WHAT is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about teenagers? Rebellion, bad attitude and trouble? Teens get a lot of bad press.

All too often, publicity about teenagers highlights the ones in trouble: the Mat Rempit, the runaways and the lawbreakers. You rarely hear about the hospital volunteers and the camp counsellors.

Thanks to media images of juvenile delinquents, parents often expect trouble as their children enter puberty. It is a rare parent who does not approach a child’s adolescence without some misgivings.

Being a parent is a rewarding experience, but it’s not always easy, especially during the child’s teenage years. Parenting a teenager can be like riding a rollercoaster; one moment they appear angelic and mature, the next, their horns appear and things get out of control. All of a sudden, your teenage child seems to have changed without warning. Why is this so; what is happening?

By English definition, the word “teenager” simply refers to children aged 13 to 19. They are also known as adolescents. According to Wikipedia, the word “adolescence” is derived from the Latin word, adolescere, meaning “to grow up”.

Historically, puberty has been heavily associated with teenagers and the onset of adolescent development. However, the start of puberty has had somewhat of an increase in preadolescence, particularly in females. These changes have made it more dif ficult to pinpoint the time frame in which adolescence occurs.

With the onset of puberty, a few things happen to our teenage children:

Physical changes

As hormones are being released by their bodies, secondary body chara cteristics develop. Girls begin to menstruate and boys’ vocal chords start to change. Hair grows in private parts. They become very self-conscious and sensitive. In fa ct, they often remind me of the “touch-me-not ” Mimosa plant. Suddenly, they cry out for freedom and privacy.

Emotional changes

Emotionally, they can be as unpredictable as the weather, going from sunshine one moment to thunderstorm the next. One reason could be the raging hormones. The other may be due to internal self-conflict because of an identity crisis.

Identity crisis is a phase they go through as they discover who they are and try to make sense of the world around them. For many, this phase of self-discovery brings about instability and causes them to feel insecure.

The frustrating part is, much as we want to know why they are exhibiting such erratic emotions, they may have absolutely no idea themselves. Truth is, sometimes there is just no reason at all. As a result, their non-responsiveness may come across as bad attitude.

Social changes

Socially, they go through a process known as individuation, which is becoming an individual. For this to happen, they feel an urge to be “separated” from their parents and identify themselves with their peers. This is their way of showing the world that they have grown up. For this reason, they do not like to be seen with their parents or be shown too much affection openly by their parents. Hence, friends become very important to them. They need to identify themselves with their peers in order to find themselves. That’s why we often see teenagers having the same hairstyle, carrying the same bag or even having the same tattoo or body piercing at the same spot!

Instinctively, we try to regain control while they assert their individuality. Alas, we see the law of physics in action – every force produces a reaction force – and rebellion results. Letting go can be difficult.

Mental/cognitive changes

Adolescence is also a period where the frontal brain goes through major construction. The teenager now moves from concrete reasoning to abstract thinking. In essence, they are migrating from a black-and-white world to a world of grey and shades of grey. Before, everything was absolute. Now, they discover the realm of relativity. For example, they know that telling lies is wrong. Now, they have to wrestle with “Is telling white lies okay?”

They also have a quest for things spiritual and philosophical. They ask questions like “What is the meaning in life?” and “Is there really a power bigger than myself?” It can be totally confusing for them. For that matter, some of us adults are still confused, asking and searching for answers ourselves.

Our teenage children really don’t care how much we know until they know how much we care. When we begin to see things from their perspective and understand what they are going through, we will then be able to go down to their level, learn to let go gradually, and connect with them meaningfully.

Charis Patrick is a trainer and family life educator who is married with four children.