If you have more than one child at home, then you would surely be aware that the most peaceful of households can turn into a nightmarish hell when children get into their annoying little squabbles.
The fact is, bickering among siblings is unavoidable. Not only is it normal for children to fight, but they will argue over almost anything – from who owns what, to who does better in everything. Most of all, siblings compete for their mother's and father's attention.
Educational and clinical psychologist Selina Ding Wai Eng says healthy competition among siblings is actually beneficial for children.
“Friendly competition is always a good thing among siblings. In any situation, if siblings compete, it motivates them to perform better and maximises their potential. It encourages them to look for strategies as well,” she says.
According to her, this helps to improve critical thinking and problem-solving skills. Sibling rivalry also helps children to become more accepting of themselves when they lose in any situation.
“They become more sporting. Competition is good, provided it is friendly,” says Ding.
She offers some guidelines for parents:
Be impartial
Parents must give equal attention and be sensitive to the needs of each child. If parents want to reward one child, there must be equal rewards for the other siblings. Favouritism should be avoided at all costs.
Quality time
Parents need to strike a balance between the elder and younger siblings and give them equal respect. “Each child needs some private time. Listen to what your child is saying because she is telling you exactly how she feels about certain things,” she says. Family time is important but try to give each individual child your attention. “Quality time spent with each child is better than buying expensive gifts,” she says.
Playing referee
When children are angry after a quarrel, it is really pointless to ask them what really went wrong. For one, it's difficult for them to see things clearly. An ironic fact is that many parents usually demand to know “the truth” after a fight. Refrain from asking “Who started this argument?” or “Who got the toy first?”
“You are teaching them to lie, instead,” says Ding. “A child who wants to defend himself will not be able to give you clear picture. If they get physical, calm them down and separate them. Get the real story when things have cooled off. Don't confront them together but talk to them separately in another room,” she advises.
Set rules
Before the start of any activity, set the rules as to what they can and cannot do. Be specific about what behaviour is acceptable and what is not.
“Telling them not to be 'naughty' is being very general. Set the rules like 'no shouting' or ‘no hitting’,” she says. Be specific about the rules so they can adhere to it. Tell them to share toys and put them back when they are done.
“Intervene only when they get physical. If noisy bickering disrupts family peace, speak to them after they have cooled off,” she says.
Solving issues themselves
Get your children to work out their own problems. Children should be able to find solutions for themselves when they are in a fight. The approach is: “If you created the problem, you should be able to fix it.” Ask the child: “What do you think you should do?”
Try not to point the finger at anyone because it will only teach children to find fault with their siblings. “Don't teach them to blame others. Give your kids a chance to see how they can solve problems. This way, they also become responsible individuals,” she advises.
Reward
Use positive reinforcement to train good habits. If children are able to fulfil their deeds or act in a responsible way, they should be rewarded for their good behaviour. You can also use negative reinforcement by taking away something that is important to your child. Once the child understands and corrects his ways, you can give it back to him.
Respect
How do you get children to respect one another? Having a good bond with your child helps. However, Ding says parents are role models for their children and they will automatically behave well when parents themselves provide a nurturing environment for them.
“Instil moral values in your family so that they understand what is appropriate behaviour and what is acceptable in our society,” she adds.
Strike a balance
All parents need to strike a balance with everything they do. You cannot be too harsh or too soft. Try to help children understand what is expected of them in society. Parents need to guide their children because there are social expectations they have to adhere to. Siblings will learn to be more tolerant and cooperative this way.
Working together
Get children to work together when they are young. If you wait too long, it will be difficult to instil cooperative behaviour in adulthood. Teamwork is important. Children learn about leadership by getting involved in some kind of family project.
“Try to get your children involved in family projects, like weddings or parties. Let them enter your world so that during the adolescent stage, they will learn to share their feelings with you as well.”
Communication
Teaching your child good communication skills is among the most important things you can do to avoid sibling rivalry. Fights are often caused by poor communication, just like any other sort of conflict. Help your child to communicate what she really wants and needs.
Ding says parents can help their children achieve their goals. Don't make it difficult for children by comparing them to others and saying things like: “Why can't you be smart like your brother?” Or, “Your younger brother can do things better than you.” This is a big no-no.
When your kids are working together in harmony, acknowledge the fact that you appreciate them doing things together.
“It makes a big difference to your children’s lives,” concludes Ding.
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