It is more common these days to hear of people getting divorced than people celebrating their wedding anniversaries. Increasingly, fewer couples are reaching silver jubilee (25 years), pearl (30 years) or ruby (40 years) status in their marriages, let alone the golden milestone at 50 years or diamond at 60!
Like Hollywood stars Tom Cruise and Jennifer Lopez, some may have even gone through marital breakups not once but several times.
If you have a teen or tween at home and are still married, you are likely to have been married for about a decade or more. Give yourself a pat on the back. That is an achievement by today’s standards.
Locally, divorce is also on the rise. Figures from the Islamic Development Department (Jakim) show that among Muslims, the rate has jumped from 17,749 in 2005 to 27,116 in 2009. Non-Muslims, according to the National Registration Department, have seen a hike of 2,938 cases in 2009 to 7,900 in 2010.
In Beijing, the divorce rate is said to be as high as 39%. This means that one in every two to three marriages fails. Experts fear that the rate will continue to soar, particularly among the younger “me” generation born under China’s one-child policy and during the country’s explosive economic growth.
Interestingly, it was recently reported in the Chinese media (chinadaily.com.cn) that divorce in cities such as Beijing and Nanjing rose quickly after the national college entrance examinations. Many couples, it was said, believed they had fulfilled their parental responsibilities by raising their children to college-entry age – usually 18. Thus, they felt it was the “appropriate” time to end their unhappy marriages.
Truly, it’s not easy to have a strong marriage that lasts a lifetime. It takes a lot of hard work.
So opposites attract and we fall in love. But after marriage? We realise that opposites attack as well! We may argue over the smallest things, from which way to squeeze the tube of toothpaste and how one should insert the toilet roll – facing in or out – to major issues such as finance, communication and infidelity.
The most common reason cited for divorce? IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES. Two big words to include everything you can ever imagine.
For those who have persevered 10 years or more in their marriage and have teens or tweens in the house, you may find it an exceptionally difficult season in your life. Totally understandable. As it is, the teen years on their own are already challenging enough. But for parents with teens or tweens, it is like having to walk a tight rope of double tension. This much may be true:
- While our teens go through identity crisis, we may be going through midlife crisis.
- While they are asking “Who am I?,” we are asking “What have I accomplished in life?”
- While they experience puberty with raging hormones, we experience menopause with hormonal imbalance.
- While they are concerned about the latest hairstyle, we are concerned about our recent hair loss.
- While they come back with hair of different colours, ours only changes to one colour – white.
- While they worry about pimples, we worry about wrinkles.
- While they are discovering romance, the romance in our marriage may be disappearing.
- While they are falling in love with their BF/GF, we may be falling out of love with our spouse.
- While they are seeking to be attached, we may feel more and more detached from our spouse ....
It has been said that the best gift you can give your children is a good marriage. Very often, our children will choose their future spouses who are not unlike their parents. Our children observe how we interact with each other, how we resolve conflicts, how we respect the opposite sex, how we express love, and how we bring out the best (or the worst) in each other.
Our marriage is our children’s blueprint for their future intimate relationships. The scary thing is divorce breeds divorce.
Richard Marx, 49, the singer known for his hit Right Here Waiting, has been happily married to fellow American and actress Cynthia Rhodes, 55, for 23 years. They are parents to three boys. In a recent interview with Yahoo while on a trip to Singapore, he was asked how he managed to steer clear of scandals throughout his 30-year career.
Marx explained that his strong family and a small number of close friends were ultimately what helped him to stay grounded.
“I love what I do so much, but I love being with my family and I really enjoyed raising my kids. I do believe that no matter what pain you’re going through, if you have children, you have to put your pain to the side and you have to be responsible for your kids. You just have to find a way to make it work,” he said.
Inspiring words, indeed. In a fortnight, we will find out how to make “happily ever after” a mission possible. Stay tuned.
Charis Patrick is a trainer and family life educator who is married with four children.
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