Having faith in your children

A Capoeira performance. Tests exist to establish that we have learned all that we can from that level and are ready to move on.

I’m a worrier. I don’t know if that’s because of my star sign or the fact that I’m a mother. Or a combination of the above plus a little control freak-ness splashed on for good luck.

One quote in particular makes me chuckle no matter how many times I hear it on Capital FM, it goes something like this: “Worrying works, because most of the things I worry about never happen!”

It came as no surprise, then, when faced with a challenging weekend, that my worry hat was on in full, glorious “Technicolor.” Actually, in truth, it was a very exciting weekend where the Little Man was about to triumph under his own steam with absolutely no intervention or help on my part. In fact, the journey up to this moment was entirely his doing also.

LM was about to reach for his first belt in Capoeira, the Brazilian martial art form that incorporates dance and music. An amazing feat made even more so by the fact that this had absolutely nothing to do with me. My stress built up over the week leading up to the weekend, for many reasons. LM doesn’t

handle crowds well, he hates people watching him, loud noise bugs the hell out of him. His concern about not being good enough sent me into a chronic state of anxiety, for him.

I can totally relate to this. Feeling like you are being judged, knowing you have one chance to do it right, whether it’s a test at school, a race, an interview, first date …. I have been there many times before and reaped the awful consequences of when things don’t go as planned or desired.

My one solace was that Capoeira and this particular troupe are so completely devoted to their tribe and community. They would no more see a child fall through the cracks than not blame themselves for failing their charges in the first place. These are salt-of-the-earth good people. But how do you explain that to a nervous little titch about to take the first step in an arena on his own?

We almost didn’t make it. Nerves and fear of failure almost won. Until it suddenly dawned on me that any sort of test was not to prove how stupid or clever you were nor how adept or useless, either. Tests exist to establish that we have learned all that we can from that level and are ready to move on.

With this epiphany, I spent hours talking to LM about how I failed my driving test the first time around. How glad I am that I did, as I did not know everything I should have nor was I skilled enough to be safe on the road. He got this! Eureka!

So I shared more stories of how my past “seeming” failures were not that at all, but mere experiences to learn from as I prepared myself for the next stage, level, boyfriend! The onus being on you to do your best every time and that is what counts. Not the outcome. Ever. If you are detached from the outcome, you can focus on the “now” – the moment that defines the outcome.

I wish someone had told me this years ago!

We made it there. To the workshop with different Masters and Professors of Capoeira taking the lead with the groups of kids. We made it to the grading. The Hod (sic) or circle where the magic was to take place. A sea of parents and friends braced the kids in a circle of their own, with clapping and singing, and so much love and energy.

Standing a little further back from LM, I watched him sit, excruciatingly nervous, chewing his fingers and fighting whatever demons were plaguing him. I don’t blame him – waiting to perform is agony.

My very good friend, a fellow mum, said at one point: “You have to have faith in him, you have to believe he can do this.” I realised then that my past hellish experiences were not my son’s. This experience was his first and my worry for him was totally overshadowing my faith in him. I was all out of focus until she said that.

Taking a deep breath and stepping back, I focused on him, on the love that was so freely available in the community ring of Capoeirans. Everyone wanted him to do well, just like I had felt for every child that went before him.

The Little Man stepped into the circle and claimed it. All on his own. I don’t think I have ever witnessed a more beautiful moment as his eyes lit up with fire and pride and pure joy.

Worrying just enough is a good thing, to cover all the bases by providing space to “talk” about things. Then you need to change gears and shift the focus on faith and iron-clad belief that they can handle whatever comes. You see, part of that faith and belief is invested in yourself, for knowing how to handle any outcome after the moment defines it.

To Nicole, Marissa, Rafael and all in Bantus Capoeira for making me a better mum and understanding life a little better – obrigado.

Asha Gill put her globetrotting life on hold to focus on the little man in her life and gain a singular perspective on the world. You can tune in to Asha’s show Eat, Love, Play on Capital FM 88.9, Mondays to Fridays, 10am-1pm. She’s always looking for stories to tell and ideas to share, so send her an email at [e-mail].