Dear Thelma: I think my husband cheated on me but I still love him


  • Family
  • Sunday, 10 Feb 2019

I am married with no kids and working in the education field. Here is my problem.

I have been married since 2015. Unfortunately, I got pregnant once, a month after my wedding. The problem started from there. I was diagnosed as pre-diabetic two months before my wedding. Once I got to know I was in the danger zone, I started to take more care about my health, like food control and exercise.

My husband wasn’t so happy with the pregnancy because he lost his job the month that I conceived. He had some plans with me, like go for holidays, exercise together and take two years to get to know each other and after that, then plan for a baby.

He just couldn’t accept that I was pregnant. Throughout the pregnancy, I had very bad mood swings and craved for food. We always argued over petty issues and he even asked for a divorce while I was pregnant. He didn’t love the baby till I was in my third trimester.

Then I found out he flirted with another girl. He didn’t tell that girl that he was married. I confronted him and he said he won’t do it again. I trusted him but our sex life has not really been so good ever since I got pregnant.

I forgot to tell you that my baby didn’t survive. We lost the baby. He struggled for his life for one and half days. It took me three years to come out of this grief. I just wish I have my baby now. My husband should change after this incident but he didn’t.

Last year, I caught him flirting again but this time by chatting through an adult dating website. He befriended a divorcee who is craving for sex. Again I confronted him but he said, “Believe me, I won’t do this anymore.”

Lately, we have been staying separately because he was working in another state while I was in KL. After I had a major surgery, I went back to stay together with him during my recuperation period. The moment I entered the house, I saw a few long hairs in my bedroom, an extra toothbrush and make up on my pillowcase.

Before that, he had told me that his friend was staying in our house while the latter looked for a room to stay as his tenancy contract had ended and he couldn’t find a room within a short period.

Just because I trust my husband so much, I agreed to allow him to stay in my house.

When I confronted him this time, he said the friend brought his friend to the house and that the friend was married with three kids.

I asked for an explanation for everything and he said, “Even though all the evidence is against me, please trust me. I didn’t do anything and I never betrayed you”. I was totallly lost.

I don’t know whether I should trust my husband or not. My heart says he is guilty but my brain says don’t jump into any conclusion because I didn’t witness anything. We argued and finally I gave him one last chance.

Of late, he justified his behaviour by saying he likes to flirt. If he finds that a lady or girl looks attractive, slim and sexy, he must check her out, and he has a high sex drive. So I decided to change my ways.

I groomed myself up to look prettier, wore sexy clothes and impressed him in the bedroom. But now he says I don’t like to listen to him, never considers his feelings and that I have lost my trust in him. Sometimes he will ask, “If you don’t trust me, why do you still want to be with me?”

I was like, what the heck is this?? Even though I knew you were cheating on me, I still gave you a chance to change and save our marriage. He complains a lot about me, and I can feel my love for him slowly fading. I don’t know what to do.

I’m not sure whether he is doing all this to get a divorce from me. Or am I too selfish for holding on to him for too long? What am I supposed to do now? Do I need to go for marriage counselling? Please advise. I truly love him. I just want him to change and have a happy life and family with me.

I’m so sorry about the baby. What a shattering experience.

With all the problems you’ve had, let’s see where this marriage is at.

You became pregnant a lot earlier than you both hoped, and at a difficult time to boot. It was no wonder you were both grumpy but it was unconscionable for your husband to demand a divorce. A good man does not walk away from a pregnant wife.

Also, the blaming might have been a sign of stress but responsible adults know it takes two people to make a baby. If he wasn’t ready to accept consequences, he should have kept it in his trousers.

Fastforward to today and he is messing about on dating sites and chasing women because he claims to be a slave to his sex drive. What is he, a bag of uncontrollable hormones? What nonsense.

I don’t think it matters whether he has cheated on you or not. He has made it clear that he is not invested in this relationship. Worse, his actions show he is selfish and lacks basic decency. You deserve better.

Can counselling help? It is possible to retrieve a relationship that started well but that soured. But yours started off badly and then got worse. There is no foundation. Also, with your husband being so unprincipled, there is a big chance he’ll just lie to get out of counselling and then continue cheating. Frankly, I’m not optimistic.

As you don’t have children, you only need to consider your own needs. I suggest you see a lawyer and arrange for a divorce. Then go find a good man, one who takes responsibility for his actions, and who is caring, kind and principled, and who wants a family. There are lots of those about, so go out and date.

But please, think before you enter a new relationship. The last thing you need is to repeat your mistake.

Consider where you went wrong and make sure you learn from the experience. Look at the kinds of things he did and said that should have warned you he wasn’t right for you.Understanding will prevent you from doing it again.

Also, living with a partner who behaves badly can have a nasty effect on your self-esteem and trust. Plus, you may have picked up some bad habits. Ask yourself: am I the kind of person I would want as a life partner? Where do I need to work on myself? Use this experience to understand yourself better and to grow as a person.

This kind of introspection is best when you have help. Talk it over with a close sensible friend or consider having a chat with a therapist. A few sessions with a pro where you can safely and discreetly talk through everything might be useful to you. Good luck!


Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Write to Dear Thelma, c/o StarLifestyle, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor or e-mail star2.thelma@thestar.com.my. Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.


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