When someone else says or does something that hurts you, what’s the best approach for your mental health? — CHRISTIN KLOSE/dpa
We've all been there: Someone says something that hurts our feelings.
Slights, real or imagined, aren’t insults though, let alone personal affronts. What is it that causes the hurt, and how can we cope with it?
Slights can be emotionally painful when they wound our sense of self-worth or another trait we value highly, says psychologist and psychotherapist Doris Wolf.
They can simultaneously trigger a number of upsetting feelings.
We then experience even neutral situations as negative and offensive because, for example, our expectations weren’t met or a sore spot of ours was touched. “It doesn’t matter that most perceived slights weren’t intended as such,” says Wolf.
Slights say something about both the slighter and the slighted, according to Stefanie Stahl, a psychologist, psychotherapist, author and podcaster.
“Getting to grips with them gives you inner strength,” she writes in her newsletter.
Stahl recommends a two-pronged approach to better understand them and right yourself innerly.
It starts with self-reflection about what emotionally wounded you and why. You should ask yourself these questions:
1. What exactly happened? Write down the situation, describing, as specifically as possible, what was said or done.
2. What did you feel? Was it sadness, anger, insecurity, embarrassment? What physical sensations did you have?
3. Was it a familiar feeling? Were there ever similar situations in the past, perhaps in your childhood or youth? Was there an earlier incident that felt similar?
4. Who was it that reacted to the perceived slight, the adult you or your “inner child”? Did your reaction spring from your current perspective, or was an old wound reopened? What would your inner child have needed in this situation?
5. What can help now? What can you do as an adult to calm down or restore your inner balance?
‘Shifting gears’
The second prong is self-healing, which involves “catching yourself” and shifting gears.
“Sometimes we sense it right away: There’s that old feeling again! We feel hurt, ignored, misunderstood – and overreact,” remarks Stahl, adding that it then pays to put on the brakes.
It’s a sign your “inner child” has been reawakened if, when you wonder whether you’ve really been insulted or the situation echoes something in your past, old reactions such as shame, anger and powerlessness arise, she says.
You should then consciously shift gears by telling yourself, “Stop! This is how I used to feel, but now I’m an adult.”
The next step is to find a sentence that provides support and makes you feel good. As examples, Stahl suggests, “It’s OK if I make mistakes – I’m still likeable,” or, “Not all criticism is an attack.” You should write this sentence down.
“If you’re confident that you’re likeable, you won’t take others’ words and actions personally. You won’t feel that they apply to you and therefore won’t be hurt by them,” Wolf says. “You’re vulnerable only if you think little of yourself.”
A solid sense of self-worth also makes it easier to forgive those who may have slighted you. – dpa
