'Mr & Mrs American Pie': Hilarious & thought-provoking pageant tale

“All I can think about is escape.

“First come the opening volley of mimosas and some light chit chat about the weather. Then our wedge salads arrive, signalling the commencement of mild gossip about people we all hate. Suddenly, as I bite into a crisp piece of iceberg lettuce, I cease being Mrs Maxine Hortence Simmons, the elegant thirty-six-year-old wife of noted airline executive Douglas Simmons. I am still physically at this table in the sunroom of the Palm Springs Thunderbird Country Club, and yet my body and soul have undergone a total upheaval.”