When I was growing up, my siblings and I were required to address all adults and older cousins by their titles. In a big family like mine, it would run the gamut of ranks, from fourth Aunty, sixth Uncle and third cousin-in-law to second grand-uncle. Until today, I call my older female cousins jia jia, for older sister. When we are in our friends’ homes, their parents become “Aunty” and “Uncle.”
It is a sign of politeness and respect. We all do it without question.
I do want to instil respect for elders in my kids as I feel it is a dissipating part of our culture. However, I also feel strongly that respect has to be earned; it is not an entitlement. I think the title-calling is trivial enough.
There’s nothing wrong with calling someone aunty or uncle. In fact, I encourage it; it’s a good start to etiquette-training, which even some adults need. But I think parents need to be clear with kids that being respectful does not equate to obeying blindly.
If an adult is not respectful to a child, the child should question that. And by being respectful, I don’t mean being a complete pushover and giving in to every want and whine. Respecting a child means treating her like a person, and not violating or abusing the trust the child has in the said adult. It comes down to parents and guardians setting boundaries for kids, but within those boundaries, listening to them and letting them have a say.
The boundaries I set for my kids vary. Some are rules they have to abide by, such as when my elder practises her instruments; some are about creating secure environments for them to learn in, like when my younger daughter acquires new skills; some are about important issues like privacy and personal space.
Ever since Angelica started learning musical instruments, the deal was that she has to practise regularly, and she has to get the songs right before every lesson. That was the boundary I set for her. Beyond that, the practice time depends on her. As long as she can get the songs right, she could practise for five minutes at a time. But she has to keep to the deal.
Lauren needs help dressing because of her age. She would rather do it herself, but she often ends up tangled and frustrated. Instead of undermining her efforts and telling her to just let me do it because it’s faster, I tell her I’d help her get her head in the collar, and she can do the rest herself.
I have always dressed my kids away from other people, ever since they were babies. I teach them that their bodies are private and deserve respect. I tell them that when they’re old enough to dress by themselves, even I don’t have the right to be around when they’re getting dressed.
In doing the above and more, I hope I am empowering my kids to think for themselves. Children are already physically vulnerable to bigger and older people, they don’t have to be emotionally vulnerable as well. To tell them to obey the adults in their lives unquestioningly would render them completely helpless.
If you teach a child that her say matters, it makes a world of difference. Yes, she has to respect an older cousin, but if the cousin is a bully, she must stand up for herself. She must know that respect is a two-way street. In the context of a younger child, tell her that if someone makes her feel sad, bad or uncomfortable, she can make it stop. She has to tell you.
You, as a parent, matter a lot in how your child perceives respect. If you constantly brush off her opinions and thoughts as childish and silly, you are telling her she doesn’t know how to think.
In a seemingly simple interaction with another adult, a mother tells her child to say hello. The child resists, intimidated by the stranger she has never seen. The mother brushes it off: Don’t mind her. She’s always like this. I don’t know what to do with her, she’s so shy.
To the child, the mother is saying that being shy is a fault and that she is not important, let’s carry on with the conversation.
Do you realise being shy is actually a child’s first line of defence? You won’t want your child to be best friends with every strange adult she sees, will you? When a kid pulls back from a stranger, she’s assessing whether this person is going to threaten her wellbeing.
If you take that away, and add salt to wound by disregarding her reaction, the message you’re sending is that a child should always unthinkingly yield to an adult. Think about the implications of that.
So the next time your child hides behind your skirt, tell her it’s okay and that you just need a few minute to talk to your friend. Don’t apologise on her behalf to your friend. Have your conversation. Afterwards, tell your child that you understood how she felt, and that it was okay for her to be shy. Leave it at that.
As parents, our job is not only to love, nurture, feed and clothe our kids, it is also to empower them to think and to know that they matter.
Elaine Dong is not usually this serious, but this is a serious matter. Take heed. She blogs at angelolli.com.
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