Friday, 5 September 2014 | MYT 11:31 AM

Joan Rivers and her many jokes

Joan Rivers died on Sept 4, 2014 at age 81. -- EPA

Joan Rivers died on Sept 4, 2014 at age 81. -- EPA

The comedian was best known for her no-holds-barred attitude and of course, her many, many jokes.

Any celebrity who has ever been mentioned in a joke should consider themselves lucky – especially if the witty comments came from Joan Rivers.

Rivers, who passed away on Thursday aged 81, often mocked, made fun of or even downright insulted celebrities who “deserved” them – Justin Bieber was one such person (though she would also include herself in the list, sometimes). It seemed like a mean thing to do, but then again, it’s probably what any regular person would do among friends in real life. 

Whether it is via her popular TV programme Fashion Police, her tweets, comments to the press or her stand-up comedy shows, Rivers’ jokes would always be received with an equal amount of laughter and criticism. She, of course, couldn’t care less. 

Here are some of Rivers’ funnies: 

Justin Bieber

1. Justin Bieber has apologized for a video of him telling racist jokes and using slurs. He should really issue one for "Never Say Never 3-D."

2. “I have friends who take home movies of their kids being born. If you’re going to show me movies of your kid, I don’t want to see them being born, I want to see them being conceived.”  

Rivers and her daughter, Melissa. – AFP

3. “Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, “Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.”

4. “California is drugs, drugs, drugs. If it’s white and it’s on the table they’re going to sniff it. I have a friend who OD-ed at the beauty parlour from sniffing dandruff.”  

5. “You know what OBGYN means, don’t you? It stands for ‘Ouch! Better groom your nails’.”

6. “A child of one can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables and wake Mummy before noon.” 

7. “I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.” 

8. “Don’t cook, don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. ‘My God, the floor’s immaculate. Lie down, you hot b----!’.”

9. The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

10. Celine Dion’s asking $72 million for her Florida home. For that you get 5 bathrooms and the promise of never hearing the Titanic song again.

11. Justin Bieber is going to be the new face of Calvin Klein underwear. We've gone from Marky Mark to Douchey Douche.

A scene from the movie Paul.

12. “UFO sightings are never by anybody intelligent. A UFO has never landed at Harvard or Yale or Princeton. It’s always two ---holes with Coors beer and a recreational vehicle.”

13. I am definitely going to watch The Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for "Best Special Effects.”

14. At a sale of @GiulianaRancic's E! wardrobe. Hoping I can find something in my size...maybe socks???

15. Casey Kasem died a month ago, and still hasn't been buried. He's starting to smell almost as bad as Johnny Depp.

16. Kanye West got booed again for ranting while on stage. Perhaps he should leave the ranting to a professional, like Alec Baldwin.

17. Loved seeing the Vatican and the Pope. He’s the only person who can truly pull of the "holier than thou" attitude.

18. Samsung has a new phone that's completely liquid-proof. Betty White called them to ask if they also make pants.

19. Nicole Kidman's movie about Princess Grace is getting bad reviews. I think Nicole is sad about it, but it's hard to tell with all the Botox.

20. To all the celebrities I mention in "Diary of a Mad Diva," PLEASE read the disclaimer before calling your lawyers!

Sources: She's So Funny by Judy Brown, Joan Rivers on Twitter 

Related stories: 

Joan Rivers paved the way for raunchy female comedians

Five things you didn't know about Joan Rivers


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