Allowing a child to get up by himself after a fall goes a long way in building resilience. — Photos: 123rf.com
ANECDOTAL examples are everywhere: From the parent who accompanies his or her child to a job interview to the one who calls in sick on behalf of his or her working child, some parents go to great lengths to help their grown-up offspring.
They will call, write, even explain to university lecturers or employers why their child is unable to attend classes or complete certain tasks.
The children of Gen X parents (aged between 44 and 59) have grown up and some are finding it hard to adjust to the responsibilities and independence that come with adulthood. Naturally, their helicopter parents are more than happy to swoop in and come to their rescue.
Clinical psychologist Arman Imran Ashok says these parents – which psychology terms as permissive – don’t set out to intentionally clip their children’s wings.
“Rather, they were brought up by baby boomers, who were probably tough on them as children. So when they themselves become parents, they tend to be very protective of their kids because they don’t want their children to ‘go through the same hardship’,” he says.
What these parents fail to see is that mollycoddling children by preventing them from experiencing their own failures is not doing the younger generation any good.
In the last decade or so, the term “adulting” was repeatedly used by young people to describe the hardships of mundane, everyday tasks – including paying rent, utility bills, taxes and managing time and money – that automatically come with getting a job and being an adult.
The widespread adoption of the word signals that young adults are unprepared to be physically and financially independent to navigate life as working adults.
Permissive parents, Arman says, only want to ensure their children’s success.
“On top of that, they feel that it is their responsibility to shield their children from any disappointment or challenges,” he says.
Arman says it is important for parents to foster resilience. — ARMAN IMRAN ASHOK
Reframing failure
A university lecturer, who wishes to remain anonymous, recalls a time when a parent called up the faculty dean to request that the lecturer not bar his daughter from the final exam.
“She didn’t meet the attendance requirement to sit for the exam and didn’t have a valid excuse for missing so many classes, so naturally she was barred. I think the action of intervening university rules was both disrespectful of the institution and permissive on the student. If she is prevented from facing the consequences of her actions, how can she improve?”
Sadly, the lecturer says the case is not isolated and other colleagues have faced similar problems with different parents.
Arman says there’s a need to reframe how parents view failure if they want to raise resilient, responsible adults. Instead of looking at it as a stumbling block, parents need to view failures as catalysts for their child’s success.
“From when a baby crawls until he can walk, he would have fallen countless times, after which he gets up and tries to walk again. If the baby doesn’t know that falling means getting up afterwards, how can he run later? The same philosophy should apply to children when they are older. They need to learn how to fail so they can improve and be better,” he says.
Arman tells his childhood story of when he was the head prefect in primary school and had mistakenly rang the end-of-recess bell 15 minutes earlier. “When you are a child, that fear over the mistake you make is palpable. But I remember my parents telling me after school that I had made a mistake so I had to face the consequences,” he says.
He apologised to his teacher the next day, who told him that it was a mistake and everything was okay.
He says that to some parents, protecting their children from hardship is also their way of expressing love.
“One psychological theory is parents project what they want on their children. It could be something they didn’t get as a child or didn’t receive from their spouse. There are many dimensions to permissive parenting and it’s not easy to pinpoint one reason why these parents act this way,” he says.
If parents what to change, Arman says, they need to slowly learn to let go, beginning from when the child is in secondary school. But they should not get overwhelmed if the child fails at something.
“Give teenagers the space to try, fail and to try again. Parents cannot shield their children from failures forever. The earlier they know how to bounce back up after a disappointment, the better they are framed to face future challenges,” he says.
'Adulting' is easier if the young adult has been trained to be independent since he was a child.
Fostering independence
Arman, who is also a psychology lecturer, says fostering independence has to start early in life and parents need to give more autonomy and empower their children to make decisions.
“Parents need to be authoritative and set clear boundaries,” he says.
There are four types of parenting often employed in psychology – the other three being authoritative, authoritarian and neglectful – and while everyone moves from one type to another according to time and circumstances, parents need to know where they are most of the time, so they can adjust their behaviour and expectations of their children.
It’s important for parents, Arman says, to not focus solely on academics, but to teach children life skills, including money management skills and responsibilities.
“Having a pet, for example, is a good way to teach kids to be responsible for another living being. They would need to feed, clean up and play with their pet and these actions help children build life skills,” he says.
“Small, little things are important so parents should take everything as an avenue to teach.”
Encouraging decision-making also fosters independence.
“Let your kids choose; from the clothes they want to wear to the subjects they want to learn. When children make decisions, they are more likely to stick to them,” he adds.
It’s also important that parents set clear boundaries with their children, and spell out what is expected from them at a certain phase. Arman says, however, such conversations need to be gradual so the kids or teenagers are aware of what is expected and can plan their actions accordingly.
“If you expect your working child to contribute to household expenditure, you need to clearly say so. If you expect them to move out from the family home so they learn to manage their life, you need to say that too.”
But for this to work seamlessly, autonomy needs to be encouraged in an age-appropriate way, since the young adult was a child.
“You can start by giving weekly pocket money for school and ask the child to manage it, instead of giving it daily. As they enter university, give them more to decide on but at the same time, explain your boundaries and explain why,” he adds.
Not leaving the nest
Arman says while most young, urban adults still live with parents (especially if they are still single), that living arrangement alone is not an indicator whether one is independent or not.
“Maybe they stay with their parents to save money on rental, so that they can contribute to the family, given that real estate prices are very high in the city,” he says.
“I think other factors need to be taken into consideration, including their contribution to household groceries, bills and other expenditures. Do they help their parents in the running of the house, like finding a plumber or electrician when repair works are needed? If they do, these are signs that they are independent, despite not leaving the family home,” he says.
“I personally have friends who live with their parents, but shoulder at least 25% to 50% of the household expenses since they are already saving on rental,” he says.
“At the end of the day, it is not where you live that matters, but whether you are an independent adult who contributes to the family unit,” he concludes.
