FEWER Malaysians are tying the knot, continuing a trend in recent years.
Figures from the Statistics Department show that the number of marriages has gradually declined from 207,882 in 2016 to 188,100 in 2023, according to a report by The Star on Dec 13, 2024.
Here, four participants of the BRATs Young Journalist Programme, run by The Star’s Newspaper-in-Education (Star-NiE) team, share their thoughts on marriage and parenthood. For updates on the BRATs programme, visit facebook.com/niebrats.
From fear to hope
AS a child enticed by fairy tales, I dreamt of being swept away by Prince Charming and living happily ever after. But those fantasies shattered early.
Growing up in a broken family, I quickly learnt that life was far from a storybook. In my house, the sound of shouting was as familiar as the ticking of a clock. I knew, even as a child, that my mother stayed for my sake.
That knowledge was suffocating – I felt like both the cause of her suffering and an unwilling witness to it.
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Marriage, to me, became synonymous with a miserable cage, and parenthood a heavy chain that prohibited one from breaking out. Any conversations about the idea of a loving family gave me the ick.
Determined to escape that fate, I vowed to carve out a different path, clinging to the idea of independence as a lifeline.
I imagined a life of financial freedom, a thriving career and no strings attached – no husband, no children, no compromises.
For years, the promise of being a career-driven woman felt empowering. It gave me purpose and protected me from confronting my emotional wounds.
University, however, brought unexpected shifts. While focused on academics and self-development, I couldn’t ignore the relationships blossoming around me.
Friends fell in love, navigating the highs and lows of commitment. Slowly, I was drawn in, too. Crushes turned into “situationships”, prompting me to rethink my rigid stance on relationships.
I met couples who broke the mould of what I thought marriage and parenthood were – parents who nurtured their children with love and partners who respected and uplifted each other. It opened my eyes to new possibilities.
Through conversations and self-reflection, I realised that my aversion to marriage was rooted in fear – fear of repeating my parents’ mistakes.
But that fear had transformed. Instead of running from the idea of family, I became motivated to create a different reality, one free from dysfunction.
Today, while I still value personal growth and independence, my outlook has shifted. I see marriage not as a cage but as a partnership where both individuals can thrive.
Parenthood, once a daunting concept, now feels like an opportunity to offer the kind of support and love I once longed for.
My past shaped me, but it doesn’t define my future. Every step I take now – pursuing my career, building meaningful relationships and improving communication skills –reflects my commitment to creating a better future for myself and my future family. – By CHARIS CHIANG EN-HUI, 22, Kuala Lumpur
A deeply personal goal
“THE best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others,” said Mahatma Gandhi.
This quote has inspired me to help others, whether by volunteering for stray animal adoption drives, donating blood, or offering support to the underprivileged community.
However, I’ve come to realise that one of the most profound ways to serve others is by building a family of your own.
For me, the idea of marriage and parenthood has grown from an abstract and unattainable concept to a deeply personal goal.
As I transitioned into adulthood, I began to see how these roles not only contribute to self-fulfilment but also shape us into more responsible individuals. They teach patience, sacrifice and commitment – qualities that foster personal growth.
Having witnessed how friends and family become more generous after marriage and parenthood, I now understand why these roles have been held in high regard across cultures and throughout history.
The family unit, after all, forms the bedrock of society. Strong families build strong communities.
However, I was not always so keen on starting a family of my own. As a child and teenager, I dreaded the immense responsibility these roles demanded and what would happen if I failed.
What if I failed as a husband to provide for my family or as a parent whose children might suffer due to my mistakes? These questions lingered within me, making me anxious about committing to these traditional life goals.
But with time, I’ve come to accept that life is a series of trade-offs. While it is true that raising a family involves sacrifices, its rewards – love, companionship and a sense of purpose – far outweigh the risks.
Unfortunately, many of my peers don’t share this perspective. Conversations with friends often reveal a growing reluctance towards marriage and parenthood.
The pursuit of pleasure and personal freedom frequently takes precedence, relegating these traditional milestones to afterthoughts or even nuisances.
While I respect anyone’s choice not to marry or have children, I believe family life offers a sense of fulfilment that fleeting pleasures cannot match.
For me, marriage and parenthood are not just life goals but priorities. They represent a commitment to something greater than myself: to serve others in a meaningful way while evolving into the best version of myself.
Gandhi’s words remind me that true fulfilment lies in giving, not receiving. In pouring my love and effort into a future family, I hope to find a deeper sense of purpose and belonging. – By DANIEL FADZLAN, 22, Perak
A significant responsibility
AT 16, I thought marriage was a breeze. My life plan was to finish high school, earn a bachelor’s degree, get a job and eventually settle down.
Over the years, my perspective on marriage has changed, especially after observing and experiencing relationships.
As I entered adulthood, I began to see marriage as a significant responsibility – a partnership that involves raising children, effective communication, problem-solving, and managing various influences.
I also realised that different life stages come with changing needs and desires.
Dating in my 20s is challenging due to societal and family expectations, traditions, compatibility, personal goals, financial considerations and family background.
Being single offers more freedom. I have more time for my goals, independence and self-discovery. In college, focusing on my education without the demands of a relationship allowed me the space to make decisions without external influence.
I have also learnt that love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. The ability to communicate with mutual understanding is key. Attaining emotional security from our partner is also a fundamental aspect of a fulfilling relationship.
Financial stability is another consideration since dating can be expensive.
At my age, marriage is often seen as the expected outcome of a relationship. I grew up in a family where marriage and having children at a certain age are considered the norm. However, the thought of settling down so soon after graduating feels overwhelming, as having children significantly changes a couple’s life.
Marriage can be further complicated by family traditions and customs, which often require additional financial effort.
Committing to a lifelong partnership means declaring affection and loyalty. Many fail to realise that partners may differ in emotional intelligence, financial stability, attachment style and conflict resolution. This is why the willingness to learn from one another is important.
The timing of marriage also depends on individual circumstances. Some prefer to marry early, while others choose to wait.
I believe that it is better to understand the realities of marriage before entering it, rather than plunging in blindly. – By NURFATIHAH IRDINA, 24, Selangor
’Not my top priority’
AT present, marriage and parenthood rank low on my list of future priorities. As a reserved person, I am not in constant need of companionship. My higher priorities include travelling the world and learning new languages.
Adolescents often date out of curiosity, insecurity, or the desire to show off. Some think they have to follow in their parents’ footsteps, but it is not mandatory. You have a choice. You cannot be forced into marriage or pregnancy unless you choose to.
I have never been in a serious relationship, although I have seen many of my friends try it. I have not found a compelling reason to date yet.
To me, entering a relationship without preparations or expectations feels like jumping off a cliff into the sea without knowing how deep it is.
Most of my life goals can be achieved without romantic ties, as they are generally solitary pursuits. That said, having a romantic partner does not necessarily hinder these goals – in fact, it may ease the journey.
If I were to enter a relationship, my goals would likely remain unchanged, but I would not be alone on the journey. Travelling the world with a companion, for instance, could be more enjoyable and potentially safer.
A relationship is serious business. My stance is simple: if it happens, it happens – relationships should not be forced or rushed.
If it were to happen, I would not contemplate marriage right away. I would approach it cautiously and take things slowly.
It also depends on who your “type” is. From a basic perspective, there are extroverts, introverts and ambiverts. If I were to date an extrovert who enjoys social events and meeting new people, my goals might adapt to include those activities.
The ideal approach is to discuss and reach compromises that satisfy both partners.
I believe a relationship should be an equal partnership built on mutual support, love and care. Responsibilities should be shared, whether financial or emotional. – By HAYLEY POH, 18, Penang
