Does your child constantly bury his or her face in a mobile gadget? Are you fearful that they won't be able to communicate face-to-face? Should you be worried and what can you do about it?
ParenThots speaks to two people who work with children and youths to find out.
Chong Keat Lim, vice-president of the youth division of training company Leaderonomics, says that it's hard to get kids to break the habit of playing with their mobile gadgets if that is something they are used to.
“If the family doesn't have a very good culture of communicating then it would be very hard to start talking because the kids are just not used to it. If a child has always been doing his own thing on his mobile device while his parents are both absorbed in their own lives and gadgets, then it's hard to suddenly say you want to do something together as a family. The child would find it strange and ask why you want to do something together when he or she would rather stay home and do what they normally do on their own.
“I think before parents attempt to get their kids off their gadgets and to socialise, they need to ask themselves what it is they really want to achieve. Is it really just to get them off their gadgets? Or to also build relationships?
“If it is to build relationships and teach them to socialise, then you need to invest a little bit more time and effort,” he says.
Muhammad Yasir Osman, youth leader with Leaderonomics, works with kids and teens from ages eight to 17 years old. He adds that parents should start from the time children are small as that's the best time to teach them and also because that's when they would start using gadgets.
“When you have a culture of talking to each other then there are certain things that you can do. For example, when I was a child, my mum used to read up and do research on the places that we would be visiting and then she would share stories with us.
“Sometimes, parents don't share the stories of their experiences with their kids. This type of interaction will start the relationship building. With that, spending time together will be easier,” says Yasir.
Chong and Yasir agree that children learn from their parents and therefore parents themselves have to put down their gadgets during family time to set a good example.
“You may be doing something important like replying an email, but the fact is that you are still taking up family time and the child picks up on that and thinks 'well, if you're doing your own thing, I will too.' Sometimes parents are at fault too because we want the iPad to babysit our child. We just pass them the iPad to play with while we are busy with our chores or work, and then at our own convenience we tell them to drop the iPad and do something with us. The child will say no because they are now engrossed in it and they are used to it. It will be difficult for the child to now reverse that as it is becoming a habit,” informs Chong.
Play group games
Yasir suggests that parents get kids to play games as this often leads them to start talking. For smaller children, it could be something simple like “duck duck goose.”
“When they experience playing a fun game like this, they would be open to socialise more. When we were growing up, our parents would start a game and then ask all the kids to come and play. That's how we created bonds with each other,” he says.
He believes that parents can't just put kids in a group and ask them to start talking to each other.
“That doesn't work. I think the kids don't have as much imagination as we did when we were young. Their imagination is now managed by designers and developers who design games,” he adds.
Yasir advises parents to try having a party in their home and organise games for the kids to play. Initially, the parents will also need to be involved in it until the game gets going and the kids start talking to each other.
Develop family practices
Chong suggests having family practices such as playing games when the extended family meets up.
“It can be something fun which they can only play with their cousins. When they see how much fun it is, they will soon realise this is a type of fun that you can only get when you play with other people, and in this case their cousins.
“If your house is big enough, it could be something like hide and seek.
“So, what parents should do is create new things to replace what the children are able to get from the iPad. Get something that they can be involved in and which includes using their other senses like touching and listening. After a while, if they get the hang of it, they will realise this is much more fun than just playing a game on the iPad.
“They might not learn as much playing real-life games as compared to reading about whales on the iPad, for example, but it presents them with a different experience. They will realise that reading about whales or playing games on the iPad is something they can do when they are alone but playing real-life fun games is something they can only do when there are others around. And, most times, children would rather play football with real people than play it on their computer.
“Then they will realise that using the iPad is something they can do when their cousins and friends are not available,” explains Chong.
Talking doesn't always work
Chong and Yasir explain that it's a bit harder with teenagers as you can't get them to play games.
More often than not, teens think everything their parents suggest is “uncool.”
Chong and Yasir explain that teenagers have many subcultures, which makes communicating with them a challenge. If you do not belong to that subculture, such as being fans of a particular music group, or a type of current movie craze, they don't want to talk to you. This is not something new; it's youth culture that has gone on for many generations. Don't take it personally; they just think that everyone who doesn't speak their lingo is “uncool.”
Says Chong: “Youths aged 15 and above are going through an emotional rollercoaster, and looking for their own identity. They are looking for people who can connect with them. They find they don't speak the same language as those around them. Hence, they are lost. Naturally, they will go to something which they find themselves more connected to, and now, because of the availability of the Internet, they can find friends with similar interests online or go to webpages that highlight their interests. That's why they are so into the computer and gadgets.
“The challenge is to help them find their identity. It's very hard to initiate conversation with them as they view you or some other teenager as not 'cool' enough.
“You might initiate games but it might not work. Usually, I find conversation helps but it has to be something of interest to them.”
He explains that with a group of teenagers, you'd probably have to come in and talk with them initially. Let them get to know each other because to them it's just like different tribes trying to talk to each other. In youth culture this is normal but if someone comes in and becomes the moderator, it would help the tribes to communicate.
If it's a family gathering, then the older generation can try relating family history or telling the younger generation about an interesting ancestor. This would be of interest to them (no matter what subculture or “tribe” they belong to) because it relates to their own identity and they want to know where they come from and where they're going. Talking about experiences and characters in the family helps to bring them together and usually gets them asking questions and talking.
The challenge is getting them to be connected to a bigger community. While family history gets them talking, it also makes them feel like they belong to a larger community.
If it's not a group of cousins, then perhaps it would help to initiate conversation about something that they all have in common – even if it is a game played on the iPad!
Sports and uniformed bodies
Chong and Yasir agree that it would help to push the children to join a team sport or uniformed bodies like Boy Scouts and Girl Guides.
Chong says that that itself opens the child up to different social networks and they get to communicate with others. It would help them, but again, it has to be something that the adolescent wants to join. It has to gel with his or her interests.
Yasir suggests that they could do something related to their interests but take it out of the norm, make it something fresh and interesting.
Connecting with a bigger group
Chong explains that parents can use the child's interests in their gadgets to talk to them about other things. For example, if they like to play football games on the computer, then talk to them about football. If they enjoy playing a cooking game, then discuss cooking with them or get them to cook with you, or even have a cooking party among kids their age.
“First you initiate conversation, then you connect them with a bigger group such as a hobby club and get them talking. This helps build up their communication and people skills,” says Chong.
If you have small children, Chong and Yasir say it might work to bring the kids along when parents and their friends meet up. This way, parents can teach their kids to play with other kids. However, do note that it might not work with teenagers because they might not want to tag along.
“One thing families can do is to hang out with family friends. Make a point to meet up once a week, perhaps over a meal. So, the children get to know each other and usually, with family friends you more or less have the same interests and pursuits. So, it wouldn't be a big gap in terms of interests.
“As they build up these relationships, they also get to know each other. It would then be easier to make a suggestion of having a sleepover or going to the bird park with these friends' children.
“Or, even if they come together with their iPads, they would talk about the games they play. So, it's not like they are just stuck there,” says Chong.
Yasir suggests going for movies together.
“For teenagers, it's very simple. Just say you're going to pay for the movie and the popcorn and they'll all go along. It always engages conversation because they can talk about the movie.
“When kids have an iPad, you can use it as a tool for communication if you can get them to play a multiplayer game together,” he adds.
Time to disconnect?
Chong says that imposing a rule of no gadgets for certain hours rule may or may not work. Some parents have seen results and others have seen rebellion.
“I think this is more a question of how choices and freedom is worked out in your own family. If it's very authoritarian, then it becomes very hard. As they grow older, the tension becomes worse and if the child is strong-willed, they will rebel.
“I think parents should be more worried about how to help their kids make decisions or better decisions, also taking into consideration that children should be allowed some space to make poor decisions and fail so that they will have confidence to know what they really want to do with their own lives,” says Chong.
Yasir adds that parents can help children find out what they want out of life and how to manage their time. By having to negotiate with parents for time on the Internet or to use their gadgets, youths will build their negotiation skills as well.
All's fair in gadget usage
Chong warns parents that children have a very basic sense of fairness. So, if you ask them not to spend so much time on their mobile device, be prepared for them to ask you to do the same.
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