Dear Thelma: He lies, he cheats, and he expects me to just take it

  • Family
  • Sunday, 13 Oct 2019

Dear Thelma,

My partner and I have been living together for four years now. There is a woman whom he has been chatting with in Messenger for seven months now. The woman is working in another country.

I asked my partner if he loves the woman. He said he doesn’t love her, and how could he love her when he has never met her face to face.

When I asked him if he still loves me, he said,”Of course, I still love you.” He also said that he will never leave me, and that I don’t have to be jealous because the other woman is in another country. But she will be back next year.

I don’t know what to do now. When I read some of his chats with her, he had told her that he loves her.

But when I confronted him, he said that he didn’t love her but he had to be nice to her for now because he owed her money. She would ask him to return the money right away if he wasn’t nice to her. He said that he had started repaying the loan in installments.

But my worry is that he always chats with her every morning, even throughout the day sometimes, and before going to bed. That’s why I think he loves her as well.

The other woman knows that we are living together. She is asking my partner to leave me but my partner has said that he will never leave me. He is also jealous of my male friends whom I chat with sometimes.

Do you think he really loves her? I told him he should break up with me now rather than tell me that he is choosing the other woman over me when she returns next year.


Dear Reedly,

Everyone should have friends because it’s great to have support. With friends, sex and gender don’t matter. So a man can have a bestie who’s female, and a woman can have a bestie who’s male. That’s not what’s going on here.

Friendship and love are two very different things. When you are in a committed relationship, love is reserved for your partner. There’s no messing about. Your partner is telling another person that he loves her. Distance has nothing to do with it. If he tells someone else he loves her, that’s cheating.

If this were a purely emotional affair, I would suggest that you deal with it accordingly. However, this man told you that he’s telling a woman he loves her because he’s after her money.

Frankly, I’m astonished he had the gall to say that. I’m also curious why you didn’t pick up on it. Don’t you see how wrong that is? So, my advice is to chuck him out. Do it now. No hesitation.

When you’ve shut the door on him, I urge you to work on yourself because I’m worried you’re heading for trouble.

Please consider that if you live with cheats and liars, several things happen. First, you could get into all kinds of legal trouble, just from being associated with them. Also, people who are dishonest with others, will be dishonest with you.

I think you should aim for a life and relationship reset. A total makeover for yourself. Because the way you are now is simply not going to make you happy.

Think about what you want from your life. Then find a partner who loves you and only you. They should be proud to be with you, excited to be with you. Also, they should be honest and not cheat, steal or lie.

Read books, go for workshops on empathy, self-esteem, respect, and think things through before you commit again.

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help.  Email or write to Dear Thelma, c/o StarLifestyle, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor. You must include your full name, complete address and a preferred pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views. 

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