Dear Thelma: I have a girlfriend but I met someone new


  • Family
  • Sunday, 07 Apr 2019

I need your advice on my current relationships. I have been dating A (who is two years younger than me) for the past three years. I was in love with her before I left for my new job assignment, which took me away from her.Then, I met my colleague (who is two years older and from a foreign country) and we clicked. Her name is B. We went for movies and were physically intimate.

Initially, I thought it would be just a one-night stand and I could move on from there. Once I got to know B more, I fell in love with her independent and spiritually strong character.

I felt I could share a lot of my worries and work-related issues with B, which I couldn’t with A due to her lack of understanding of my job. I feel that B and I are very compatible intellectually and she brings the best out of me.

We share great chemistry in bed as well. I have been with B for a year now and I feel a stability and maturity in the relationship. I feel I have discovered myself more spiritually, although B can be possessive at times.

A is a passive girl and she obeys all my demands. She is caring towards me but I feel we are not connected intellectually. We’ve never been physically intimate as she is a reserved person.

A is physically more attractive than B but I feel that my relationship with A has stalled because there are no common topics to talk about. A is quite innocent and I feel bad for cheating and hurting her.

I’m confused. Should I be with A, as all this chemistry with B is due to being “in love” and will recede over time? Or should I go with B, as inner qualities are more important than physical beauty over time? Please advise.

Confused and lost

People sometimes slip when they’re far away from home, and if it had been a one-off, I’d counsel you to forgive yourself and forget. However, you went into this quite deliberately and have cheated repeatedly for over a year.

Seriously, what are you thinking? You have A waiting for you back home who is wasting her love and time, and B has no idea she is in a long-term relationship that is based on a lie. Both women are going to be hurt when they discover the true situation.

Worse, apart from a single mention of guilt, you disparage both women and focus entirely on your needs. You come across as selfish and entitled.

I suggest you start by cleaning up the mess you’ve made. Reveal the truth to both of them. As you have lied repeatedly, neither will be able to trust you. Be prepared to have both of them dump you.

With social media being what it is, you can reasonably expect fallout from your circle of friends, family and acquaintances. You will have to accept the knock on your personal reputation gracefully.

Also, while A is far away, poor B might find that people will not believe she didn’t know you’re a cheat. You should make sure that she doesn’t take the blame for your behaviour.

I strongly suggest you talk to a professional. As this started because you thought you could get away with a one-night stand, focus on why you felt it okay to cheat in the first place.

Then work on listening to your conscience. Include exercises that build empathy. If you feel how cheating hurts others, you will be less tempted to repeat it.

Finally, you might want to try and hide all this. Frankly, I don’t think you can. Social media has made the world a small place. It’s amazing you got away with cheating for a year. Sooner or later, you will be found out.

If I were you, I’d be up front and take my lumps. At least then, you will know you had the courage to admit your errors and to try and do the right thing. This is a real mess, but if you are honest now, you can learn and grow from the experience.


Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. E-mail star2.thelma@thestar.com.my or write to Dear Thelma, c/o StarLifestyle, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor. Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.


Article type: metered
User Type: anonymous web
User Status:
Campaign ID: 7
Cxense type: free
User access status: 3
   

Across The Star Online


Air Pollutant Index

Highest API Readings

    Select State and Location to view the latest API reading

    Source: Department of Environment, Malaysia