Dear Thelma: We're getting married but he doesn't love me or accept me as I am


  • Family
  • Sunday, 08 Sep 2019

Dear Thelma,

I received a proposal for marriage last December, and we are getting married soon. He works overseas. We have been communicating over the handphone. Only once in a while, when he comes back to KL, do we go out on dates. Sometimes he shows me that he loves me; other times, he argues with me for no reason. He asked me to change my hairstyle and dressing, and I did.

He doesn’t want me to wear a wedding gown on our wedding day, although it is my dream to wear one; instead, he asked me to wear traditional attire. Whatever he asks me to do, I do it. But I feel like he doesn’t respect me at all.

Whenever I speak to him lovingly, he doesn’t respond with love. Sometimes he abruptly cuts off our phone conversation. 

I feel hurt. Ever since we entered into a relationship, I have been crying every day. He is often rude to me, and doesn’t respond to my love although sometimes he shows his love in a different way. I’m stressed out with all this.

Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

My dear girl, if you are in tears because he’s rough, doesn’t listen to you and hurts your feelings now, what on earth do you think will happen when you marry? He’s not going to change, so you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of the same treatment.

I’m trying to understand what you see in this man. So far you’ve told me that he doesn’t like the way you look and dress, he wants the wedding to be all his own way, and he doesn’t think it’s worth listening to you.

Seriously, why are you putting up with this nonsense?

You appear to simply accept whatever he dishes out. It worries me very much as it suggests you don’t value yourself very highly. You are a human being, and you are worthy of respect.

Also, you’ve been crying every single day since you began this relationship. Didn’t that clue you in that there is something very seriously wrong?

Healthy relationships are joyful partnerships. You should have characters that are well-matched and shared life goals. It should ask you big questions like whether you want kids and who will do what part of the housework.

You should figure out what you want from your life and what kind of man you want to share it with. Also, spend some months working on your self-esteem.

You are not a witless creature, and blindly obeying others can be extremely dangerous.

As an adult, you are responsible for yourself. That means formulating your own morals, ethics, manners and goals. Yes, take advice from others. Yes, see how others navigate their lives. But in the end, the only person who should be controlling what you do is you.

So please, go and have a good think about yourself and your future. And when you know what you want, be with a person who loves you, values you, and who likes you as you are.


Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help.  Email lifestyle@thestar.com.my or write to Dear Thelma, c/o StarLifestyle, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor. PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR FULL NAME AND ADDRESS, AND A PSEUDONYM. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views. 


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