Dear Thelma: 'Lost Girl' falls for a 'walking time bomb'

  • Family
  • Sunday, 22 Sep 2019

Dear Thelma,

I got to know this guy online five years ago. We messaged each other on and off. At the time I was in love with another guy, so I just treated him as a friend. We finally met each other after a year of keeping in touch through text messaging on and off. He helped me in my work-related matters on and off, but I was kind of cold towards him because I didn’t know him well, and I was in a relationship then. Plus he is totally not my type of guy. Yet colleagues teased me about him, saying that he is nice and helpful and he probably likes me, but I told them off. In addition, he told me he has a sickness; he is like a walking time bomb.

During our second year of friendship, when I was at my lowest point, to my surprise he was the first one to call and comfort me. He encouraged and motivated me. Since then, we have been messaging each other daily; the people who are close to me may misunderstand. At the same time, he decided to go overseas to work. We still kept in touch through text messaging, and he always sent me beautiful pics, and we shared our life stories. We became closer.

By our third year of friendship, I decided to visit him at his workplace overseas because I realised I had fallen for him. I wanted to see whether this feeling is real. When I was there, I realised his simplicity made me fall for him even more. I am happier, secure and carefree when I am with him. I love his simple way of living. I didn’t think I would ever fall for such a guy; I used to tell people I don’t like how simple he is. He is really different from my ex.

He once told me he is the type of guy who never trusts long-distance relationship as it would be very difficult to maintain.During my impromptu visit, I got to know him even better, and we did get physically intimate (touching and hugging). When my trip ended a week later, I texted him and confessed my feelings to him. His answer was: “We enjoy what we have right now. Let’s go with the flow and know each other better”.

I don’t get it – how to go with the flow? This was my first time confessing to a guy and indeed it took a lot of courage. At that moment, it seemed like he was rejecting me in a nice way, or looking at it from another angle, it seems I have a 50% chance.

Last year, he trusted me to take care of his beloved car when he was away. I could use his car a.k.a. “his wife” whenever I wanted. My family members thought he was my boyfriend as he comes to my house when he is back from overseas, which is once or twice a year. He buys stuff for my family as well, and my mum really likes him.

This is the fifth year of our friendship. He still works overseas. And we continue to text each other frequently. However, our relationship doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Yet I can’t make myself forget him.

It’s painful when I like someone yet I can’t be with him. I believe he doesn’t wish to have commitments due to his sickness but I no longer care about his sickness. All I want is to be with him and spend whatever time we have to live happily (I didn’t tell him this before).Recently, I have been busy as I am furthering my studies. We no longer keep in touch as frequently as before.

Perhaps it’s a good chance for me to forget him, but each time I see his car and stuff in my house, it reminds me of him. I can’t forget him. Yet he was kinda cold recently by not replying my messages. I don’t know what to do. My feelings for him are still strong but I don’t know what should I do. The feeling makes me suffer too.

Lost Girl

Dear Lost Girl,

You said at the start he’s not your type of man and he told you he is not suitable relationship material as he is a “walking time bomb”. You don’t go into detail, but it sounds as if he has a life-threatening physical illness. Despite this, you visited him abroad and you enjoyed a holiday romance. Afterwards, you wanted to explore a relationship. That’s OK. There’s no harm in changing your mind.

However, he said explicitly he doesn’t want a long-distance relationship and when you suggested getting closer, he blew you off. Now he’s avoiding you completely. My dear, he’s not interested. He has said so, and you have to woman up and accept this. To keep hoping he will change his mind is unrealistic and will only cause you further pain. And if you are messaging him and pressuring him, that is stalking.

Do remember that you are responsible for your emotions. If you are in love, and they are not, that is for you to deal with, not them. I think you are quite young from your letter, so here’s some basic advice: All relationships are founded on honesty and mutual respect. Love is based on that plus shared goals and compatibility.

Therefore, always be open and upfront about what you want from a relationship and what your feelings are. Then, when the other person tells you what they want and feel, listen. Don’t project your hopes on them and try and twist what they say to suit your own agenda.

Having said that, not everyone is a good communicator. Therefore, also pay attention to actions. Again, don’t try and twist things around to fit your own wishes and fantasies. Be practical! Someone who wants to be with you, will make an effort to be with you. Someone who loves you, will be kind to you and talk you up to your face and to others.

So, send this man a message to say you respect his decision and that you will be moving on. As for his stuff, hand it back to his family or a representative he chooses. Then go out and find someone you can love and who will love you back and want to share the rest of their life with you.

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help.  Email or write to Dear Thelma, c/o StarLifestyle, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor. PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR FULL NAME AND ADDRESS, AND A PSEUDONYM. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views. 

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