WHY did you leave your bowl in the SINK again and not put it in the dishwasher? And HOW HARD IS IT to put your socks in the laundry basket?? Opinions on how to keep a home tidy rarely overlap completely. Nonviolent communication is key. – Photo: Christin Klose/dpa
Dirty socks strewn on the floor. Unwashed dishes in the kitchen sink. Clutter here, disarray there. Yikes!
People who are neat and clean can't stand a messy household. But what if their partner, flatmates or kids are master mess makers? Is lasting peaceful cohabitation possible? Can they compromise and meet somewhere in the middle of the tidiness scale between shipshape and shambles, preferably much closer to the former?
Two women who have made tidiness their profession recommend the following steps toward a neater, cleaner modus vivendi:
The entire family, the couple or all the flatmates gather round a table and "discuss what tidiness means to them, how they'd like things to be and what they're willing to do to achieve it," advises tidiness coach Rita Schilke. They should focus on shared areas such as the corridor, kitchen, bathroom and living room.
Self-professed order expert Lotte Lehmann, a consultant in household tidiness based in Germany, also recommends speaking openly about these household issues. "Positive communication about the matter is important," she says, because people often expect things that they don't verbalize, which leads to frustration.
As a guideline for the discussion, Schilke favours the process of "nonviolent communication" developed by the late American clinical psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg. It holds that by making non-judgmental observations, identifying your feelings and needs and then addressing them, you can make requests of others that don't offend them.
For example: "I've noticed that after dinner you don't load the dishes into the dishwasher right away." Or: "It's important to me that the kitchen is clean when I want to prepare a meal. Could you please clear it up next time?"
Parent: Can you please tidy up this mess? Child: What mess? – Photo: Mascha Brichta/dpa - ACHTUNG: Nur zur redaktionellen Verwendung im Zusammenhang mit dem genannten Text
The participants of the discussion agree on a plan. "It lists the household chores to be done, and who handles what," Schilke says. If all household members have an input, it will be easier for them to accept changes and designated areas of responsibility.
And their preferences should be taken into account, for instance that "someone would rather take on the dirty laundry than other chores," Lehmann says.
Even if all household members acknowledge that tidiness is desirable, "perfection isn't achievable," notes Lehmann. "If you see that the others don't want things as you do, you should lead by example."
She recommends tidying up a corner of the home and pointing out how nice it now looks. This makes the difference between order and chaos visible, she says, and could serve as an incentive for the laggards.
"We can never change another person by pressuring them though," remarks Schilke, who says people only change when they want to. So the goal should be to settle on a regime that suits the other household members.
It helps if the champions of tidiness have their own realm. The same goes for the tidiness challenged. "If there are clearly bounded domains, everyone can do as they please in theirs," Schilke says.
Who's on kitchen duty today? Families and shared flats can often benefit from a roster of chores (as horrifying as it sounds). – Photo: Jens Kalaene/dpa
Many people aren't averse to tidying up, but don't know where to begin. "First you should set a clear goal: How do you want things to look after the tidy-up? What do you want to achieve?" Schilke says.
Then you need a plan, which usually starts with winnowing and discarding things to free up space in cabinets and on shelves. "For the things you want to keep, you've got to find a permanent place," she says. In this way you establish basic order over what belongs where.
If there are a lot of things you have to store away, it would be wise to have a simple storage system with boxes and shelves. Lehmann recommends marking them in the beginning - and this doesn't apply only to families with children - with "labels and/or photos of the items that belong there."
It's a good idea to have a fixed schedule for tidy-ups. "Tidying up for half an hour after breakfast, for example, helps to reestablish basic order," Schilke says.
Lehmann suggests that household members agree to put objects that tend to float about in shared areas in a box - out of sight, in other words, so that they're not a source of irritation for anyone. If everyone collects their things once a day or puts them away into the box, clutter is kept to a minimum, she says.
Routines like these are particularly important for families. "They simplify everyday life because you no longer have to decide who's supposed to do what, when," Lehmann says. She recommends scheduling a fixed tidy-up routine before supper, for example by making a game of it: The parents make a bet with their children that they can't tidy up in five minutes.
If the kids are still unable - or unwilling - to tidy up by themselves, parents should help them, advises Schilke. Tidying up together teaches the little ones that "it hardly takes any time at all to put stuffed toys and building bricks back in their place." – By Evelyn Steinbach/dpa
