Why isn't dad more hands-on?

Dads are an important rolemodel for their children.

There are dads who change diapers, feed baby and read their kids bedtime stories. But, there are also dads who prefer not to be hands-on. Why don't more dads get involved in taking care of the kids?

With Father's Day just around the corner, we ask a few dads their opinion on this.

Dad of five and speaker / trainer Ahmad Fakhri Hamzah believes that one of the first challenges of being a father is deciding if you really want to be a father.

“If you have that strong intention, the rest is merely academic. That's my personal view.

“Children are a gift. The question now is why fathers are not doing their part when they can play a pivotal role in the child's life,” he says.

Entrepreneur and trainer Victor Loh, dad of a four-year-old boy and a newborn girl, says becoming a dad was a joy and a great experience.

“I didn't come from a perfect family – my mum was a single parent when I was growing up. My dad was around but we didn't have a close relationship. When I had my son, I realised that it's not easy being a parent and I appreciated my mum a lot more after that.

“It touched me and it became a point of reconciliation with my dad. I wouldn't have been able to experience that if I hadn't had children, but it's not easy being a dad,” admits Loh.

That said, both Loh and Ahmad say there's no excuse for not being a hands-on father.

They share their thoughts on why some dads don't get more involved in raising kids:

1) Nature

Ahmad believes that while it's natural for mums to be caring, gentle and nurturing, it's not something that comes as easily to dads.

“Dad could naturally be someone who lacks the confidence to engage with children. There is the perception that he's not good at it, he doesn't know how to handle it and he doesn't feel really comfortable playing with young kids and toddlers. He might even panic when they start crying.

Inherent in dad is the feeling that he can't really do it. He may think that he's not a people person and is more task-oriented,” explains Ahmad.

Because of this, dads might think they're just going to do what they're good at and that doesn't include taking care of the baby.

Loh says because the mother carried the baby for 40 weeks the bond between mother and child is stronger.

“It is more nurturing and efficient to have the mum taking care of the kid, rather than the dad. I can't imagine what the dad would do – switch on the TV, play games on the iPad ….

“If you ask me if I like to take my four-year-old into the shower to wash his hair, I would say I'd rather not. But if I need to do it, I will.

“If my son wants me to do it, I will. Will I volunteer to do it? More often not,” he admits.

2) Exposure

Another reason could be what he grew up seeing in his own family and home. In the past, dads went out to work and the mother took care of the kids.

In an Asian perspective, this scenario is very common. A lot of people who are parents today grew up with mums who raised them hands-on and dads who were hardly home because they were earning money to pay the bills.

“If you know the baby boomers' fathers – they worked very hard from sunrise to sundown and being the breadwinner literally meant they went out to make money and came back,” says Ahmad.

Children model what they see their parents do, so in some cases, dads today are modelling what they saw their own dads do.

Loh says that although his own dad wasn't around when he was a child, he made a conscious effort to be hands-on with his own children.

“One of the reasons why I wanted to be more hands-on was also because my dad wasn't around when I was growing up. I recognise that a lot of people don't get the opportunity like me to be able to sustain their family and balance out their time with the family,” he says, admitting he is blessed to be able to manage his own time and balance work and family.

3) Lack of interest to learn

While a number of dads today want to know more and learn how to be better fathers, others don't want to put in the effort to learn.

Ahmad questions why some men go all out to study engineering, law, medicine, accounting and all the professions to equip themselves to be successful in their careers, but refuse to go for courses or read books to improve themselves as parents.

“I think people take for granted that when you have children, it will come to you automatically.

“If we have a bit of skill and knowledge, it will help boost our confidence because we know we have the ability to mould and raise our children in the right environment. Children need to be raised in the right environment. And, who provides the right environment? We take for granted that it's always the mum. I think that's where the problem lies,” says Ahmad.

He points out that parenting is not something that should be assumed comes naturally. Some women might have more experience with taking care of smaller children, perhaps through taking care of their siblings when they were growing up, but the same is often not true for boys.

Loh says it is important for dads to read books and attend programmes on parenting as it's not something that comes naturally. “With dads, sometimes there can be a disconnect. If you don't have time to go for courses and workshops, sign up to join groups and forums online. There aren't many fathers groups in the Malaysian community but there are online.”

4) Cultural perception

Based on the Asian culture, women are still expected to be more hands-on taking care of the children and the men are expected to take care of the family by providing financially. Although times are changing, they are not changing fast enough to have an affect on the balance of responsibilities within all homes.

“I've seen older people who think men don't need to wash the dishes or handle the children. I think there is that cultural dimension that doing women's 'work' is not very macho,” says Ahmad, who admits that his own childhood home was different as he watched both his parents in the kitchen preparing food together.

Loh says it's time to change this perception.