AN unconscious 36-year-old male was brought to the ER with cocaine-induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter, a neatly folded US$20 bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: “It was a 50, bitch!”
An elderly woman came into the ER complaining, “I got the green vines in my virginny.” A pelvic exam verified that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she “put a potato in there to hold it up” and then forgot about it.
The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2am with a complaint of belly button lint.
A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning, the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: “The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?”
Patient: “Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there.”
Doctor: “I see. Well, do you know who the father is?”
Patient: “No. Who?”
A 92-year-old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year-old daughter that her mother didn't make it. “Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!”
A 15-year-old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from “crank” (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, “I've been screwing the dog?”
A 19-year-old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. “Then I went to the bathroom and 'gagged' myself to vomit, but couldn't vomit it up either.”
Jokes courtesy of fuunymail.com .
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