When we perceive somone as dumping their emotional burden on us, we tend to suffer ourselves. — ZACHARIE SCHEURER/dpa
You may have been on the receiving end of “emotional dumping”.
It’s when someone, without being asked and regardless of whether you’re prepared to listen, unloads their problems on you. The conversation is typically one-sided and can be very draining on you.
Most emotional dumpers aren’t aware of this – it’s how they interact with everyone in their lives, says United States clinical psychologist and author Dr Nicole LePera, who has a popular Instagram account called The Holistic Psychologist in her newsletter.
What should you do when someone exhausts you with unsolicited lamentations that no feedback from you – assuming they’re open to any – can apparently mitigate? To keep yourself from becoming an emotional dumping ground, advises LePera, set boundaries that protect your well-being.
This mean learning to say “no”, according to psychotherapist and author Wolfgang Kruger. In a good friendship you can – and should – step back if your friend’s negativity becomes too much for you, he says. You should address this openly and explain yourself, giving them the opportunity to work on themself.
LePera suggests four approaches:
“I understand you’re hurt right now, and I want to be there for you. I’m just not in a space to be able to listen at the moment.”
“I’ve been there as much as I can for you and feel like this might be over my head. Can I help you find a therapist or support group that is better able to understand this?”
“I notice this situation keeps happening. Are you interested in finding solutions I can help you with?”
“Right now I have so much going on; I can’t be there in the way I want to. I need some space to recharge, and then we can talk.”
“You may feel guilty or uncomfortable saying these things, and that’s OK,” remarks LePera, adding that such feelings often arise from a deeply rooted desire to please others. However, no one will protect your emotional energy – you’ve got to do it yourself.
Only by taking care of your personal well-being, by teaching others how to treat you, can you be available and supportive in your relationships, she says.
Kruger concurs: “You’ve got to take yourself seriously, which depends on healthy self-confidence,” he says. “Otherwise you run the risk of drawing your self-respect from always helping others – and overtaxing yourself.”
He goes on: “You need to realise that friendships, and also romantic relationships, live from balance. So what could you hope to get from others if you’re prepared to help them?” – dpa
