Strong-willed vs mild-mannered kids

Are you worried about your strong-willed and difficult child? Is there a fear that she will grow up to be stubborn and problematic?

How about your mild-mannered child? Are you worried that he will be bullied in school and at work later on?

According to Woo Pei Jun, lecturer/ developmental psychologist at Sunway University College, parents needn't fear that their child's temperament today will be the same 20 years from now.

Woo explains that whether they turn out mild-mannered or strong-willed depends on their inborn traits as well as the environment they grow up in.

“What is inborn is something you get genetically, so you can't change that; you'd probably get some traits from your dad and some from your mum. What makes the difference is how the environment and parents shape the children's temperament,” she says.

Woo says that in the past, the theory was that the difficult temperament child would grow up to be emotionally problematic.

“But, we know now that this is not necessarily true. It also doesn't mean that if you have an easy child that he is going to be easygoing and adaptable in the future.

“It depends on how the child's environment shapes him or her.”

Woo explains that the child's temperament would start to show when they start talking. That's when they can cognitively observe and link cause and effect.

Mismatch

She warns that there might be repercussions if a child's temperament does not match the environment he is in.

“If the environment matches the kid's temperament, we say there is a good fit, and that's when the child turns out to be, what we call, a good-willed kid.

“If there is a mismatch between the kid's temperament and the environment, then it may lead to some other problems, including emotional and behavioural problems for the child.

“When we talk about the environment, it would involve the family, especially for Asians.”

Basically, you need to know your child's temperament – mild-mannered, shy, outgoing, loud, strong-willed or easy-going. Then, having understood your child's temperament or personality, you must then realise which environment may stress them and which environment may not stress them as much.

When you have a mild-mannered and shy child, it may not be good if your routine is spontaneous with changes being made all the time or even continuous exposure to a loud, crowded environment.

It may just stress your child. If your child can't accept all the noise, commotion and activities, it becomes too stressful for him and he may withdraw further.

However, if the outgoing parent realises that and exposes the kid but does it gradually, then it may turn out to be good. This way, the child is slowly exposed to more people and is challenged to be less shy without it being overwhelming or too stressful.

Strong-willed and outspoken

Those who are strong-willed are usually outspoken because language-wise they are normally very good. They are also usually very creative to manipulate situations to suit their needs, says Woo.

“They're very smart, and this is not a bad thing. If they can tweak the situation, they are obviously very observant and creative. You have to be careful with them as they could go down the wrong alley.

“The first thing is to know that your child is strong-willed. They are the type on whom the old Asian parenting style may not necessarily work,” says Woo.

By old Asian parenting style, Woo means the authoritarian style of doing things. She explains that children who are strong-willed want to understand why they should do something or why they can't do something else.

“If you don't give them an explanation as to why, then they may not listen to you, and they may challenge you a bit more.

“Having said that, this doesn't mean that you must give in and talk all the time without any action, because they may be using endless questions to manipulate the situation. For example, when you ask them to do something, they may keep asking questions and distract you so much that they don't need to do what you've asked them to do.

“So, some strong-willed kids are quite smart. While parents should explain the 'why', there should also be a limit as to how much you explain, and then they still have to do the task given to them,” says Woo.

Another “trap” parents might fall into is getting worked up and then saying something negative.

Woo advises parents to to be calm when dealing with conflicts or questions.

“Sometimes parents might get annoyed when the children keep asking questions and they start protesting. If you are not calm, you might say something you don't mean to. You don't want to be in a situation where you get worked up and then lash out and say something you shouldn't. You also have to think about what's really going on, why are they really questioning and protesting,” says Woo.

Mild-mannered

What you do about your mild-mannered child, again, depends on how extreme the child's shyness is.

If your child is extremely quiet and/or extremely shy then there is cause for concern.

But if they're just a bit slow to warm up, then probably there is no real reason to be worried. Their temperament might just be a bit quiet and shy, and, usually, one of the parents would have these traits, as well.

“If you are concerned that they may not fit in, and that they may not question and understand lessons, then I guess you could to a certain extent look at slowly exposing them to problem-solving skills or questioning skills.

“Usually, parents have to model these skills. It is probably not the best idea to do it in a large group situation because they are shy and quiet. You could perhaps do it at home in a one-to-one situation to start with. The best thing is to start it early if you notice it, perhaps at play sessions. You need to encourage them; don't dictate. If you dictate, you are strengthening their mild-mannerism.

“During play, prompt them with decision-making questions, like 'There are the blocks and the dolls; which one would you like to play?' So, encourage them to choose options. Maybe start small with two options.

“If they choose blocks, then you ask them, 'What do you think we can do with the blocks?' Usually they have no answer and then you can give them choices. Make them talk a bit more and choose.

“From there, when they are a bit bigger, ask them questions that will make them think and answer, like what will happen if we do this; or is it good or bad to do that?

“Start by modelling the behaviour and then questioning,” advises Woo.

Some parents expose their children to creative classes (drama, crafts, art) and to team sports to encourage their children to overcome their shyness.

Woo says this may work if the group is not too big and the child does not withdraw even more and it also depends on the teacher facilitating the group.

If they have not had any prior exposure and they are suddenly exposed to these activities, and if it's a large group then it might not work, she explains.

“In a smaller group, it may work depending on the teacher, whether they understand the child, and also the other kids in the group. If the other kids bully this child, the child might have a negative outcome from that.

“If the teacher can control and educate the children that everybody in the class is their friend, and not to bully each other, then that's a good group to go to.

“There are so many elements that may influence the situation,” she adds.

Woo doubts that short leadership courses will help the child come out of his or her shell. It's hard for a short course to train the child and affect change on the child's temperament.

Setting boundaries

One key aspect in parenting both strong-willed and mild-mannered children, is to set limits and house rules. Set the boundaries by letting them know that regardless of their personality and temperament, certain family rules, traditions, customs and values must be adhered to.

So, while it's great that they are inquisitive, there are still family rules and boundaries to follow. Or, even if they are shy, there are certain family traditions that must be followed such as being polite and courteous in greeting everyone.
 

“You need to give them options – not a lot – maybe just a few choices. And let them understand the consequences behind the choices.

“For example, with a time-out, if a child doesn't want to come out of that quiet corner after the time-out is over, you can give her a choice – stay in there but don't get to do anything, or come out, clean up the toys and do something else. It's very important to let them know what their choices are and the consequences to these choices.

“The strong-willed children are the type who like to make their own choices and understand the choices and the consequences behind them.

“In that sense, that would help them more and guide them. They can understand because they are the type who are generally more advanced verbally and to a certain point cognitively. Giving them choices is good because they have a say and they are making choices. They will live up to the choice because they chose it themselves,” she adds.

Woo however advises parents to limit the choices so that they make the “right” one.

This way they think they have made a choice when in fact you have limited their options so that they will choose the option you want them to choose.

While strong-willed children are creative, their parents need to be even more creative and one step ahead of them.

Differences

Briefly, here's what you can do as parents:

Strong-willed children:
- Explain the why's.
- Set boundaries.
- Limit their options and explain to them the consequences to each option/
- Be calm.
- Be more creative and one step ahead of them. Think about what they're really up to when they start questioning too much.

Shy or extra quiet children:
- Model questioning and problem-solving skills.
- Ask them questions.
- Give them options.
- Ask them decision-making questions and “why” questions.
- Set boundaries/rules.
- Encourage them when they make choices.
- Don't laugh at, criticise or belittle their choices.
- Slowly expose them to a social setting (family gatherings, art and music classes, parties).

Conclusion

The key here is to understand the temperament of the child and work towards shaping the child's temperament so that he or she turns into a healthy individual.

Woo says you can take the risk and do nothing and hope that your child will turn out okay. You may have been just like your son when you were a child and yet you turned out okay, but what if your son doesn't turn out okay?

She says that parents today probably won't want to take the risk. On the flip side, you also don't want to be overly and unnecessarily concerned.

If parents are uncertain of what to do, Woo advises them to continue to monitor while seeking help from a professional.

If in doubt, consult.

According to Woo, recent research shows that whether a person is successful in life is not determined by their popularity or outspokenness at school.

“It's about how hardworking or conscientious you were in school – that predicts how well or successful you are later,” she adds.

“Successful” here is, of course, subject to interpretation.

While parents may be concerned, they shouldn't be overly-worried, especially if their child does not exhibit extreme temperaments - strong-willed or reserved.

“It's not necessarily a bad thing if your child is a bit strong-willed or mild-mannered as both types of children have different strengths and weaknesses.

“We should see the positive side of our kids. I guess there is no good or bad between the strong-willed and mild-mannered child. Sometimes, we forget to value the individual differences of the child,” she says.