Why bullied kids don’t tell their parents

Imagine that your 12-year-old son Marcus is being bullied. His classmates throw his homework in the river, they kick him in the schoolyard, steal his money, they call him “Loser.”

Statistics tell us that there is one chance in 10 that Marcus will tell you about it - and only one in 20 he would tell his teacher.

Why does a suffering child keep such a secret from loving parents? Let Marcus tell you why:

“The bullying would get worse! If my Dad spoke to the bullies or their parents, I would become a joke. The bullies would get meaner!”

Kids get bullied when they aren’t cool. And the least cool thing in the universe is to have your uncool parents interfering. So the bullied teen thinks, “If I am already being bullied for being uncool, what will the bullies do when they see how uncool my parents are!”

“My parents would be ashamed of me. I don’t want my parents to think I’m a loser and that everybody hates me. I don’t want them to think I can’t handle it. My mother already tells me how to live! If she knew about the bullying, they would be impossible!”

Bullied children believe they are partly to blame: “If I wasn’t such a nerd, people wouldn’t make fun of me.” “If I didn’t wear such stupid clothes, kids would leave me alone.” “If I wasn’t so ugly, skinny, fat, dumb, kids wouldn’t beat me up.”

Marcus also doesn’t want his parents to be ashamed (“My son is a dork!”).

“My parents would embarrass me. They might visit the principal. I would rather die than have my parents come and talk to the teachers. I would look so stupid - I would be the laughing stock of the whole school.”

A teenager’s main goal in life is to appear cool and in control - so the last thing he wants is parents interfering. Parents are embarrassing enough already!

“My parents would want to control me. They are always telling me what to do now. If they knew what trouble I am in, they would be telling me what to wear, criticising my friends, my clothes ….

“It’s not right to rat, snitch, tattle.” Children learn that it is not right to rat on a bully. Young ones of eight or 10 may still feel that it is okay to tell an adult - but by the time they are teenagers they are well and truly conditioned to suffer in silence. Boys especially learn that you have to shut up and take it like a man.

“It’s just a part of growing up. Many children - and adults - have come to believe that bullying is just a part of growing up and no one can help them. This is old-fashioned thinking.

These are six very good reasons for children to suffer in silence. And here is the problem: They only need one good reason.

Cyberbullying: Why victims don’t tell their parents

Fourteen-year-old Sarah is being cyberbullied. Sarah’s classmates have created a webpage featuring her photograph called “Ugly Sarah.” They send her anonymous email messages saying, “You’re a dog. Lose some weight!” They bombard her with text messages that read “Go kill yourself!”

Will Sarah tell her parents?

She probably won’t – for any one of the reasons why bullied kids don’t tell their parents. She may worry that:

“My parents would be ashamed of me.”
“My parents would embarrass me.”
“My parents would want to control me.”
“My parents will make it worse!”
“It’s not right to snitch.”
“It’s a part of growing up.”

But with cyberbullying, there are more reasons. Sarah may reason:

“My laptop is my life. If I told my mother about the bullying, she might confiscate it - together with my phone! I would be a total outcast!

“If kids are spreading nasty rumours about me, I need to know what they are. Better to be bullied and be in touch than to be bullied and not know what kids are saying about you.

“Being bullied is hell but being cut off would be worse. Email and texting is how I connect. I couldn’t live without Facebook.”

(If you are over 40, your computer is probably just a tool - maybe essential but still a tool. For Sarah, it is her life. You decorate your lounge room, she decorates her page on Facebook. You visit cyberspace. She lives there.)

“My parents would want to monitor everything. My parents would freak if they saw some of the chatrooms I visit and some of the email messages I write! Better to suffer the harassment than have my parents looking over my shoulder every minute.”

So here are eight very good reasons for Sarah to suffer in silence. Here are eight reasons why your child may suffer in silence.

And a child only needs one.

- Excerpt from the bestseller book by Andrew Matthews – Stop the Bullying!