It is a fine line between being a friend and being a parent. Most parents fear that if they are too much of a buddy to their children, there will be discipline and respect issues.
The fear is that the child will push the boundaries because they think they will be able to get away with anything.
Singaporean author John Ng says a parent can and should be a friend to their kids.
He is the honorary chairman of Singapore's EMCC (Eagles Mediation & Counselling Centre) and is frequently called on for family and marriage mediation.
He is also the author of Dim Sum for the Family and a father of three (his children are aged 15, 19 and 22).
He says, “Of course, a parent can be a parent and a friend to their child. In fact, they should. I think parents today cannot just be authoritative figures to their children and they cannot rule their kids the way our parents did with us. Children today are more knowledgeable. They want more connectivity and friendship. The only way for your children to open up to you is if they can treat you as a friend.
“If you rule by fear then they are not going to treat you as a friend. They are going to hide and lie. A lot of parents today react negatively if they see something on their children's phone – like a boyfriend or girlfriend's photograph. Whatever your reaction, it's not going to stop them from making friends or going into websites and reading books that they want to.”
Get with it
He advises parents to get with the programme by knowing the culture and trends among teenagers. This way, you expect your child to do the outrageous and to style their hair to the latest trends. If you expect such behaviour you will not be shocked or react negatively when it happens.
Citing the example of his daughter, Ng says she came home one day proclaiming that she liked a boy very much. Instead of being horrified and screaming, this is what Ng said to her:
“Oh, that's interesting. Tell me about him. There must be something about him that you like.”
This way, your child will treat you more as a friend than an authoritative parent and share their thoughts and feelings with you.
“Rather than saying, 'You're only 14 years old and you cannot have any boyfriends.' Your objections will not stop them from seeing that girl or boy. If you do that, they will not share their thoughts and feelings with you.
“I think you have to stop and check yourself before you say anything and you need to recognise that these are all normal behaviours for teenagers. If you think these are abnormal behaviours, then you will be shocked. If you treat these behaviours as if you are expecting them – like you expect your child to have a boyfriend or girlfriend when they're young and you expect them to be interested in smoking or drinking – then the situation will be easier to handle. When we were young we too were very curious, right?
“If you expect it, then you won't get shocked and then you would not feel that they are doing something abnormal. They are doing very normal things. The only thing is how do you as a parent steer them to the correct path. Talk to them about it. Discuss it with them rather than pounce on them and scare them,” he says.
Start from young
Being a friend to your child starts from the time they are small. It is not something you can suddenly attempt when they turn 12 or 13.
Ng advises parents to start connecting with their children from the beginning.
“To connect with them is to spend time with them. I think today's parents don't have time; they're so busy with their careers and their businesses. It's unfortunate. I call this the absentee parent phenomenon; not just an absentee parent but even an absentee spouse. We don't even have time for our spouses.
“Relationships take time and effort to build. I always say that building a relationship with your spouse or children is like riding a bicycle on a slope. You either pedal forward or you slide down. There is no stationary position. If you don't connect, your relationship is not going to stay still; it's going to slide downwards.
“For me, even though I travel quite a bit, I try to call my children every day when I'm away, just to say 'Hey, you're still on my mind; I haven't forgotten you.' Even the one or two minutes of conversation is appreciated.
“There is no excuse today for not keeping connected because you can use email, Skype or even Facebook!
“You just have to make time and put in the effort. There is no shortcut to parenting.”
Positive moments
Building a strong and healthy relationship with your children is all about having more positive than negative moments, explains Ng.
He says, it is not just about connecting.
“If you are connecting every day but you are just scolding, reprimanding and talking down to them, that's not a healthy relationship, either. If you have good positive moments – go out for movies, have dinner, enjoy their company, have good times, care for them – that's a healthy relationship.
“It becomes unhealthy when there is a lot of negativity as opposed to positivity.
“Actually for a healthy relationship you need five positive moments versus one negative moment. So, I think we need to cultivate more positive moments.
“Imagine the child coming home to your scolding every day; you're checking and controlling and they live in fear. There are a lot of negative moments and when you have negative moments it's very unlikely that the children will connect with you. So they live in fear or they live in guilt rather than enjoy a fun atmosphere and have a good relationship. Whether you are a parent authority or a friend, you need to cultivate a relationship. If you have a good relationship, when you tell them that this is your stand on something, then you have the authority and they will listen to you.
“However, if you're always scolding your son or daughter and it's one of the many scoldings that they receive, then they won't listen to you. But, if you show that you have his or her best interests in mind, they are more likely to listen to you,” says Ng.
Affinity and respect
He explains that relationships comprise of two components – affinity and respect.
Affinity is the degree to which your children like you and you like your children. Respect is the degree to which they feel you are a credible, worthy parent.
“If you only have likability, then they may lose their respect for you. That means you might be such a buddy that they get away with doing anything.
“On the other hand, if you only have respect, you are always strong, you assert your authority but with no affinity then it's not going to work, either.
“So a good parent has both – affinity and respect.”
Giving an example, Ng explained how he and his wife handled a situation with their daughter. She was getting defensive and the conversation was getting heated and he decided that they would discuss the matter at a later time after she had calmed down.
At that later time, he asked her casually what the real issue was and they were able to work out the problem and find a solution together.
“You shouldn't be afraid to lay down certain guidelines. Discipline for different ages will differ. When they are small, you set more limits for them and as they grow up, there should be greater flexibility in your discipline,” he says.
Know your limits
While it's great to be friends with your children, parents should know they can't return to their teenage years.
“You don't have to know everything, only the things that are important that you should know. It is important to understand that you are still their parent; you are not their friend as such.
“Don't overstep your boundary; you are not going to be of the same generation as them so you are not really going to enjoy the music they enjoy. You might tolerate it although you might not like it. To know and understand your child, you need to know what he is interested in.
“I think they can smell your insincerity if you pretend to like their music tastes,” says Ng.
Parents are human, too
According to him, confiding is not just one way.
“I do tell my kids about my struggles and I think that's good. I don't tell them everything. I tell them that I have issues in business and issues with people in the office. So, they know that even their parents can tell them about their struggles. Then they know their parents are not perfect; they are not parents without problems. They have problems and they value my input.”
How much you reveal about your problems depends on the situation and how old your children are.
According to Ng, confiding in your children doesn't affect their respect for you; in fact, they respect you more for it because they recognise you're human and honest.
Another important thing is knowing how to apologise to your kids. A true friend apologises and so does a good parent, says Ng.
“You also need to create an environment of learning together. So, even if their boyfriend or girlfriend jilts them they will come to you because they know that we can all learn from it. Don't say, 'I told you so.'
“If you create that learning environment they will be very open with you. For example, when my son doesn't do well in his studies, I ask him to tell me what he thinks went wrong and how he thinks he can improve.
“I don't talk down to them, especially when they are teenagers.
“I know that kids are better informed today and more mature. They question more.
“It is important to be interested in their interests. To be a friend, you need to do that. A friend is interested in you and your interests.”
He stresses that the main purpose for being a friend as well as a parent is to build a bond with them, and that bond will stay a long time.
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