The definition of a bad parent is very subjective. It could be someone who neglects, abandons or abuses his children. Or it could even be a parent who provides financially but isn't there emotionally or psychologically for the children.
If you are reading this article, chances are you think your spouse isn't committed enough to the children or isn't spending enough time with your kids.
Family life educator Charis Patrick says it does happen and it's not always the dad, too. Even mums are sometimes guilty of this.
She explains that sometimes it is because the parent feels they are not ready for a baby and would rather run away from the responsibility.
“If your marriage is at a stage where you can communicate then I would suggest you talk it out with your spouse.
“Tell him or her that this is your child and you can't cope by yourself and you both need to take care of the child together.
“If he or she still cannot be bothered then I think you have to carry out your parenting role the best that you can while continuously trying to bring your spouse in,” says Patrick.
Assign tasks
She advises the responsible parent to study the strengths of their spouse. If the hands-off parent is not good at changing diapers or managing the child's meals, then perhaps give him or her some other task such as taking care of the money.
This means that when the child starts going to school, the job of liaising with the school will fall on one parent and the job of giving out the pocket money will be the other parent's job.
“Don't suddenly give your spouse 10 tasks to do. He or she will be so overwhelmed. Perhaps you could start with three things to begin with that you know he or she will be quite willing to take up. Or ask him/her: 'I know you feel overwhelmed with childcare, what are the three things you would like to start with?'
“When your spouse feels it is possible maybe he or she will feel motivated to come in and join you in this parenting journey,” she adds.
If your children are already schoolgoing they will tell you if they think dad or mum isn't spending enough time with them.
However, for smaller children you would be planning their routine and it would be up to you to monitor if your spouse isn't spending enough time with them.
“A very common scenario is when you want to take the family out but your husband does nothing about it and seems disinterested. I would tell the woman to plan and propose the outing and get him to approve it. Just tell him the time and date, tell him when to take leave and then make it happen. And, really hope that he enjoys that time so that he will be motivated to do it again the next time,” says Patrick.
Alternatively, you could tell him to plan the next outing. That's another way to get him involved.
Don't overdo it
If your spouse is assigned to plan an outing and he fails to plan anything, don't drive yourself crazy trying to organise that outing for him.
Let the whole family go through the consequence of him failing to plan the outing.
“As much as you guide and support, sometimes you just have to let the family enjoy the natural consequences so that he will sense the disappointment of the children and he will be motivated the next time to do better and not disappoint the whole family,” says Patrick.
She warns parents, especially women, not to overdo it when it comes to planning routines and outings for the family. There is the risk that you are so good at planning that your spouse acknowledges it and insists you keep doing it.
She explains that typically women tend to do too much in some families. What happens then is that the wife/mother is so efficient that she does all the tasks herself, not leaving space for her husband to play his role as the father.
“You have to see the dynamics. If you step back will your spouse step in to do more? And if your spouse is really quite bad at parenting, then you may have to maintain a lot of the responsibility for a while for the sake of the children. Meanwhile continue that negotiation with your spouse. You won't know how he will respond until you try so maybe you should learn how to take a step back. It's quite difficult for some women who have an overperforming role.”
Golf and holiday dads
How about the once-a-year-holiday dads or the golf dads?
Patrick reminds parents that relationships are not built on once-a-year vacations. Building a relationship is a daily affair. The same goes for golf dads who work hard and then play golf on the weekends, leaving the wife to handle the family.
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