Many singles find that there are advantages of not being in an intimate relationship. Photo: Pixabay
Art director Neville A. cuts a tall, lean – one might even say attractive – figure at 1.83cm, so you might be taken aback when the 46-year-old reveals that he’s not only single, but a “confirmed bachelor”.
“People have often asked me: ‘You’re very good-looking so why are you still single?’,” he reveals.
“My parents have ‘given up on me’, and my ‘kay poh chee’ (nosy in Cantonese) relatives will usually be extremely interested in the state of my love life,” he says and laughs.
Neville adds that some have even questioned his sexual orientation, but he says that he is heterosexual and “very much so”.
“I’ve also had well-meaning friends attempt to match-make me with ‘suitable candidates’, which never ever works out,” he says.
“It’s not that I didn’t want to get married. I’ve considered it years ago. And I even had a girlfriend when I was in my late 20s,” he says.
He reveals that the relationship lasted for seven years but ended when she went overseas to work and subsequently married someone else.
“Somehow, I could never find anyone else that measured up to her,” he says.
Neville says that even though he did try to go out with other girls, there wasn’t anyone that “clicked” with him. At that point of time, he was already in his mid-30s and very focused on his career. Seeking a life partner was not utmost in his mind.
“I buried myself deeply in my job and my social life revolved around work: usually clubbing and playing badminton with my workmates, suppliers and clients. Most of my peers were married and some already had young kids,” he says.
A fulfilling life alone
Singles shouldn’t succumb to pressure and jump into a relationship just because all their friends are in relationships. Photo: Pixabay
Neville, who says he’s the “creative type”, enjoys experimenting with new recipes, cooking at home and inviting friends over for meals, and pottering around at home. He’s also into interior decoration, and spends time doing up his home.
“I delved more into refurbishing my home during the pandemic,” he says, adding that he also cleans his own home daily even though he has a part-time maid who comes once a week to do the overall cleaning.
“In a lot of ways, I’m a perfectionist so I think it might be difficult for someone to live with me,” he says and laughs.
When asked if he’s ever lonely, he says: “I’m always busy. I believe being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. You can still feel fulfilled and content.
“The opposite is true too. You might still feel lonely even if you have someone,” he says.
“I think the only time when I did feel it was at the start of the pandemic because we were all stuck at home and couldn’t see our friends,” he adds.
Neville reveals that being a “confirmed bachelor” wasn’t a decision that he had made overnight. But as time went by, he found that he enjoyed the solitude, freedom and independence that came with it.
Because of his work in the advertising line, Neville says that “his time was not his own” and it would have been difficult for him to maintain a healthy relationship, especially in the early years.
“I often worked round the clock. Whenever there was a big project, I would spend days (and nights) at the office and only returned home after everything was completed. If I had a wife and kids, it might have been difficult for them to accept this,” he says.
Staying single
Our society needs to reevaluate how they perceive someone who isn’t married and not just try to fix this guy or that girl up and get them married off quickly. Photo: Pixabay
Counselling psychologist and MY Confidential Association of Private Counsellors founder Johana Johari says that there’s nothing wrong with someone choosing not to get married or have a life partner – it’s a personal choice.
“Firstly, you can have a life partner without marrying in this day and age. With marriage comes rights and responsibilities, and they might not want those complications. So, if it’s accepted by their culture, they might opt for this path,” says Johana.
“Secondly, singles shouldn’t succumb to pressure and jump into a relationship just because all their friends are in relationships.
“Before getting into a relationship, one needs to know themselves and what they need in their life. Should they decide to have a relationship, they then need to know what kind of person they want and need,” she says.
“People’s tastes also change as they get older. Their worldview becomes wider because they’ve been exposed to more things in life so what they want when they’re young might be different from when they get older,” she adds.
According to Johana, certain cultural beliefs about a man and woman’s roles in marriage might also not resonate with everyone, and this hinders them from getting into a relationship.
“In some typical Asian families, parents might insist that their children, especially girls, get married and have children by a certain age. But not every girl wants this because she might prefer to focus on her education or career before settling down,” says Johana.
“This is why there are still singles in their 40s out there who aren’t bothered to get married or get into an intimate relationship because they’re able to fulfill the needs they have within themselves. They don’t need another person to do that for them and they’re not lonely,” she explains.
“But there are others who might have decided not to be in a relationship because of something that happened to them when they were younger which scarred them to the point that they don’t want to be in a relationship again,” she adds.
Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. You can still feel fulfilled and content. Photo: Pixabay
Johana says that whichever path a person has chosen, others should respect their choice and not judge them for it.
“It’s a very Asian way of thinking. Our society needs to reevaluate how they perceive someone who isn’t married and not just try to fix this guy or that girl up and get them married off quickly,” she says.
“Not everyone wants it, so you’ve to ask first before causing an awkward situation or disaster,” she says.
On handling awkward questions such as “why aren’t you married yet?” or “when are you going to get married?”, Johana recommends setting healthy personal boundaries.
“Even though you may love your family – parents, relatives, etc - but there are questions that you might not want to answer and don’t have to answer because it’s an invasion of your privacy, and it’s none of anybody else’s business,” she says.
“So it’s better to be polite but direct, and tell them you don’t want to discuss it.”
Only the lonely
While Neville doesn’t feel lonely because he’s found other ways to fulfill his needs, it’s not uncommon for singles to feel lonely at times.
“How do they handle this? It depends what kind of loneliness,” says Johana. “If it’s a physical loneliness, they can socialise with their friends, go out and have fun because they have more freedom than those who are married/settled down with children,” she says.
“But if it’s psychological or emotional loneliness, they need to do some introspection, like ask themselves why they’ve chosen to be single. There is nothing wrong with talking with a relationship counsellor to find out how they got there and what they can do about it,” she says.
But it’s not all bad. There are advantages to being single and not in an intimate relationship.
One thing Neville cherishes about being single is he’s able to go on long trips without having to answer to anyone.
“It’s my goal to visit all the continents in the world,” he says. Neville has been to many parts of Asia, Europe, North America and Oceania.
“Singles have the freedom to do all the things they want to in their life, and nobody will get in their way. For example, some singles choose to travel the world, or engage in their favourite hobbies and pastimes, while others who love their independence are ‘married’ to their career,” says Johana.
She says the main challenge for singles as they get older is to consider who will take care of them when they’re not well since they don’t have a spouse or children.
“Even healthy people will get old, so it’s realistic and practical that one needs to consider such matters and make provisions,” she concludes.
