Dear Thelma: Girls keep rejecting me ... what am I doing wrong?


  • Family
  • Sunday, 11 Aug 2019

I am a 33-year-old guy who has a stable career and income. But I feel that life is hopeless, empty and meaningless, as I have failed to get a steady girlfriend since young.

Even if I go out with the girls I like, it is just for a short time; and later on they would reject me. I am alone most of the time and do things all by myself. The friends that I have are just casual friends or people I have short conversations with.I met K a few years ago but we do not have any proper communication, just casual conversations. I have strong feelings of love and liking for her. I plan to woo her one day.

We’ve gone out on three dates to get to know each other better. I love her so much, and treat her as someone really special. I took her out for lunch, poured out my love and concern for her, and even sent her flowers at her workplace. However, she gradually began to reject my offer of going out, and later completely ignored me.

I kept on asking her why but there has been no answer from her. Lately, I found out from her colleague that, during the time when she ignored me, she just had a new boyfriend from KL.

I feel that my life is always empty and lonely.

Am I meant to be single for life?

Juini

I get that you’re lonely but I think you should consider a date from a girl’s perspective.

Miss X agrees to go out for coffee or lunch with Mr Y. She’s thinking she likes him and wouldn’t mind getting to know him a little better. Maybe her interest is a little deeper and she wonders idly if this may lead to a couple of fun dates.

Right off the bat, Mr Y overwhelms her with protestations of undying love. It’s followed by public announcements of intent (the flowers) and unending texts demanding responses.

My dear, that woman is going to run like hell. All that emotion you’re throwing at her is inappropriate. In fact, it’s frightening.

Women are aware that some men act as predators. These criminals stalk their prey, won’t leave them alone – and make them so anxious that their health suffers.

I understand that you don’t mean to act in a scary way. However, you must appreciate that you may come across as dangerous. Ironically, your desperate need to connect is keeping you lonely.

This is how to fix it.

Understand that we all need meaningful connections. So, what you feel is perfectly natural.

Appreciate that a healthy relationship comprises two adults who choose to make a life journey together because they are a good match in terms of life values and goals as well as character and temperament.

Apply this to understand the function of dating: It’s a series of meetings to see whether you are a match.

If you were 16, I’d suggest you go out and see what’s out there. As you’re 33, you may feel that time’s running out.

Do understand that the fear isn’t based on reality. There are lots of singles in their 30s – plus tonnes of people coming out of unsuccessful first marriages. And on that note, if you rush into a relationship, you may find yourself trapped in a very bad one. So, don’t be in a hurry.

I suggest you mix with several girls you think share at least some of your values and life goals.

On the first three or four dates, just focus on having a nice time. It need not be lunches and dinners; join a club, go for walks, have a coffee and chat. It’s about communication, not spending money or impressing people.

Important: Do be sure to mention that you are not dating exclusively so that they know exactly where you’re coming from.

If you don’t get a good vibe after a few dates, it’s a sign it’s not meant to be. That’s brilliant because dating is about sorting out what works and what won’t.

If it’s all good, let the connection deepen naturally. When you get to the stage where you can see the two of you as a couple, ask her if she wants to date exclusively. But don’t flood her, okay? Accept refusals with grace.

There will be times when you or she decide you like each other but not in a romantic way. That’s great! Be honest and see if you can be friends. Surrounding yourself friends will enrich your life.

Good luck and do write again to share how it’s going.

S, that hopeless feeling you describe: If it’s only linked to your love life, then follow the plan. But if you are generally hopeless and sad, and it lasts for more than two weeks, do get yourself evaluated for depression.

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help.  Email star2.thelma@thestar.com.my or write to Dear Thelma, c/o StarLifestyle, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor. Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.


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