Over the past few weeks, I’ve been taking part in existential therapy training and one of the ice-breaker questions was, “What does your name mean to you?”
Some people offered in-depth answers, some gave a basic response, while others admitted they had never thought about whether it meant something to them. The point of the question was to highlight the countless influences, conventions and labels that shape who we are – and yet, we can wander through life and hardly give these things a thought.
But at some point in our lives, most of us will ask the question, “Who am I?” or “What am I here for?” I recall attending a talk in which the speaker suggested rather than being nouns (fixed things), humans are verbs: we are continually changing and growing. I’m not sure if we can ever settle on a fixed sense of self sufficient enough to answer, “Who am I?” but I get the feeling what we’re really asking with this question is the much more immediate question, “Who am I at this point in my life?”
While it can be fun to explore this question, there can be a degree of frustration if we don’t know how to go about finding at least a partial or guiding answer. What can we focus on to begin to shape an idea of who we are?
One thing we can do is reflect on our experiences. Take some time to think about the different experiences we’ve had in life, both positive and negative. What did we learn from them? How did they shape who we are today? Journalling can be a helpful way to do this. Try writing down your thoughts and feelings about a particular experience, and then read over what you wrote to gain insights into your own thought processes over time.
We can also identify our values. What do you stand for? What principles guide your decisions and actions? Identifying your values can help you understand what’s most important to you and can give you a sense of purpose and direction in life.
A quick point on values: these should be values you choose for yourself rather than what you think is expected or desirable. Values can include being generous, loyal, playful, creative, bold, strong, artistic, and so on.
Who we are is also heavily influenced by the people in our lives. Think about the people you spend time with and how they influence you. What qualities do you look for in a friend or partner? What kind of friend or partner are you?
It’s also helpful to assess your strengths and weaknesses. What are you good at? What challenges you? Knowing your strengths and weaknesses can help you make better decisions about your life. An excellent resource to help you in this is authentichappiness.org, a University of Pennsylvania website that offers free, in-depth questionnaires you can use.
Finally, being open to new experiences and perspectives can help us develop a richer sense of self.
Who we are isn’t set in stone and being open to broadening our experiences and perspectives is a wonderful way to help us grow. Incidentally, it’s also beneficial for our overall health as we make new connections, learn new skills, and challenge our assumptions.
Examining the question, “Who am I?” is an ongoing process that involves various aspects of our lives. By examining our values, experiences, relationships, strengths and weaknesses, and passions, we can begin to have a deeper understanding of ourselves and what makes us unique.
It’s important to approach this exploration with an open mind and a willingness to learn, as our identities transform and adapt with time.
Some years ago, I received advice from a mentor who said, “You can either create the change you want in your life or be shaped by the change life brings to you”. Of course, some changes lie outside our control, but it’s interesting to reflect on how much we’re involved in shaping who we are.
In his seminal work, Man’s Search for Meaning (1946), psychiatrist Victor E. Frankl calls on readers to live life in a way that asks what kind of meaning we can put into our lives rather than waiting for meaning to be revealed. Throughout his work, Frankl emphasises the importance of being active in creating who we wish to be. It’s through this process that we can reach a greater self-awareness and a more profound sense of personal identity.
Sunny Side Up columnist Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, email lifestyle@thestar.com.my. The views expressed here are entirely the writer's own.
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