How do you even begin to protect your child if he is being bullied in school? Or your daughter if she is harassed in cyberspace?
Firstly, you need to differentiate between bullying and teasing. Teasing is more for fun and not done frequently or repeatedly with the intention to cause harm or hurt.
Bullying, on the other hand, is done to cause harm or hurt and it is done repeatedly.
Margaret A. Kaloo, principal of ELC International School and chairman of the Association of International Malaysian Schools (AIMS) says that children are under far greater pressure than ever before and this too can lead to bullying.
“It's not just bullying that happens in the playground and school; a lot of the bullying now can happen after school and not even on the streets outside school – it's cyber bullying. We might think there's no bullying because we don't see it in school but it's not being done in school. It's being done via the social network pages and through email and even SMSes. It's an extremely problematic time for children to be growing up in,” says Kaloo.
Developmental psychologist at Sunway University College Woo Pei Jun says kids in school tease all the time but they don't mean to really hurt other children.
“Bullying is different. It's a more severe kind of teasing where it's repeated and the intention really is to hurt you and make you feel less powerful.
“For it to be a case of bullying it must be done repeatedly and make that person feel less powerful and intimidated and the intention is to hurt the other person.
“If it's a case of isolating someone because she is talented or good at something, how much are they harassing her or are they just jealous of her and making some remarks about it.
“It's hard to draw the line because once one child starts harassing, then everybody follows because that person might then be seen as the class 'clown'.
“It could turn into bullying, albeit unconsciously by the rest. When there's a gang, it could be more hurtful sometimes,” she says.
According to Woo, with small children, when they hit each other it is not a case of bullying, even if they do it repeatedly.
Chances are they are just angry or frustrated in the moment or they might like the other child and they just don't know how to express themselves.
Woo explains that when most young children are asked about bullying, they don't really understand the definition of the word.
The more harmful and hurtful bullying usually happens at a later stage – when they are teenagers.
Looking for signs
According to Woo, parents worried that their child is being bullied should look out for these signs:
- depression
- not wanting to go to school
- feigning illnesses to avoid school
- not interested in activities they used to like
- loss of appetite
- not many friends
- nobody invites them to birthday parties
Kaloo explains that if a child comes home and doesn't want to talk about what happened in school, then parents should investigate and find out if this child is being bullied.
However, if the child comes home complaining about another child and what that child did, then chances are it's not a bullying case. Children fight all the time and while parents might be worried about a potential problem, often those two children are the best of friends the very next day.
What to do
Kaloo advises parents against confronting the child who is bullying or even speaking to that child's parents.
“That certainly does happen. That's the worst thing you can do for your child because he has to be able to survive in today's world and he can't always have a mum who's going to rush in and sort things out for him.
“And, of course, that just brings out the worse in the other mum,” she explains.
What they should do is work with the school to find a solution. If there is bullying, then it is the school's responsibility, says Kaloo.
“Keep calm, explain what you believe has happened and that you'd like it investigated. Then work together with the school.
“The worst thing you can tell your child is to hit back if somebody hits him/her. That's just encouraging it. We try to teach the students that it's right to intervene if you see something that you don't like or when there is some disagreement. It's all right to intervene and help the person who is being bullied,” she says.
Woo advises parents against telling their child that it will go away because it won't and in such a case the child will cease to tell them anymore about the bullying after that.
“The support of the school matters. However, if you have made complaints and talked to the school and still nothing is being done, then that school is not safe. Do you still want to put your child in an unsafe school environment? Then the question is whether you should change schools,” says Woo.
Kaloo says parents should also not ask their child what they did to provoke the bully.
“You do have to proceed with some caution. Otherwise they will clam up and not talk to you at all,” she says.
Long-term effect
In the long run, constant bullying might affect the child's self-esteem.
The child should be taught that when another child bullies them, it is the bully who has a problem. The child also needs to be taught the active approach to problem-solving.
Kaloo warns that bullying should not be taken lightly as it can cause serious depression in the victim who feels that nobody likes them.
“The most important thing is that the victim must not lose confidence in himself or herself. I always tell them it's not their problem, it's other people's problem if they can't handle your being good or clever (if that is the reason why they are isolated and bullied).”
How are bullies made?
Woo says that children who are bullies are usually those who are exposed to violence and usually the source is the parents themselves.
“They imitate the parents' behaviour and the neighbourhood kids. When they go to school they are rejected because they are a bit rude and don't follow rules. Academically they can't cope because there's nobody at home to help them. This leads to them being labelled, then the other kids tease them. To have a sense of belonging, they join the deviant group.
“Usually, these kids have risks at home, disciplining is a problem, the neighbourhood – this doesn't apply to all bullies but these could all be contributing factors.
“School is a big factor. Usually you find these kids who are bullying are not very good academically. We're talking about bullying as a subgroup of delinquent and anti-social behaviour.
“There are many reasons why bullies bully. One is to get attention. Another reason is to save themselves because the bullies themselves might have a history of being abused or bullied at home or at a previous school. So, to protect themselves from being bullied again they become the bullies and act aggressively. Some are just passive bullies who follow a gang. They can't achieve well so they just want to belong to a group,” she says.
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