How to parent Gen Y and Z

At the recent Parenting Gen Y and Z forum organised by ParenThots at Menara Star, Petaling Jaya, Selangor, parents brought forward questions on raising their pre-teen and teenage children.

Generation Y typically is the generation that grew up with the Internet. They do not know of life before the Internet.

Generation Z is even younger than that; this is the generation which has grown up playing with gadgets enabled with the mobile Internet.

Here are some of the questions that parents put forward at the forum. The replies have been provided by the experts themselves – developmental psychologist Elaine Yong, family life educator Charis Patrick, and authors-trainers Jamilah Samian and her husband Ahmad Fakhri Hamzah.

How can we develop the skills in Gen Y and Z to help them become more focused and committed?

Yong: To increase someone’s attention and focus, try playing board games. Board games require the players to keep track of their turn as well as remember the rules of the game. Alternatively, try games such as Jenga, Sudoku, and mahjong. For younger children, you can try bean-sorting, playing cards such as Uno, Snap, maze games, etc.

A person will become committed if the activity and process is enjoyed. In whatever activity or task you are attempting, always try to introduce an element of fun. Time will pass by quickly and they’ll likely ask when that activity will be repeated again.

What kind of preparations need to be done for raising children in the next three to five years? What aspects should be emphasised upon educating the children?

Yong: The main challenge I foresee parents complaining about would be dealing with their children’s short attention span. The short attention span is caused by too much TV-watching and the massive information available via the Internet.

As such, parents need to get back to the basics:

- Teach the children to enjoy what they are learning (the process) rather than chasing the elusive ‘A’ grade (the outcome).
- Emphasise creativity in problem-solving.
- Celebrate the efforts put in by children in their homework/ activities.
- Have family board games night to increase attention/ focus.

How to get children interested in their studies?

Yong: You can do this by:
- Setting realistic expectations as parents.
- Make learning FUN.
- Recognise effort rather than academic grades.
- Make the learning come alive by frequent hands-on activities (trips to the petting zoo, botanical gardens, mountain climbing, etc).
- Teach children learning strategies (such as concept-mapping, timetabling for revision, acronyms, etc)
- Introduce role models for the kids.

How can I educate my children better (for example, can I compare my kids with other kids?)

Yong: Never compare your kids with others. Recognise the strengths of each child. Each child has his or her own talents and they absorb information differently. To educate your children better, try:

- Making learning fun.
- Let your children see you reading a lot; they will follow in your footsteps.
- Make a timetable for revision; weekends are family time.
- Celebrate all effort put into the completion of a task/homework/project.
- Introduce role models for the kids.

Is beating kids okay (if it's not too harsh)? Does it still work in educating them?

Yong: Psychologists are of two minds on this topic. The West views any form of physical punishment as an absolute “NO.” The child will model the parents' behaviour and are likely to resolve any problems by turning to physical means/ aggression. Physical punishment can easily turn abusive if left unchecked and when the parents are very emotional.

In the East and Hispanic cultures, physical punishment is acceptable. Among the Asians, physical punishment demonstrates concern for the children and in certain African American neighbourhoods, it serves to protect the children from getting involved in gangs. Firm parenting in some cultures is also accepted due to large family sizes and is a means of controlling and ensuring everyone complies with some basic house rules.

However, in my personal opinion, a small pat on the hand or backside is fine if the parents follow up with an explanation. The key is explanation. The kids need to be aware that their behaviour is not acceptable and the explanation serves to explain which behaviours are then considered appropriate. When meting out the punishment, maintain an even voice and be calm. Be short and precise with your explanations. Always include an element of how you are feeling at the moment.

Is it okay to set rules for children aged one year old (for example time for bed, no playing after 9pm)? Is it not good for them?

Yong: You may start introducing basic bedtime routines around the age of one year. Having routines allows the child to anticipate what will happen next and programmes their biological clock. Bedtime routines, if practised in a consistent manner, helps the child fall asleep better on their own and reduces the stress level of the caregivers. The routine will also be easily followed if you are not around and a babysitter has to take over.

How do we manage parents whose kids have all the Gen Y and Z traits when they refuse to acknowledge it and accept that this is the trend now, especially when we try to share with them that it is important to inculcate respect, entitlement and the language they use on Facebook and Twitter? The youngsters today are even proud of the foul language they use, and create lots of acronyms for them. How do we address this issue?

Patrick: It is excellent that you are reaching out to parents with Gen Y and Z kids.

There must be a reason why the parents refuse to acknowledge and accept this current trend. It could be a situation where they 1) don’t know what to change; 2) don’t know how to change; or 3) simply don’t want to change.

We need to educate and empower this group of parents about the uniqueness of Gen Y and Z. Develop an awareness about issues and challenges relating to this new generation. Encourage them to read books, attend talks and forums or share with them your personal experiences.

I believe we can only help those who want help. Channel your energy to those who may be ignorant but want to learn and are teachable. For those who may not be ready to embark on the journey of change, we are still hopeful that one day, they will join us on this journey.

Use of foul language primarily has two motivations: 1) attention seeking; and 2) expression of anger. It is addictive because it gives a sense tremendous power and control. For the former, we should ignore and not make a big deal out of it, i.e. act cool. As for the latter, the youngster needs to learn other ways of expressing anger such as replacing the foul word with other words e.g. instead of “what the f***,” it can be “what the fish.”

In both instances, when the youngster calms down, he/she should still be corrected and told what he/she did is not acceptable, and that when repeated, he/she will be disciplined. Make sure you follow through with the discipline when it happens the next time.

How to inculcate face-to-face social skills when Gen Y strongly assimilates technology nowadays (Skype, text messaging, online gaming, social networks via tablet PCs, smartphones, etc)?

Patrick: Author and speaker from the forum, Ahmad Fakhri said, “We need to disconnect to connect.” I totally agree with him. Here are some suggestions:

1) Going on a one-on-one date with your child: You return your child to 100% attention (especially effective if you have more than one child), make him/her feel special and have a heart-to-heart connection.

2) Golden time: Select half a day a week or a month and declare that half day as disconnect to connect day. Every member of the household will switch off their gadgets – from handphones to computers to game consoles. Be careful, you may experience withdrawal symptoms!

You may then use the time to:

- Prepare a meal together;
- Play board games; and/or
- Have a roundtable appreciation time.

3) Get active - play a sport, be close to nature (park, hike, walks, etc).

Ahmad Fakhri and wife Jamilah have many more suggestions in their book The Groovy Guide to Parenting Gen Y and Z.

How can parents like me enjoy life more knowing that the children now have a different set of values in their life eg. they talk more online than face-to-face?

Patrick: It is a good sign that we acknowledge that children today are different. While they may be different from us, it is still important that we find common ground in order to bridge the gap.

On one hand, we want to be in touch with the digital age and use it to our advantage to connect with our kids. So, by all means, go online, chat with them, get them to be your friends on Facebook and join them to tweet. On the other hand, we also want to encourage them to connect with us face to face. For eg: going on a one-on-one date with each of your children, connecting with nature, have a family meal with the rule of “no digital gadgets,” etc.

It is really about striking a balance. We definitely do not want to lose our children to technology. Stay in touch with what they are doing online and make the best of it! 

How do we handle children who seldom speak, discuss or talk about themselves in terms of what is going on with them, where they have been and so on. They answer what we ask and that is it. They never bring up anything about themselves. It is so difficult for them to talk to us as their friend.

Jamilah: The best way to encourage children to open up is by building trust between you and them. Children, especially teenagers, only listen to adults whom they trust. Trust is the secret to open, honest communication. However, trust takes time to grow. The older your child gets, the more crucial is the element of trust. The strength and quality of your relationship with your child is greatly influenced by the level of mutual trust between you both.

There is no real need for children to inform us every tiny detail about their lives. It’s important that they learn to make decisions for themselves, make reasonable mistakes and learn from them. If they were to report to us every single detail, there’s the danger of us telling them what to do, and they’ll not learn from their own decisions. In fact, making mistakes and learning from them is a critical part of the maturing process. What really matters is that your children make you a reference point for major decisions and this is the very reason that trust needs to be nurtured all the time.

Ahmad: It’s mandatory for every parent to take “time-off” to engage with their children. However, it will not be an automatic process since the connection must take place in a non-threatening situation. It must come naturally; need to talk without fear of backlashing when they share about themselves. Please be patient since children take time to open up. They will only do so if they feel secure.

Why is it that young children are very temperamental very suddenly especially when their requests are not met with a favourable response. Why must a child always cry to draw attention instead of asking?

Jamilah: Young kids quickly learn from experience how to best get what they want. If a child suddenly throws a tantrum and cries and is rewarded (by getting what he wants), he quickly learns that this method works. Naturally he will repeat this behaviour the next time he wants something from you. However, an exception is very young kids, aged two and below, who only know how to cry to get what they want. In this case, distraction is a way to make them behave. Also, hunger and exhaustion are two very common factors that destabilise kids. For instance, make sure your kids are neither too hungry nor too tired when you’re going out with them or they will get really cranky for apparently no reason at all.

How do we overcome their need for instant gratification?

Jamilah: The antidote for “instant gratification” is “delayed gratification” which can be nurtured. Instant gratification is a want, not a need. A need is something that our kids require, a want is something nice to have. However, one reason we must teach our children delayed gratification is because, instant gratification is a sure path to misery in life. Children who are continually instantly gratified don’t understand that the world doesn’t revolve around them. Neither do they appreciate the sweetness of working hard for something they desire.

There are four areas in our kids’ lives where we must teach our kids to delay gratification i.e. learn to wait. They are: 1) financial i.e. growing money; 2) achievement / success; 3) health; and 4) relationships.

How do we control our kids' computer hours? Even after agreement, they regularly continue to exceed the computer hours agreed. Even after agreement, they normally stretch their sleeping hours till late at night. As a result, they can’t get up early for school. What do we have to do so that they will sleep early and get up early for school on their own? How to get our kids to help out with house chores without us always having to tell them. They are very reluctant to do house chores even after we explain to them that we all have to help out in the house chores.

Jamilah: These questions are to do with discipline, particularly self-discipline. Discipline is about setting the rules and enforcing them. In this process, sometimes we make decisions that might make us unpopular with our kids. Dealing with discipline has a lot to do with giving them age appropriate answers and responses.

Stretched sleeping hours - If the kids think the agreement is fair, they are more likely to abide by what they have agreed. One way is to agree to sleep earlier on school days and sleep late on Friday and Saturday evenings. It’s also okay to show that you’re upset when they fail to wake up late on a school day as a result of sleeping late. Make yourself heard in a concise, straight-to-the-point way. For example, say “I’m upset because …” But don’t rant because kids shut down when we go on and on (All of us do).

During calmer times, spend time with them explaining why you must do what you are doing, whether they like it or not. Emotional states have a direct effect on a person’s ability to absorb messages sent by others. Kids are able to listen better and are more receptive to what we have to say when they are not tired or overwhelmed with other things. And, don’t try to talk it over with them when you’re distressed, either.

Chores – Consequences work best. Words don’t. Don’t end up doing the chores your kids are supposed to do. Many small consequences are better than one major consequence. Learning to be responsible takes time. It is far better to have a dozen small consequences and build from there, rather than let your child have his own way while resentment simmers inside you and then … wham! make him pay for it with one major harsh consequence.

They are always on their handphones until the power of their vision keeps increasing very fast. They have to change spectacles every few few months. How do we handle this problem?

Jamilah: I’m not aware of any studies that have shown a cause and effect relationship of frequent handphone usage on vision. Might there be any other reason(s) that your child needs to change spectacles every few months?

(Note: For discipline issues with regards to using the handphone for long periods of time, see the question and answer before this one.)

Both my kids, (aged 10 and 12) like to talk back. Do I impose discipline and how?

Jamilah: Two things here: What do your kids’ say (content) and how do they say it?

It is every parent’s job to teach and guide kids to be able to express themselves in an effective way so they are heard when they need to. Kids must learn that they must be mindful of WHAT they say and HOW they say it.

If your kids are simply being rude, you can start by saying something like, “I hear that you’re upset. I find it rude when you say (such-and-such). How you say it makes me feel uncomfortable. What exactly is upsetting you here?” Say it in an even, non-threatening, matter-of-fact tone of voice. This is really important.

This way, you help them sort out their emotions. They learn that, yes, they can express that they are upset, but they must do it in such a way as to enable you to hear and understand them. Plus, we encourage them to learn to filter out words and expressions that are not so palatable to the human ear and mind.

I would not recommend you to discipline them by asking them to shut up at this point in time as this would not teach them a better way of communicating their feelings. Kids grow up into adults and they deal with all kinds of people, some of them nice, some not so. One way to teach your kids how to effectively deal with rude people is to role model (respond in an effective way) when your kids are rude to you. This is part of emotional intelligence, which has a huge influence on their success in life as adults.

My daughter (aged 10) is a very sensitive person. How to teach her to release anger or frustration? How to help her deal with her feelings?

Jamilah: It isn’t clear whether your daughter has always been very sensitive since she was little. If your daughter has never been as sensitive as she is now, then it’s likely that she’s undergoing hormonal changes due to puberty. Girls do tend to reach adolescence at a younger age now. Otherwise, it is likely that she is a highly sensitive child. About 15-20% of children are highly sensitive. As there are no details given here, it’s not possible to ascertain whether your daughter’s sensitivity falls under this category.

Highly-sensitive children (HSC) tend to be sensitive to more things compared to other kids. They feel more i.e. they get sadder about sad events way more than other children, they also get happier about happy events more than other children. Some highly sensitive kids are also more sensitive to environmental elements around them i.e. they get sick more easily. If your daughter is indeed very sensitive in this way, she would need more down time compared to other kids. For a better understanding of HSC, check out Elaine Aron’s site. The way to deal with highly-sensitive kids is to understand that the same thing you say to other children affects them more. Which means, you need to be more mindful of your pitch, tone of voice and what you say.

Anger and frustration are just emotions. All kids need to be taught how to express anger and frustrations in a verbal way, if and when necessary. They also need to learn that not all events deserve to be responded to in an emotional way. When she has calmed down, refer to the event that upset her. Perhaps you can open a discussion by asking, “I could see that you were upset about what happened just now. Shall we talk about it?”

Over time, and as she grows older, guide her to realise that, while these events may be extremely upsetting at the time they occur, in the grand scheme of things and in the long run, they may not matter as much.

My son (aged 12) is very demanding and refuses to listen when I say “No” to him. How to handle this situation without causing any “drama?”

Jamilah: Your response is everything. Children as young as five should already learn that a “No” is a “No.” Stick to your guns. Say it evenly and don’t give in. No need to raise your voice. No child can play a drama on his own. Children are very receptive to our body language. The minute he senses that you are buckling, he’ll put you under more pressure. If he chooses to play up a drama, ignore it.

How to motivate them to excel or behave without giving them gifts or money?

Jamilah: This is an excellent question. The best form of motivation is internal motivation. When kids do good things because they feel good doing it, they know the value of their actions, and they do not need to be rewarded with something to keep doing it.

The key word is ENCOURAGEMENT. You must get your kids excited to achieve and excel. Too often, parents focus too much on results rather than effort. But the only way kids could do better and better before standing a chance to excel in anything is to put in consistent effort. Kids get disheartened if their efforts go unnoticed. Recognise their effort first so they know they are moving in the right direction. In putting in effort, it is true that kids need to know what they are doing right and what they need to do differently. Therefore, rather than criticising, which tends to be taken negatively, give constructive feedback. Let them know how they can improve.

It also helps for you to assist them to see themselves as part of the big picture. Explain to them the concept of the big picture. Any big picture is made of tiny dots. It is these tiny dots that come together to form a big picture. Just like a painting, the many different strokes of the brush bring about colours that combine to produce a masterpiece that will take your breath away. If the big picture is the universe, each of us is a tiny dot that collectively combines to make that big picture. Just as a chain is as strong as its weakest link, so does the wellbeing of humankind depend on each and every one of us. Every effort that each of us does contributes to the good or bad of mankind. Understanding this concept will motivate kids to try to be the best they can be.

What is your suggested solution to get kids to commit or discipline themselves including doing simple things like adhering to their daily schedule e.g. wake up time, study time, etc.

Jamilah: These are all matters of habit which need to be inculcated from small. It’s really difficult for kids who have not been taught to have a daily schedule to suddenly be required to observe any schedule at all. If you have more than one child, it’s also difficult for one child to have a schedule while the rest do not. What I recommend is to have a routine for the entire family. Not everything needs a routine, but certain things are of great significance for everyone in the long run. For instance, getting up early (for Muslims, this would mean waking up for the Fajr prayer and praying together on time i.e. immediately after the “azan” (call to prayer). This applies to all the five daily prayers), or having a family dinner (the best time is not too late. Perhaps around 7pm before the sun sets). As for study time, set a time when everyone is doing their work, including mother, father, and everyone else. You can give this time a cool name e.g. THE GOLDEN HOUR. Distractions like TV should be switched off or put away. If this routine has been started early, by the time kids get to secondary school, they already know what you expect of them and won’t make a big deal of it. But do refrain from “overscheduling” as this will only lead to burnout.

How to provide alternative “funtivities” (fun activities) to iPad/ computer etc? How to teach kids responsibilities? How to do “remote control” parenting (ie effective communication with child from workplace during work hours), gender-based parenting/ education, NLP for kids?

Jamilah: Funtivities – Funtivities include outdoor and indoor activities. Kids by nature are creative. You can find lots of books which can provide ideas for hours of fun. These include origami, paper airplanes, popup card making and such. Outdoor funtivities require more supervision, e.g. kite-flying, rounders, etc. It means you might have to go out for and with the kids but it’s one of the best ways to enhance your relationship with your kids.

Teaching kids responsibility – Consequences work best. Good behaviour produces good consequence. Bad behaviour produces bad consequence. Therefore, if they are responsible, they are rewarded with good consequences e.g. acknowledgement from parents, teachers, etc. And vice versa. Many small consequences are better than one major consequence. Learning to be responsible takes time. Far better to have a dozen small consequences and build from there, rather than let your child have his own way while resentment simmers inside you and then make him pay for it with one major harsh consequence.

Remote control parenting – There is a limit to what you can achieve with this. You can send a text message, call, Skype, Facebook, etc but you still need to have face-to-face time with your children.

Gender-based parenting/education – Certainly boys and girls are different in some ways. Research has shown that for most boys, their brains develop differently from girls. The right side of the brain tends to be richer in internal connections (a plus point for boys) but not as well connected to the left side. Hence, it’s harder for boys to do things well when it requires the use of both sides of the brain, like talking about emotions. Also, a boy and a girl may be of the same age but may not be of the same developmental stage. This doesn’t mean that boys are inferior and girls are superior. There are areas where girls develop sooner and vice versa. Boys develop spatial intelligence at an earlier age. However, each child is different; these are just some areas in which boys and girls tend to differ.

NLP for kids – NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) is about personal excellence and influencing skills. Yes, of course you can apply NLP in children. NLP nurtures patterns of positive thinking and self-belief. However, in order to nurture NLP in your kids, a parent must walk the talk as NLP requires a lot of role modelling as well.

How to help my son who has a bad habit of doing a task half-way or not returning items to their original place. Here are some examples: After using the jam and butter he does not put them back in the refrigerator. Or after folding clothes, he takes them up to his room and leaves them on the floor instead of putting then in the cupboard.

Jamilah: If a child does not complete a task, do not complete it for him. Get him to complete it himself. Call him back and ask him to finish what he started. If you need to, state the problem without nagging, for instance, if there is butter on the table, just say, “Sam, the butter.” Or, “Sam, the clothes.” That’s it. You may make yourself sound a little bit annoyed, but don’t overdo it.

Children like to have or own what their peers are having. They are excited about being 17 because it's the age for getting a car licence. Parents usually worry that they might not have the maturity to drive. How do we handle such a situation? What sort of mutual agreement should we have before he starts to drive?

Jamilah: To begin with, if you feel that your child isn’t ready to drive at 17, don’t allow him to take driving lessons at that age. You can negotiate to defer the date. It’s normal for parents to worry about driving, however, bear in mind that kids will need to take certain responsibilities and make mistakes if we ever wish them to grow up. You can start by allowing him to drive within a certain range, for instance, in the neighbourhood, and gradually to other areas. Discuss this before he even begins his lessons. Tell him that you trust him and do want him to take the next major step in life i.e. earn a driving licence. However, trust is earned, not given. Therefore, the onus is on him to prove that he can be trusted by driving carefully. You might also want to set the time at which he must be home in the evening. Bear in mind, though, that a new driver who is also a teenager will certainly leave at least a few scratches on your car. So be prepared for the consequences!

How should a Gen Y & Z deal with boy-girl relationship? As parents, how do we advise them.

Jamilah: The answer to this question lies within yourself as it has to be aligned to the values you are trying to uphold in your family. To some parents, having a relationship before marriage is a no-no. To others, it’s okay to have a relationship as long as it doesn’t lead to sexual intimacy.

I recommend an open policy i.e. get comfortable to talk about it with your children. Often, the hardest part is to begin talking about it. Rather than leaving it to others, I recommend letting your kids know what your values are. If you’re not comfortable to talk about it in the open with them, find alternatives. For instance, go for public sessions in which this topic is brought up. This will provide an opening for you to start. If not, you can organise a session with a knowledgeable expert on the topic for a group of youngsters and get your kids to attend. Look for teachable moments, e.g. news reports to relate your concerns to your child. Bear in mind that if they don’t hear it from you or from people whom you trust, they will hear it from others whose values may not be aligned with yours.

How to talk to your child when you discover he's been waking up in the middle of the night to use the laptop?

Jamilah: Be direct and matter-of-fact. Refer to your standing agreement, if you have any. Ask why he was using it at the time. Was it because he needed to complete school work? Get the facts first. Don’t assume he has broken any rules you set. Children need to learn that trust is earned, not given. If he has indeed broken the trust, the onus is on him to earn your trust again. State the consequence, e.g. taking the computer out of the room and you keeping it before he goes to bed. However, this may work for younger kids. Older kids need a greater amount of autonomy.