Dear Thelma: I'm cheating on my loving husband with a married man


  • Family
  • Sunday, 16 Jun 2019

I have been married for eight years and blessed with two beautiful kids. I met my husband at our workplace. He was so madly in love with me, continuously wooing me even though I was not really interested in marriage at that point of time as I was concentrating on my career.

However, he eventually managed to capture my heart and we got married within a year. Life was normal, but nothing to shout about as we both were busy with our jobs and our lives.

It was a normal, happy family life. But soon, my romantic boyfriend turned into a boring husband.

Then, I joined a new organisation, where I met KP, who is also married. He is someone very humble, charming and a very helpful guy.

We instantly clicked and became good friends. We share our happiness, our problems, sorrow and even food. It was a very beautiful friendship and I felt totally comfortable being with him.

Then, one incident changed our fate forever. My mother suddenly passed away in a freak accident and it was a huge loss to our family.

During the funeral, KP came and gave me some moral support. I became closer to him after my mum’s death and one day, we both ended up kissing.

I realised that I was very much attracted to him, to his character, the way he treats me, as I don’t experience all that with my husband.

However, my husband then began to change. From being a normal husband, he became extremely loving, caring and comforting. He said that he wanted to be supportive of me after the demise of my mother. He became the perfect guy and changed a lot for my sake.

But I am very much in love with KP and we both are intimately involved as well. We have been together, secretly, for two years now.

Thelma, the thing is, I can’t have the best of both worlds. My husband is a changed man, very loving towards me. On the other hand, KP is very much involved with me. I have initiated break-ups many times but miserably, we have gotten back together as he just doesn’t want to let me go.

My heart is longing for KP all the time and I strongly believe he is my soulmate. I have emotional and physical attachment with this guy but I can’t divorce my husband because my kids are very much attached to him and they still need him.

Please advise me on what I am supposed to do. I’m totally lost.

Confused

If you’d told me you kissed a man or had a fling while in shock from your mum dying suddenly, I’d counsel you to break it off, forgive yourself and move on. People do some very strange things when faced with a loved one’s death.

However, that’s not what happened, is it? You married a nice man, had a family and became bored. Rather than address it properly or even walk away, you chose to cheat. That was a very poor decision and it may have very bad consequences.

You have had a two-year affair and if you are found out, it will hurt your husband and seriously upset the lives of your kids. As your lover is married, it will hurt whoever he has in his life too.

I strongly suggest you end the affair now. Then consider what you really want from your life. If you decide you can be happy with your husband, give your full attention to the marriage. Play your part honestly and with good faith and intentions.

And stop thinking of yourself as a character in a romance novel! You are not a fairytale princess who has to be wooed by Prince Charming and entertained by a court of admirers.

You’re an adult woman whose choices and behaviour have direct impact on the people around you. Learn to consider the feelings of others. Work on your emotional intelligence.

If you are genuinely unhappy with your husband, leave. Do not hang about for years to make up your mind either. You have already cheated; do not make it worse by using him for your own selfish gains.

When figuring out the settlement, do the honourable thing and put the feelings and future of your children first, and your husband second. I say this because you describe a good man who has worked hard to make the marriage work. If there’s a divorce, they and he deserve to get every break.

One warning: If you think that you should divorce because your lover will be a better partner, be very careful. Cheats typically justify their behaviour by saying they’re misunderstood, unhappy, etc.

But when push comes to shove, they have no intention of leaving their wife and kids. In short, he may enjoy playing your soulmate but there’s no proof he will sustain the role.

If this man proves the exception and he leaves his family, you might find happiness. It’s not unknown but I’d still be careful.

In my experience, people who become used to running a second relationship, tend to repeat the behaviour. There are lots of mistresses who marry their lover, only to find themselves being left at home and neglected because he’s moved on to a fresh excitement.

I know this is bracing, but you’re standing at the knife-edge of a very important decision that has the potential to hurt a lot of bystanders, including some very young kids. Please think. And when you act, do so with care.


Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help.  Email star2.thelma@thestar.com.my or write to Dear Thelma, c/o StarLifestyle, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor. Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.


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