Talking to your kids about sexuality and homosexuality

Talking to our kids about sexuality is hard and challenging enough; talking about homosexuality is even harder.

The following are important points to consider:

1. Why do children need to know about sex and sexuality?

Understanding sexuality helps kids cope with their feelings and peer pressure. It helps them take charge of their lives and have loving relationships. It also helps protect them from sexual abuse - and from becoming sexual abusers.

Home can be the most meaningful place to learn about sexuality. We can help our kids feel good about their sexuality from the very beginning. Then they will be more likely to trust us enough to ask questions about sex later on in life.

Young people are less likely to take sexual risks if they have:

- a positive view of sexuality
- information that they need to take care of their sexual health
- clarity about their own values and an understanding of their families’ values
- self-esteem and self-confidence
- interpersonal skills, such as assertiveness and decision-making abilities
- a sense that their actions affect what happens
- a connection to home, family, and other caring adults in their community, school, or religious institution

Because of the influence of friends and the Internet, many children know about sexuality at a very young age. Unfortunately, some information that they get from friends and the Internet may be wrong or misleading. Therefore, it is extremely important for parents to share with their children the correct information about sexuality.

2. When's the best time to start talking with my children about sex and sexuality?

It's best to start as soon as children begin getting sexual messages. And they start getting them as soon as they're born. Children learn how to think and feel about their bodies and their sexual behaviour from things we do and say - from the way we hold them, talk to them, dress them, teach them the words for their body parts, give them feedback on their behaviour, and behave in their presence.

But don't worry if you haven't started yet. It's never too late. Just don't try to “catch up” all at once. The most important thing is to be open and available whenever a child wants to talk.

3. How do I start a conversation about sex and sexuality?

Some parents look forward to talking with their children about the wonders of human reproduction and human sexuality. But many find it difficult to talk about important topics like relationships and sex and sexuality. The good news is that, if we pay attention, we can find many everyday moments in our lives that can prompt conversations about these topics:

- Our favourite TV show may feature a character going through puberty.
- Our neighbour or friend may be pregnant.
- Models in print ads or on billboards may make us think about and question our own bodies and body image.

Some parents call these “teachable moments”. Take time to recognise the teachable moments that give you opportunities to talk about sex and sexuality with your child. Spend a week or so noticing how topics you‘d like to discuss come up in your family’s everyday life. Think about what you might ask your child about them to get conversations going. And think about your own opinions and values about these topics, and how you can express them clearly to your child.

After you’ve thought about what you want to say on a subject, use the next teachable moment that comes up. The first few times you do this, children may be cautious and ask, “Why do you want to know?” Or they may search for an answer they think will please you. It may take several tries before you can speak comfortably together. The following tips may help you and your child learn to talk more easily with each other.

4. Some Conversation Starters

Sometimes asking your child a question is a great way to open up a conversation. Here are a few questions you might ask:

YOUNG CHILDREN

- Do you know the names of all your body parts?
- Do you know why girls look different than boys?
- Your aunt is pregnant. Do you know what that means?

PRE-TEENS

- People change a lot during puberty. What have you heard about the changes of puberty? How do you feel about going through puberty?
- At what age do you think a person should start dating? Have any of your friends started dating?
- Do you think girls and boys are treated differently? (If yes …) How?

TEENS

- How have you changed in the last two years? What do you like and what do you not like about the changes?
- At what age do you think a person is ready to have sex? How should a person decide?
- At what age do you think a person is ready to be a parent?

Talking to your kids about homosexuality

1. Ask your child if they understand what the word “gay” or “homosexual” means, if he or she has not asked by age 10 or so. If you hear your child using the word or your child hears it on TV, discuss it with him or her.

2. Explain to your child that there are different sexual orientations. Heterosexual is when a man or a woman is sexually attracted to the opposite sex. Homosexual is when a man or a woman is attracted to the same sex. Bisexual is when a man or a woman is attracted to both sexes. “Gay” is commonly used to refer to homosexual male and “lesbian” is commonly used to refer to homosexual female.

3. Explain that you can't tell for sure if someone is gay by how they act - some males are “effeminate” but are not gay and some females are “masculine” but are not lesbians. Explain the mechanics of what it means to be gay, but don't leave out the emotional aspects. Let your child know that homosexuals share the same emotions and usually want the same things in life as heterosexuals.

4. Explain how some people refer to the term. Your children need to understand other kids may tell them that certain things are signs of homosexuality but they are wrong. For example wearing speedos or brief underwear doesn't make you gay, males having a high voice, females having a low voice, hugging someone of the same gender, seeing someone of the same gender naked, taking a nude shower in a locker room, listening to show tunes, males wearing pink shirts, etc. This list could go on forever. Also warn them not to use derogatory terms such as “faggot” or “fag”.

5. They should know that it is normal for kids to be curious about the bodies of others of the same gender. This does not make anyone a homosexual.

6. Not showing interest in the opposite sex doesn't mean anyone's gay. Some people just don't have or show an interest.

7. You should never lose your virginity to prove to yourself or others that you are not gay. Some kids really have done this.

8. Be understanding if your child believes he or she might be gay. Help him or her talk about their feelings to you without fear of rejection, ridicule or being judged. Let him or her know that what he or she feels now won't necessarily be the way he or she will always feel, but that you are there for him or her regardless.

9. Be open to what your child is telling you. Being close-minded about what your child is going through or the lifestyle he or her is choosing can result in you being shut out from his or her life altogether.

* Adnan Omar is a suicidologist, clinical psychologist and manager of the Counselling & Psychological Services Centre (CPSC) and Health Services Centre of the Student Experience Department at Taylor's University College.