WHAT will you do if your child comes home and tells you that he or she has been bullied? Most good, humble Asian parents’ first response would be:
“You must have started it, or else they wouldn’t be bullying you ...”
The second most popular reply would be: “Aiyah, don’t worry, just ignore them, you will be okay ….”
But, is it really okay? What if it’s not ? What are parents to do? According to American author and parenting educator Barbara Coloroso, there are usually three main players in any bullying incident – the bully, the bullied, and the bystander. Each of the “players” needs to be followed up separately after the incident.
Firstly, the bully must understand that bullying is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. To this end, it is important to impose immediate consequences that are appropriate for their offence and developmental level. It is also important for children who bully to take responsibility for their actions: To understand what they did, why their behaviour is wrong, how it affects their victims and others around them, and to “make amends”.
Help the bully apologise or make amends (for example, by making the bully do something nice for the victim).
What to tell the bully:
> Stop the bullying immediately.
> Bullying will not be tolerated.
> Bullying hurts your victim and you.
> Bullying sets a bad example for other children.
> Bullying may cause you to lose friends.
> Every child deserves to be treated with respect.
> There are other ways to solve conflicts.
Secondly, the bullied must know that adults care for and support them. Listen carefully to their description of what happened and offer sympathy and support. Help them develop strategies for addressing the problem.
Let them know they do not deserve to be bullied and they are not alone – adults and peers are available to help.
What to tell the bullied:
> You are not responsible for a bully’s behaviour. It’s not your fault.
> Don’t respond to bullies by giving in, getting upset or fighting back – this will only encourage them. Instead, stay calm and be assertive.
> Sometimes, the best response is no response – just walk away.
> Get help from a trusted adult or report to the school authorities. Adults can help you figure out new ways to react to it the next time a bully bothers you.
Thirdly, the bystanders must understand the effects of their actions – or non-actions.
Explain that they have the power to cool the situation down by asking the bully to stop, helping the victim walk away, getting support from other bystanders, asking an adult for help and/or reporting the bullying incident.
What to tell the bystander:
> Your involvement makes a difference. Don’t just stand by and watch quietly.
> Stand up for the person being bullied. If you feel safe, tell the bully to stop. Use phrases such as “Stop teasing!” “Don’t fight!” “Leave him alone!” and “It’s not funny!”
> Don’t join in. Don’t laugh at the victim or participate in the teasing, harassing, or fighting as this encourages the bully to continue and make the situation worse.
> Help the victim walk away. A victim may be too afraid to leave on his or her own, but will do so with the help of a friend.
> Encourage other bystanders to help the victim. Tell them not to join in the bullying.
> Get help from a trusted adult. Report the bullying.
> Afterwards, tell the victim you feel bad about what happened. Encourage victims to talk to an adult, and offer to go with them.
> Include the victim in activities. Be a good friend.
Prevention is always better than cure. To prevent bullying, we need to start when the children are young.
On the home front, when young children engage in aggressive behaviour or say unkind words, parents can stop these patterns before they are established by encouraging co-operative behaviours such as sharing, helping and problem-solving.
Take bullying seriously. Pay careful attention to the warning signs and to children most at risk.
Be a good role model ourselves and help our children critically evaluate media violence. Encourage empathy. When we put ourselves in other people’s shoes, we can understand that bullying hurts.
On the school front, creating a bully-free environment should be a priority. An anti-bullying initiative can be introduced where all the staff in the school are taught how to respond to bullying. When the staff are committed to a common response, it helps to create a “telling environment” where the students trust the adults with information about bad behaviour, knowing that telling will result in a fair resolution.
In addition, special pro-social skills devel opment programmes can, through role play, help the students know how to respond to bullying and to become an advocate rather than just a bystander.
With everybody doing their part, the schools will eventually be a safe place and a positive learning environment. Ultimately, stopping bullying is everyone’s responsibility!
Charis Patrick is a trainer and family life educator who is married with four children.
Limited time offer:
Just RM5 per month.
