The writer and his wife Lee Siew Lin with their daughters (from left) Valentina, Vanessa and Victoria Tan, in a family photo taken last October, days after Vanessa
I contributed two articles to Fathers Figure previously. The first, “Life’s never dull with my two girls” (Aug 29, 1997), talked about my first two daughters. In the second, “Delightful angels” (May 1, 2002), the number increased to three. Well, it has remained at three ever since.
It is a common assumption that it is less challenging raising daughters than sons. I, for one, cannot make any comparisons since my wife and I have three daughters. But I can safely declare that it is no mean feat bringing up children to be individuals we aspire them to be.
Challenges continue at every step of the way, regardless of the child’s gender. As we raise our three daughters, we are often reminded of the lessons our parents tried to impart to us when we were young. Our folks, however, probably had it easier.
Vanessa, our eldest, is now a lass of 23-plus. She just graduated in teaching and took a flight out to Sarawak for her interim posting. It was not easy for us to let her go, especially to a place we have little exposure to or experience with. Many thoughts rushed through our minds when we got news of her posting. How will she manage in an unfamiliar place? Will there be basic amenities? Where can she stay and with whom? The questions were endless. I am sure all parents go through all this when faced with a similar situation.
Not wanting to make her mother and I worry, Vanessa gamely reassured us that she would be fine and that the challenge before her would serve as a good learning experience of the real world.
We felt a little comforted by her positive outlook but nonetheless, we were – and still are – concerned about her wellbeing. Vanessa’s journey reflects the many years that have passed us by. It seems like not too long ago when we guided her from one academic hurdle to another with the culmination of her bachelor’s degree. Although it appeared to be smooth sailing, there were trying times.
Our eldest girl is no different from other young adults. There are times when we don’t see eye to eye with her over her choices or decisions but that does not mean the end of everything. We believe in allowing her to make her own decisions but not without prior discussion with us, the major stakeholders.
Often, we will brainstorm the pros and cons so that she is able to make an informed decision. Nevertheless, should she face any misgivings along the way, she knows we will always be there for her. We feel she should be given the flexibility to become the individual she desires to be. It also means a journey of self-discovery filled with trials, tribulations and triumphs which would make her more resilient, tolerant, patient and wise.
Knowing Vanessa, she can be relied upon to realise whatever she has set out to do.
Valentina, our second daughter, is as feisty as ever. She is now 16 going on 17, a rather challenging yet exciting phase in one’s life. Young, vivacious and possessing boundless energy, she wants to be part of this and that. Besides the co-curricular activities at school, she is also involved in other demanding and energy-sapping pursuits like cheerleading and gymnastics.
I often fear for her safety but my wife believes in allowing her the opportunity to experience new things. Because of these experiences, Valentina has developed wholesomely. She interacts well with others, is able to express herself effortlessly and is confident.
Her self-esteem has enabled her to benefit from the world around her in numerous ways. In addition, her passion for baking has made her very popular among foodies!
Victoria, our youngest girl, has blossomed into a lovely, bubbly teenager. Although only 13, her maturity belies her age. She has a wonderful zest for life and a great sense of humour. Despite being on the threshold of her teen years, she is able to do a lot of things girls her age would not relish doing.
Credit goes to my wife who believes that our daughters must be taught basic skills so that they will be able to survive anywhere on their own.
Victoria is a natural in the kitchen and capable of whipping up a meal in a jiffy. She knows the right ingredients as well as the right technique to use in preparing various dishes. She is also adept at handling electronic gadgets, something I strive to catch up in order to remain relevant in my children’s ever-changing world.
Parenting these days requires a different philosophy and there is definitely no one way of bringing up children. My wife and I prefer to adopt an eclectic approach with our girls. A good grounding of values, lots of open communication, a dose of discipline and loads of love, care and understanding is our way of building a strong, close-knit family.
We feel it is important to impress on our brood so that they carry on this legacy of strong family bonds with their own families in future. It has been an immense experience for two individuals who are about to retire, but as parents to three lovely angels, there is no retirement age. The next time you hear from me, I would probably be sharing stories as a granddad. Cheerio!
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