this is only a bad patch in your marriage.

I am confident of your loving feelings towards your husband and your children. I hope you are equally determined to try to save your marriage.

Hiccups in marriage like you have described are very common. What destroys the relationship is lack of communication and commitment. Of course, in an ideal world, marriage counselling and family support save many marriages. However, in our Asian culture, such third party mediation is a taboo. Therefore, I encourage you to build up your courage to openly communicate with your husband!

Before you approach your husband, you should think of all the great things that brought both of you together in the first place. Focus on his great qualities such as his sense of humor, kindness, generosity, etc. In addition, think of all the things he does that put you off. Rather than confronting him with negative issues, express how he can improve on those bad points.

I suggest once you have got the conversation going, you will not lose that loving feeling again.

Q: Over the last five years or so I have had a disinterest in sex, although I have a keen eye on the ladies.

As I am now reaching 75, this interest has woken up. However, getting an erection is a problem, and maintaining one is out of the question.

I am now beginning to date a 58 and 52 year-old women and I would like this relationship to reach a sexual consent point. And I expect the ladies feel the same way.

I would like your advice on how to go about this situation, before it becomes embarrassing for me.

A


A: It has been an absolute delight reading your email. I can assure you many men (and women) are very envious of your recent awakening.

I am excited to hear your diminished sexual interests began at the age of 70 and the awakening started recently after your intimate encounters. You are the living proof our libido is not purely controlled by the testosterone. If that was the case; it would simply be an insult to mankind. It is more than hormones; it is the chemistry of LUV.

Of course, I also am concerned (but not totally surprised) by the lack of your erectile rigidity. This is commonly known as erectile dysfunction (ED). Men’s erection is determined by the integrity of the blood supply and the nerve innervation. It is not uncommon to have the impairment of both systems with advancing age. Moreover, the impairment can be more pronounced if one suffers from diabetes, hypertension and dyslipidemia.

Well, thank goodness for advancement of medicine in the last fifteen years. The introduction of the pills such as Sildenifil, tadalafil and verdanifil has been very kind to men. Most men can take such medications, providing there are no contra-indications. My suggestion is for you to build up your courage and ask your doctor for the treatment of ED. I am sure the treatment will ensure no emergence of “embarrassing moments” during intimacy.

Before you embark on your new discovery of love, can I find out how you managed to date two women at the same time?

Q: I am 29 years old. My penis is not as hard as it use to be. Even when it gets hard, the hardness will not last long.

I also shoot  off very fast. Sometimes not even one minute. How can i overcome this problem; as I am scared it will affect my personal relationship with my partner.

I am having sleepless nights thinking these problems.

M

A: I am so sorry to hear about your troubles and sleepless nights. I will try my best to help.

You give good description of Erectile Dysfunction and Premature Ejaculations (PE and ED). I am somewhat distressed and concerned by your young tender age of 29 years old. I guess nothing is impossible.

It is not uncommon to have PE in one's thirties. In fact recent data revealed up to 30% of men suffer from this problem in Malaysia. On the contrary, the prevalence of ED at this age is usually less than 5%. This is most likely because the robust integrity of blood and nerve supply is rarely compromised at this young age. Therefore, I am somewhat suspicious your problems may have significant psychological aetiology.

I recently participated in an international multicenter trial in Malaysia, managing men with both PE and ED. The right treatment for you would be treating the ED with a group of medications called the PDE5-I first. Majority of men will have both sexual problems resolved. If not, I would add another group of medications called SSRI’s. These medications play a role to prolong the interval of intercourse.

I really hope you will make an appointment to see your doctor soon. I also hope you will bring your partner. After all, intimacy in a couples’ business!!

 Q: How to deal with ED problems?
Some suggest taking the blue pills, but others suggest herbal medicine.
I want to do it in natural way.

Anthony

A: Thanks for your email. Short and straight to the point!!

I often get asked this question professionally, and of course, socially. I think there are two ways of dealing with ED problems: Firstly identify and eliminate the causes. Secondly, treat the symptoms.

Many of us do forget the emergence of ED is the early sign of a “Broken Heart”. As the rigidity of the male sexual organ is determined by the integrity of the nerve and artery, external factors that compromise the neurovascular supply usually will cause ED. The common causes of ED are Smoking, Diabetes, Hypertension, Dyslipidemia and Stress. In short, the most natural and effective way of dealing with ED problems would be living a healthy lifestyle and exercise regularly.

For those who are unable (or unwilling) to live healthily, I guess the alternative would be going for “herbal” therapy. There are millions of claims of the “alternative therapy” that miraculously transformed the “manhood” of many. Sadly, these are anecdotal in nature and even the trials cannot withstand the robust scrutiny of scientific examinations.

Of course, the medications such as the blue pills had been around for more than a decade. Many of my patients still have fears of addictiveness, tolerance or even the risk of sudden death. Most of these perceptions are unfounded.

Lastly, many would even obtain unregulated or counterfeit medications from unknown sources. It often makes me feel sad to know the risk people would take with their sexual health. Surely, life is not so cheap!!