Parents often worry about their children when the blossoming adolescent turns into a moody, quiet and even rebellious teen.
Are these signs that something is troubling the teenager or is it perfectly natural for children to go through that phase from 13 to about 18?
Woo Pei Jun, lecturer/developmental psychologist at Sunway University College, says that parents should look out for certain signs that could spell “trouble”.
She advises parents to look out for:
- Sudden changes of behaviour – if the teenager suddenly becomes withdrawn, doesn't talk as much as they used to, or in extreme cases they lock themselves in their room for long hours;
- Sudden changes in mood – if they have extreme mood swings, sudden outbursts or easy breakdowns.
- If behaviour and moods affect their social functioning (friends, family, relationships, school).
Those are alarm signals that something is troubling the teenager.
“Teenagers can be quite moody so it has to be extreme changes which affect their social and academic functioning. In normal cases, teenagers are moody and that's fine but it's not to the extent that it's affecting their academic or social functioning.
“Even with adults, we sometimes can be a bit moody but that doesn't mean we can't function at work. It's only a problem when our moodiness starts to affect our work and we can't concentrate.
“Similarly here, if the teenager's behaviour has changed so much that it's affecting their peer relationships or social functioning and academic functioning then that is cause for concern. Otherwise, your teenager is normal,” says Woo.
How to deal with the troubled teen
Woo advises parents to tread carefully if they have a troubled teenager.
The parent will need to investigate further to find out what is bothering their teenage child.
“You will have to talk to the teachers to find out if there have been any big changes in school or any sudden outbursts that are aggressive, or if the teenager is suddenly withdrawn and if it is affecting their concentration, or if they are dozing off in class – things that are not normal with other teenagers. Ask a bit more about friendships – have they changed in any way. But that's a bit more difficult unless you know your teenager's friends; then it's easier to find out.
“Alternatively, you can also talk to the parents of your teenager's friends or talk to the friends.
“You have to be really careful because your teenager can get upset if they think you're snooping around. That's why we usually start asking in school if there is a real problem. Because when it is severe then safety is a concern.
“After that, it is usually a bit more okay to then start asking the parents or if you're close to the teenager's friends then you might try asking them. But here too you have to be careful how you word your questions. It should be more like 'I'm a bit concerned lately that so-and-so has been having these outbursts. Have you noticed?' Put it in a way that says you are only asking because of safety issues.
“Obviously they may not tell you everything in the first instance but tell them that if they notice anything that is going to risk his or her safety, to please come and alert you. Phrase it such that the friend knows that you are not intruding on the teenager's privacy and the friend doesn't feel that 'So-and-so's mum is a busybody'.
“I think if you put it in terms of safety and keep it short, then that should be fine.
“You don't want to approach just any of their friends. Approach his best and closest friends. This is always easier if you have already cultivated the habit of knowing your son's or daughter's friends,” she advises.
If the parent is not familiar with their teenage child's closest friends, trying to get information on what is troubling the teenager will be all that much harder.
Abnormal or trendy?
Having said that, Woo warns parents not to become too worried at what they perceive as “abnormal” behaviour. It is actually perfectly normal for teenagers to explore what is perceived by adults as unusual behaviours, fashions and habits. This is their attempt to create their own identity.
How do parents know when something is normal or abnormal?
“There is no right answer. I think the important thing is to know your teenager's friends. Invite them over, if possible. The other thing is to familiarise yourself with the current so-called fads and fashions among teenagers either at their age or one or two years older.
“You may not agree with these trends; a lot of parents don't. But at least you know that that is the fashion now. So, if your teenager suddenly dresses that way or styles his hair that way you're not too shocked. If we are not prepared then we may do or say something that we may regret. So it's important for parents to understand the teenage culture and trends.
“Parents also need to evaluate – weigh the costs and benefits of that particular behaviour that your teenager wants to attempt. Would it be beneficial to your child? Would it just be temporary? What are the consequences – is it long-term? Would it lead to anything illegal? Would it go against school rules? You don't want that to happen because it may lead to your child's suspension from school.
“You may need to ask yourself as a parent a few of these questions before you make any judgment on whether you want to set limits on this behaviour.
“There is no one right answer on what is unacceptable because there are so many different types of behaviours,” she says.
Strange interests
Some children have interests that are different from the norm. This may not be cause for concern if it's not illegal and will not lead to anything detrimental to them.
Woo advises parents who have a close relationship with their teenager to try asking why they find this subject fascinating.
“Give the child or the teenager a chance to express themselves. It's all right to ask them directly because they obviously have something to express.
“A lot of times teenagers feel that their parents' first reaction to everything is a 'No' and that's bad. We shouldn't condition the teenager to think that 'With my mum or dad, it's always a 'No', so I don't need to ask them, I'll just do it before they know it or I'll just tell them at the last minute before the party begins so they have no chance to say 'No' '. And, that is actually what annoys the parents, I think.
“I believe parents value it if their children tell them ahead of time, at least three or four days ahead of time, and that's a good thing because it also teaches teenagers to plan ahead. As parents we have to remember not to immediately say 'No' to the teenagers because it will condition them to not ask anything anymore.
“Be willing to consider but also be willing to tell the teenager that 'my answer is not always a No. It could sometimes be a 'Yes', it could be a 'No', or it could be a 'Yes but with some terms or conditions'. So, if you meet these terms then 'Yes'.
“I think that's a better way of communicating with the teenager and it helps the teenager to problem-solve and plan, too,” says Woo.
She advises parents to be careful what questions they ask and how they phrase their questions lest it be misconstrued as intrusive. If you do need to give advice, keep it short and simple and give some explanation for it but don't go on and on about it because then the teenager will feel that you are nagging.
Woo encourages parents to also pay attention to positive behaviour. She warns that often parents think of the teenage years as troubled times full of deviant behaviour. This results in parents having a very negative reaction to teens.
Woo recommends that parents let teenagers know that they notice their good behaviour. In addition, parents shouldn't continuously remind them of what they have done wrong in the past because then it becomes nagging.
“I think the most important thing is to have a good relationship with your child right from the early years because I notice there are some parents who have lost that and once their children become teenagers and when they suspect something is wrong, they suddenly ask 'So, how are you today?' and it's been 10 years since mum and dad have asked them that question. How would the teenager feel? Suspicious, of course,” says Woo.
She advises parents to release the reins a bit more when their children become teenagers. Let go of certain things if they are not too aversive. These teenagers are no longer children and as such the parents can't keep controlling their every move.
“For example, their dressing and how they fashion their hair or accessorise – it's a phase that they go through. You cannot control that because this is the time when they want to create their own identity. Teenagers create an identity by following what their peers do or how they dress but with something that is slightly different.
“I think parents get worried because of safety issues. That's why sometimes the answer to teenagers' requests can be a 'Yes, you can go but with these conditions.' Don't tell them but ask them if they've thought about how they will get to the party, how they will come back, if there is an emergency how you can contact them and how they can contact you, and what time they will be back. Let them have some time to think about it and reply. Once they have thought about it I think we as parents feel more comfortable and reassured that the teenager can take care of himself or herself.
“I think as parents we are afraid that our teenager can't handle certain situations but if you don't brief them or problem-solve with them ahead of time then they will never grow up,” she says.
Privacy
With social networking so dominant in the lives of teenagers and adults, parents and their teenage children often find themselves on Facebook and Twitter.
Is it okay for a parent to follow their teenagers on Twitter and to be in their Facebook circle of contacts?
Says Woo: “There are two types of reactions from teenagers with regards to having their parents on their Facebook list of friends. Some are very willing to add mum or dad as a friend in their Facebook account. However, some teenagers think 'Dad suddenly asked to be added' and they don't respond because they don't want to add the dad. They don't want dad to see all the photos they've been taking. I guess it really depends if your teenagers are willing to let you know what they are doing. If they do, that's a good sign.
“If they are not, then you must ask yourself the question: How good is your relationship with your teenager?
“For certain things, it's all right if they don't involve you. Sometimes they need a bit of privacy. Don't be so paranoid.”
Just as parents want their family members to respect their privacy, they too should respect their teenager's privacy.
Checking their teenager's diary is a big no-no.
Woo advises parents to give their teenagers the space and privacy they need. Plus, the teen will get very offended if they find out that mum or dad has been intruding, spying or poking around, and questioning their friends.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree
Parents who discover their teenage daughter or son is smoking or using profanity really need to also take a good look at themselves.
“If your teenager has adopted a certain behaviour or habit, you have to ask yourself, are you also doing the same thing? Or is someone in the family doing the same thing? For example, the parent complains that the child is smoking in school but the parent is also smoking. They're just imitating your behaviour and if you tell your teenager they can't smoke, they will turn around and ask you, 'But you smoke; why can't I?'
“It's the same with language and the use of profanity.
“So, we really have to set a good example. It's easier said than done but it's something to think about as well,” says Woo.
The rebellious teen
If the teenage son or daughter is rebellious and doesn't want to communicate with the parent, then there is usually some incident that has led up to that.
“Teenagers are usually not that rebellious. The conflict is usually on minor things such as dressing, hobbies, how they act in a social environment, the way they talk – mostly, it's on these things, not something major.
“I think parents need to have a balance of which matters to be strict and firm on and which matters they can let go. Understand that certain things are a phase. Parents should only interfere when it actually doesn't match the family's values. Certain things you have to let go as long as it's not dangerous and doesn't lead to illegal activities. Otherwise, it creates tension and it just gets worse and worse and then they become rebellious and suddenly don't talk to you.
“They don't just suddenly not talk to you. It usually builds from something,” says Woo.
Conclusion
There is no one magic solution for all the “problems” with teenagers. Sometimes you need to adjust the solution according to your teenager. Hence, Woo, points out it is important to know your teenager and when to question and when to leave him or her alone.
“There is no one answer for all. But you must know your kids and you should start from young and not suddenly during their teenage years. It doesn't work that way.
“When your child is a teenager, give them privacy. I think that is important. Don't always say 'No' to their requests. Give consideration to their requests. And, help them think about their requests as well so that they learn to problem-solve. This way they learn how they can let their mum be assured of where they are going so that the next time they plan to go somewhere they can get a 'Yes' answer from mum. So, they become smarter in a sense and in a good way.
“That is more fruitful and beneficial.
“You don't have to be an expert in what your child likes but taking an interest helps because then your child may be willing to share and open up to you. Taking an interest doesn't mean you have to be like them. Don't suddenly start dressing like your teenage son or daughter. It will be so embarrassing for them.”
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