DURING last week’s parenting session, one father asked: “What do you say to your eight-year-old son when he says, ‘I hate you! I don’t want you as my father!’?”
As they grow and develop, children may hurl these three words – “I hate you!” – at their parents in the heat of the moment. They may be upset that you refused to get the toy they wanted, or changed your mind about an outing they had been looking forward to.
These hateful words strike directly at their parents’ hearts. Their intention is to defy us and arouse our anger.
Most parents, upon hearing these words from their children, tend to get very angry. The father of the eight-year-old responded with an ultimatum: “I will not speak to you for two days until you come to your senses.”
Parents have to realise that responding negatively to their children’s hurtful tactic in the fight can worsen the situation. First, the parent must take a step back and calm down.
There is very little room for reconciliation when both adult and child are mad at each other. You can suggest that both of you take a break from each other before you talk to him further.
When both of you have cooled off, you can approach your child to resolve the conflict. Children usually feel better after they have had some time to take control of their behaviour. They feel worse if their parents lash back at them with punishment or harsher words.
Help your child understand that his feelings are important. You may feel disappointed with the way your child reacted to you. If you only focus on those three words, you may overlook how much your child needs your help in working out his distress.
For a younger child, help him with more words that he needs to describe his feelings instead of “hate”. Tell your child: “When you are angry with me. You can say, ‘I don’t like it when you change your mind about the trip.’” He can use words such as disappointed, upset, frustrated and mad.
Initially, older children and teenagers may reject any form of help from you to resolve the conflict. This does not mean you shun them to give them “a taste of their own medicine”.
In cases where they are unable to calm down, ask them to write down their feelings and thoughts for you. You may even try doing the same yourself. Both parent and child need to understand each other’s point of view before they can resolve their conflict peacefully.
Instead of getting defensive or offended when your child directs his anger at you, you must prepare yourself to listen attentively to him when he is able to explain himself. Don’t let your pride rob you of the opportunity to show your child how much you love him.
Your child may have ideas to share with you. Letting him talk proves to him that you respect him as a person. You may find out a thing or two that you have missed in your busy schedule.
You will discover that your child has been blamed for something he did not do. Or, that you are changing your mind again without considering your child’s feelings.
Parents need to spend more time helping their child learn rather than taking disciplinary measures to rid him of his bad behaviour. When adults lead with example, children will have more positive options in their communication.
Be aware of your own words used when you are feeling frustrated or angry. Your children who often hear you remark how you hate this or that will use the same words whey they feel the same way. Choose your words wisely.
Label the behaviour and not the child. Help them to understand what they have done is not right. Children can accept that you are upset with what they have done but they must know that you love them unconditionally.
Children are more likely to find better words to use when they feel secure and loved. They will least likely lose control and use harsh words to attack their parents. When their deepest needs for love and affection are met, they feel happy with what they have. They know how to be grateful and generous to those around them.
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