What happens when parenting styles clash?

Vijayalakshmi Ratnam with two of her three sons, Shaailendra (right) and Sanjay. She and her husband discuss their differences over parenting styles in private.

When it comes to raising the children, there's bound to be some sort of disagreement between parents. This is because all parents want the best for their children and what mum sees as best for her child may not necessarily be the same for dad.

The most common issues that parents are concerned about are discipline, good behaviour and healthy diet. How do most parents cope when they don't see eye to eye?

Mutual parenting

Vijayalakshmi Ratnam does her best to ensure a good upbringing for her three sons: Shaailendra, nine, Sanjay, eight, and Utheyaram, six. For her, consistency is the key to good behaviour. She also believes it's important to communicate and compromise with her spouse when needed.

As such, she and her husband, Paramesh Seenivasan have an agreement on parenting rules and try to focus on what is best for their sons.

“It's not always easy as my boys are always full of energy and we need to always monitor their activities. I have to make sure they follow the rule as that helps to keep them in check,” she says, smiling.

Vijaya, as she is called by family and friends, quit her job three years ago to spend more time with her sons. It was not an easy decision but she had to make sure there was someone reliable to take care of her kids.

Although she spends most of the time with the children, it is husband Paramesh who usually disciplines the boys.

“We have strict rules about their diet at home - no junk food, sweets, iced drinks, iced cubes or carbonated drinks,” she explains.

Processed food such as burgers, hot dogs, nuggets, pizza and other fast food are also kept to a minimum.

“We also set a scheduled time for watching TV, playing with their computer devices and football. During weekdays, playtime is only in the evenings,” she explains.

The boys are also expected to follow a schedule for homework, revision time, lunch, dinner and bedtime.

“But there are times when Paramesh and I have our differences,” she shares. The soft-spoken Vijaya sometimes does not see eye to eye with her husband when it comes to strict disciplining of their boys.

“Paramesh is stern with the boys sometimes. I believe that as parents, we need to reason things out with children. They need to know why we discipline or punish them,” Vijaya points out.

The kids normally get in trouble if their father comes home to find that they haven't put their things away. His anger is fuelled when the boys start yelling at each other or start fighting among themselves.

A stern warning and lecture follows and the children become afraid of their father. When things do get rough, Vijaya tries to find some middle ground and gets Paramesh to see a different side to the boys.

“I try to explain to him why we should handle some matters in a diplomatic way. We do have arguments about what our kids should or should not do but not when the children are around,” she says.

Indeed, differences in parenting styles are also based on parents' upbringing. It can influence the way they discipline their children.

Mum's the boss

Finance manager Rekha Nadarajah and her husband, project manager Chandran Subramaniam, believe that discipline is important as it helps to nurture good behaviour and moulds children into better individuals.

They have a son, Darshen, 10, and two daughters, Shievani, eight, and Shobana, four. Rekha takes more control over disciplining the children and says it is important to have discussions with her spouse before enforcing the rules with the kids.

“I always discuss things openly with Chandran. Once we have a rule in place, we are both consistent with what we say. I believe that if parents are not consistent or bend the rules too often, it will only make children more confused. At home, if I have a disagreement with Chandran on certain things, we discuss it separately and not in front of the children. Most of the time we'd agree in advance on how and what should be done and convey the same message to our kids,” she says.

Some parents do not think about the repercussions of relenting easily to their kids but Rekha says children can take advantage of such situations.

“If parents are inconsistent with what they say, children can easily get the impression that mum is easier than dad or vice versa,” she says.

Still, there are times when trivial arguments take place on the spur of the moment.

“It's usually about allowing the kids to have extra playtime or computer time,” she says.

So, how do they compromise and find some common ground?

Rekha allows her kids to negotiate if they really want something badly.

“We will agree to increase the time allowance with a trade-off that they do an extra hour of revision or give up playtime the next day. When we do this, we are strict because we don't want them to take advantage of the situation,” she shares.

She and her husband try not to argue in front of the kids but if it does happen, they stop themselves and discuss the matter later.

“The kids would normally ask if we're having an argument or if we're angry about something but we tell them it's very natural for parents to have discussions and it's a normal family occurrence,” she says.

Follow the rules

Rekha says her children are always reminded of the house rules regardless of where they are. The same applies when they are at the babysitter's home.

“I normally brief the babysitter on the do's and don'ts for the kids. It's very important to be consistent when there are rules. Otherwise, they might get the idea of having their way when they are away from home and resort to misbehaviour,” she explains.

For Rekha, discipline nurtures a child and it is an important aspect in raising a child to become a better person.

“At the same time, it is equally important to ensure they understand the need for discipline. I always explain the need for each rule we have with the kids. This enables them to think about it and reason things out for themselves,” she says.

Parenting is certainly harder now as more parents want kids to be able to think independently as opposed to the authoritarian “listen and follow” style of the old days.

“There is a need to negotiate as opposed to dictate. No matter how the family is configured, the parent, as the central influence in guiding a child to adulthood, remains the principal cornerstone of a child’s upbringing. These days it’s crucial to stay abreast with new developments influencing the child's growth. Also, there is a need to evaluate our parenting style at different stages of the child's growth. It’s certainly difficult in comparison to old ways where there was only one style of parenting,” Rekha says.

Mum vs Dad

Parents agree that consistency is important regardless of which parent the child goes to. Children must get the same answer from both parents.

According to child and adolescent psychiatrist Rose Peng, parenting is about nurturing and moulding the child to be what parents wish them to be.

“The fundamentals of what parents want of their child and how they want to mould their child should be continuously discussed and agreed upon. The way a parent nurtures the child would surely differ based on his/her own past experiences and temperament,” she says.

Her advice is not to interfere when one parent is handling the child.

“Stand back and move away. Parents should always check themselves, execute love and compassion for the child; not a demonstration of their own personal weaknesses. Parenting is a journey where two parents help each other grow and work towards what matters to them in their child; again with love and compassion for each other,” she points out.

Consistency is very important in moulding and nurturing a person. Children nowadays are bombarded with diverse and opposing ideas of what is good and valued.

The way two parents live together is what the child constantly sees as what life is all about.

“Thus, if the two parents are able to constantly communicate with each other about what matters to them and to work towards that, how they raise their child is just another aspect of their everyday life. Fighting about how to raise their kid may indeed indicate more sinister and fundamental problems in the couple's relationship rather than solely be about differences in parenting styles,” says Dr Peng.

Do arguments between parents affect children generally?

“The home is supposed to be the child's fortress. How is the child to feel stable and grow if the generals are fighting in there?

“The fights can be scary and frightening for the timid (resulting in feeling insecure, anxious, depressed, with low self-esteem), or used for “divide and rule” by the mischievous (get what they want by pitching one parent against another),” she says.

Parents should not be too busy setting rules as well. Live a respectable and responsible life and your kids will emulate your ways.

“Parents should take the time and put things in perspective. Put 'to do thing as a family' in your work diary and come home and do things together as a family. Your children learn by watching you. Show them how you handle your life; work together and play together; care for the home and the running of the household together with your kids. Do things with relatives, neighbours and friends. Enjoy fun activities together and separately, but share the joy and tribulations,” she concludes.