YOU’VE got style, and I mean parenting style. As individuals, we are never surprised by people with different styles in leadership, teaching, dressing, home decor, etc. Yet, for some reason, we are surprised when people do not parent the way we would. Why is that?
In many ways, it is because we come to parenting with strong ideas and beliefs about what it takes to be a “good” parent. So, what is the most suitable parenting style for teens and tweens?
The style that is thought to have the best outcomes for teens is authoritative parenting.
US-based adolescent experts Nancy Darling and Laurence Steinberg advise parents to think about this type of parenting in an “emotional context rather than as a compilation of specific parenting practices”.
Parents set a tone that communicates clear rules and guidelines, with expectations for appropriate conduct. In practice, these rules and guidelines are often established together.
These parents are present and available to listen and answer questions.
Parents monitor their teens and are nurturing when their teens make mistakes. This is not to say that teens don’t get consequences, rather that the consequences are delivered without shame and guilt.
When parented this way, teens are more likely to be confident, responsible, and good at school. They are less likely to use or abuse drugs or alcohol, be involved in delinquent behaviours, or experience anxiety and depression.
Family life does not have to be a constant battleground during the teenage years.
Parents, however, need to know what to expect and be willing to make some adjustments in the way they think and act.
Here are the “C”s to remind us to change our parenting role as our children transit into teenage-hood.
Commander to coach
Recognise that the tweens/teens are growing up and have their own opinions. Gone are the days when we’d just tell them: “You do as I say because I’m your dad!” We need to ask more, tell less so as to better understand their thoughts.
A parent coach takes time to build relationship with the child and to find out his strengths and weaknesses, thereby maximising the child’s potential, bringing out the best in him.
Chatterbox to counsellor
By the time your child is a teenager, they would have listened to you for at least the past 10 years. Instead of just nagging at them or telling them how things are different during our time, it is now time to listen to them.
Hear what they have to say. We may not agree entirely with them but it is about knowing them for who they are, and understanding their thought processes and what’s in their heart.
Critic to cheerleader
Instead of finding fault with them, which, I’m sure, there are countless if we start looking for them, make it a point to catch them doing right.
Stand by them and tell them you still believe in them, even when they fail.
They may not openly express their gratitude but, trust me, they will be eternally thankful to you. As much as they appear cool on the outside, they are dying for affirmation and love on the inside.
It is important to recognise that even the most well-intentioned parents are not going to be “authoritative” all the time. In fact, most parents find themselves falling into each of the four parenting styles (as mentioned two weeks ago – authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved) at some point during the teen years.
It is not healthy or helpful to analyse every move you make as a parent. The important thing is to be thoughtful in your approach and try to get it right most of the time.
In the words of Amy Chua, author of Battle Hymn Of The Tiger Mother: “It’s about believing in your child more than anyone else – more than they believe in themselves – and helping them realise their potential, whatever it may be. My parents were very strict but very loving. To this day, I’m very close to my parents.”
In the wake of the controversy over her self-professed regimented parenting methods in her book, her elder daughter Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld wrote in her mother’s defence: “No outsiders can know what our family is really like. They don’t hear us cracking up over each other’s jokes. They don’t see us eating our hamburgers with fried rice. They don’t know how much fun we have.”
Conceding that having Chua as a mother has been no “tea party”, the girl added: “But now that I’m 18 and about to leave the tiger den, I’m glad you and Daddy raised me the way you did.”
Well, when you are a professor at Yale Law School and your daughter (Sophia) is accepted by both Yale and Harvard, one cannot help but exclaim in awe: “The tiger mum must have done something right!”
Now, it does not mean that she did not make any mistakes in her parenting journey but one thing is clear – she may be a tiger mum but she definitely has a strong, loving relationship with her cubs. That should be the “in” style!
Charis Patrick is a trainer and family life educator who is married with four children.
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