Sunday May 18, 2008
Dilemma of a not-so-merry widow
MY husband passed away three years ago. Since then, I have developed an intimate and wonderful relationship with T, a married man.
T has a strained relationship with his wife but has stayed married because of his kids.
Although we do not see each other regularly, we do communicate daily through phone calls and SMS messages.
Of late, I have been attending community talks for widows and single mums at which the topic of immoral involvement with married men was brought up for discussion.
While I do feel guilty, I can’t end the relationship since the pain of not seeing him again would be too much to bear.
He keeps assuring me that he will solve his family problems somehow and get a divorce, but says he needs time to do it.
I am also worried that my kids cannot accept him because the love they have for their late father is still very strong, and they seem to resist any man who is likely to have a relationship with me. Therefore, I have also kept the affair from them.
Should I continue to see him and feel guilty all the time or should I end the relationship and be devastated?
I have no close friends or relatives whom I can turn to for advice. I also do not wish to reveal my immoral affair to the community groups because I fear what they will think of me once they know the truth.
Devastated Widow
LOVE is not immoral. You are a lonely woman who needs love, companionship and friendship. Do not feel that it is wrong to seek love and happiness.
But guilt is a terrible burden to bear. You feel that you are wrecking the life of another woman. You are wretched because you are party to destroying the happiness of a family.
Yet you wish and hope that your lover will soon leave his wife and children for you.
At the same time, you worry that your own kids will not be able to accept him as they still love their departed father dearly.
Yes, it is tough. At this low point in your life, perhaps you should explore other avenues for happiness.
How else can you fill the empty hours without a man? Your lover is often unavailable anyway.
If you have a job, are there colleagues and associates you could spend time with? How about charity work, hobbies, exercises, or yoga?
Sometimes, loneliness is a frame of mind. Sex is a need but, mainly, you need emotional fulfilment.
Do not harbour big hopes for marriage and a future with your lover. Chances are he’s not prepared to divorce and change his lifestyle and status quo.
Ease away if you can and perhaps you may wake up one day and realise that you do not need such strain and stress.
Share your time and thoughts with other widows and single mums so that you do not feel so alone.
But never feel that the need for love is wrong. Sometimes, we need to concentrate on priorities.
If your kids are most important, then bring them up well. Talk to them, know how they think.
When they are ready, be friends with your children. They will soon understand your needs as a woman, not just being a mother.
Leave space in your heart for their father and they will not resent you for needing love and companionship.
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