Many parents find it very difficult to accept that their child could be bullying others and also need help to deal with it. — 123rf
WHEN it comes to bullying, some parents are shocked to discover that their own children are on the other side of the line: as the ones inflicting pain, not enduring it.
Azlan* never realised that his son was a bully at school. Stranger still, neither did the boy himself.
It all began last year when Fakrul* was a 10-year-old pupil at a primary school in Klang, Selangor. He was settling into a new school after moving from Melaka, where his father had previously worked.
As classmates, Fakrul and his friends would hang out during recess, share meals and jokes, and go for bicycle rides after class. Everything seemed fine to Fakrul.
Among the “fun activities” they did was “joking” about another classmate, Ali*. Apart from the teasing, they sometimes spilled Ali’s drinking water, scribbled in his exercise books and chased him around in a game of tag that they forced him to play.
This went on for almost three months, until a parent-teacher meeting brought the “fun and games” to an abrupt end.
Azlan had thought it would be a routine school meeting, before he was confronted by Ali’s parents, who told him Fakrul and his friends had been bullying their son.
“They told me Ali had had enough after he was pelted with stones. I couldn’t believe my son did all that, but I also couldn’t deny what they were saying. They asked me to deal with my son,” Azlan recalls.
During a meeting with Ali’s teacher later, Azlan was surprised that the teacher didn’t seem aware and had not mentioned any of the bullying incidents involving Fakrul and his friends.
When they got home that afternoon, Azlan sat down with Fakrul to talk about his actions at school.
“He told me everything, including making fun of Ali. I immediately raised my voice to let him know what he did was wrong. He froze, as if thinking about all the things he’d done to Ali.
“Fakrul told me they were just playing. I explained that what he’d done wasn’t funny. He had hurt someone, inside and out.”
Azlan said that he then realised that his son did not understand that what he did was wrong and that it was bullying.
“My son didn’t know he was bullying someone. He thought he was just having fun with friends, playing tag with another scrawny kid like him.”
Azlan then called Ali’s parents in front of his son to tell them the matter had been dealt with and offered to pay for any medical expenses if Ali had been injured.
Realising the gravity of the situation, Fakrul broke down in tears and apologised. Azlan caned him lightly on the palms as punishment.
“I did it just once on each palm, enough for him to know what he did was wrong. I also told Ali’s parents that my son would apologise to Ali at school the next day,” Azlan says.
After apologising, Fakrul told his father he would stay away from his friends for a while.
“I later learned that the other boys’ parents had also reprimanded their sons. As far as I know, Ali is no longer being bullied at school.”
Azlan believes that addressing such behaviour early is crucial.
“I don’t want my son growing up thinking bullying is normal. I don’t want him to be a troublemaker, especially when he goes to secondary school. Such traits shouldn’t be overlooked or allowed to fester.”
While it does not condone caning, especially school caning, Parent Action Group for Education Malaysia (PAGE) agrees that the problem of bullying needs to be nipped in the bud.
Addressing this issue early on can prevent far more serious behavioural problems later on, says PAGE chairman Datin Noor Azimah Abdul Rahim.
However, she notes, unlike Azlan, many parents find it very difficult to accept that their child could be bullying others.
“The natural reaction is often denial or defensiveness. They may feel shocked, embarrassed or believe the school is exaggerating. But acknowledging the problem is the first step towards change.”
Another father, 43-year-old Rajaie Arbee from Subang Jaya, Selangor, says he too decided to speak to the parents of his son’s “bully” after his nine-year-old son began refusing to go to school. His son had undergone brain surgery to remove a tumour a couple of years earlier, and Rajaie could not bear to see him suffer again.
“The other boy kept hitting him on the head, especially. I went to see his father and told him about it. I understand that boys will be boys, but be careful.
“I also think the boy didn’t realise the impact of his actions. Maybe he just didn’t know how to express himself properly or didn’t know how to socialise,” he says.
To everyone’s pleasant surprise, Rajaie’s son and the classmate are now good friends.
“They play video games together and visit each other’s homes. We actually live in the same apartment block, so the two of them always hang out.”
Rajaie agrees that swift intervention can help shape children into better individuals.
“We must be aware of what’s going on. We have to break the cycle before it becomes accepted behaviour.”
Just like their children, parents of bullies or children demonstrating bullying tendencies also need support when it comes to dealing with bullying, says Noor Azimah, who adds that schools and counsellors can help by offering workshops, open communication channels and early intervention programmes that guide parents on managing anger, empathy and discipline at home.
“Many simply don’t know what signs to look for or how to respond without making things worse.
“When parents feel supported – not judged – they’re far more likely to engage and work with the school to correct their child’s behaviour.”
* Not his real name.
